Jameshow
Established Member
Straight out the box!!!
Joke thread
- Thread starter Noel
- Start date
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Sachakins
The most wasted of days is one without woodwork
Forking hell
Doug B
Shy Tot
stuart little
Established Member
stuart little
Established Member
Reminds me of when teaching my next-door neighbour's 10 yr. old to ride her bike, but she had trouble steering it. I ended up pushing the bike when she got fed up & I had trouble with steering it. We stopped at some swings & a fellow looked at the biike & said that the forks where 180* out! I hadn't really looked that hard at the bike until then - her dad had assembled it!!
stuart little
Established Member
My reaction too!
Cozzer
Established Member
flying haggis
Established Member
The first photos from the new space telescope have just beamed into NASA
Doug B
Shy Tot
Blackswanwood
Still Learning
Robbo3
Established Member
Signs
In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER....... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK).
In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER....... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK).
Mr Christopher
Established Member
'The Streak'
stuart little
Established Member
I've been watching 'Arctic Ice Railroad' (Ontario North) on D-Max ch., very weird when narrator says :- "it goes as far south as North Bay"!
Doug B
Shy Tot
Boringgeoff
Established Member
Todays news paper contains an item "Judges in the UK are being urged to drop the term 'postman' in favour of 'postal operative'...." This is going to play havoc with a poem I learnt about 50 years ago, which will now go like this:
Postal operative out on daily run,
thinks he'll stop and give maid one,
up comes postal operative master sudden like,
"stop pushing pud, push effing bike!"
Postal operative out on daily run,
thinks he'll stop and give maid one,
up comes postal operative master sudden like,
"stop pushing pud, push effing bike!"
Robbo3
Established Member
More signs
At a Santa Fe gas station:
We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.
In a New York restaurant:
Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.
On the wall of a Baltimore estate:
Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy
On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners:
38 years on the same spot.
In a Los Angeles dance hall:
Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.
In a Florida maternity ward:
No children allowed.
In a New York drugstore:
We dispense with accuracy.
In the offices of a loan company:
Ask about our plans for owning your home.
In a New York medical building:
Mental Health Prevention Center
On a New York convalescent home:
For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.
On a Maine shop:
Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards:
Now available in multi-packs.
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:
Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.
In a funeral parlor:
Ask about our layaway plan.
In a clothing store:
Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.
In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:
15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!
On a shopping mall marquee:
Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced.
Outside a country shop:
We buy junk and sell antiques.
In the window of an Oregon store:
Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?
In a Maine restaurant:
Open 7 days a week and weekends.
On a radiator repair garage:
Best place to take a leak.
In the vestry of a New England church:
Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.
In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.
On a roller coaster:
Watch your head.
On the grounds of a public school:
No trespassing without permission.
On a Tennessee highway:
When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash:
If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car.
And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says
"Do not throw stones at this sign."
At a Santa Fe gas station:
We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.
In a New York restaurant:
Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.
On the wall of a Baltimore estate:
Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy
On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners:
38 years on the same spot.
In a Los Angeles dance hall:
Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.
In a Florida maternity ward:
No children allowed.
In a New York drugstore:
We dispense with accuracy.
In the offices of a loan company:
Ask about our plans for owning your home.
In a New York medical building:
Mental Health Prevention Center
On a New York convalescent home:
For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.
On a Maine shop:
Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards:
Now available in multi-packs.
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:
Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.
In a funeral parlor:
Ask about our layaway plan.
In a clothing store:
Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.
In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:
15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!
On a shopping mall marquee:
Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced.
Outside a country shop:
We buy junk and sell antiques.
In the window of an Oregon store:
Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?
In a Maine restaurant:
Open 7 days a week and weekends.
On a radiator repair garage:
Best place to take a leak.
In the vestry of a New England church:
Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.
In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.
On a roller coaster:
Watch your head.
On the grounds of a public school:
No trespassing without permission.
On a Tennessee highway:
When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash:
If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car.
And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says
"Do not throw stones at this sign."
Blackswanwood
Still Learning
Doug B
Shy Tot
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