Joke thread

[Doug B]

Nothing is made in the Uk these days, I’ve just bought a radio & it says built in antenna. I don’t even know where that country is.

 

[Trainee neophyte]

Nothing is made in the Uk these days, I’ve just bought a radio & it says built in antenna. I don’t even know where that country is.

That's silly. Stop it.

 

[aramco]

talking of apprenticeships, where i served my time, the toilet system was stalls with a plank running through, and you sat over a trough with running water flowing down, us apprentices used to wait till all, the stalls where full, then set a light to a newspaper and let it float down the trough,

 

[Geoff_S]

talking of apprenticeships, where i served my time, the toilet system was stalls with a plank running through, and you sat over a trough with running water flowing down, us apprentices used to wait till all, the stalls where full, then set a light to a newspaper and let it float down the trough,

I don't think that's very funny
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Err, yes I do

 

[Cozzer]

I just overheard my wife giving advice to her newly married friend...

"On the first day make sure you take ages to peel the spuds, to the point that he is starving. He will come running in from the garage, and he'll show you how to peel them quickly. Do the same the second day and so on until he gets fed up of telling you. He's still peeling them after 37 years...."



Man, I'll tell you.... I am sick to death of spuds.

 

[Robbo3]

2 men go to London to donate sperm.
It was a disaster!
The first missed the tube and the second came on the bus!

 

[Doug B]

 

[Blackswanwood]

 

[Robbo3]

A painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.
Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Doolin in
County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.
One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude.
This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that
money was no object; in fact and she was willing to pay up to £10,000.
Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.
In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said. "The wife says it's okay.
"I'll paint ya in da nude all right, but I wil have to at least leave me socks on so I have somewhere to wipe me brushes."

 

[Trainee neophyte]

 

[Doug B]

 

[dzj]

 

[Doug B]

 

[Cozzer]

Too late, a bloke doesn't spot a very generous and fleshy dog "Richard" right in his path.
"I've just done that!" cries another bloke standing nearby...
So the first bloke smacks him.

 

[Cozzer]

A bloke walks into the timber yard.
He's short on time, and short on manners as well.
"Oi! You!" he yells at one of the yardsmen. "I want decking!"
So the yardsman gave him a good hiding.

 

[Ithica]

 

[dzj]

 

[Doug B]

 

[flying haggis]

 

[Doug B]