Joke Thread 5

[artie]

Is that your final answer?

yes.
1278 Guineas would be £1341 and 18s


Edit to add

£1278 an 18s would be 1218 guineas.

 

[John Brown]

yes.
1278 Guineas would be £1341 and 18s


Edit to add

£1278 an 18s would be 1218 guineas.

Yes. That's what I said.

 

[John Brown]

yes.
1278 Guineas would be £1341 and 18s


Edit to add

£1278 an 18s would be 1218 guineas.

I think I see the problem, I thought your arithmetic was faulty, but it's your reading.
To be fair, a 7 and a 1 could be confused on a small screen.

 

[artie]

I think I see the problem, I thought your arithmetic was faulty, but it's your reading.
To be fair, a 7 and a 1 could be confused on a small screen.

Just so long as I'm wrong eh.

 

[John Brown]

Just so long as I'm wrong eh.

?? You were wrong, I'm graciously accepting that it's easy to mistake a 1 for a 7. What's your beef?

 

[artie]

?? You were wrong, I'm graciously accepting that it's easy to mistake a 1 for a 7. What's your beef?

no beef

 

[johnb80]

HAVE YOU GOT SEX INSURANCE?​

You can now get sex insurance in the UK from many different company’s. To help you get the correct insurance for sex youre having please consult the list below.

Sex with your wife – Legal and General

Sex on the telephone – Direct Line

Sex with your partner – Standard Life

Sex with someone different – Go Compare

Sex with a lady of generous proportions – More Than

Sex on the back seat of a car – Sheila’s Wheels

Sex with a prostitute – Commercial Union

Sex with your maid – Employers Liability

Sex with an OAP – Saga

Sex resulting in pregnancy – General Accident

Sex with animals – National Farmers Union

Sex with a Monk – Abbey Life

Sex with Navy Officers – Admiral Group

Sex with a transvestite – Confused.com

 

[Doug B]

 

[Cozzer]

Purchase tax?

Talking of "the old days", does anyone remember the time when you had to stick a postage stamp on your cheque?
Come to think, when did you last write a cheque?!

 

[Mel769]

Talking of "the old days", does anyone remember the time when you had to stick a postage stamp on your cheque?

Er, no I cannot !

 

[Mel769]

Justin Trudeau walks into a Royal Bank to cash a cheque.​

As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ma'am, could you please cash this cheque for me?"
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
Trudeau: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Justin Trudeau, the leader of the Liberal Party of Canada!!!!"
Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the CIDC legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."
Trudeau: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr. Trudeau, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Trudeau:" Mon dieu. I am urging you, please, to cash this cheque."
Cashier: "Look Mr. Trudeau , here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque.
Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque.
So, Mr. Trudeau, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?"
Trudeau stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank, I have absolutely no idea what to do, I don't have a clue."
Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. Trudeau?"

 

[artie]

Justin Trudeau walks into a Royal Bank to cash a cheque.​

As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ma'am, could you please cash this cheque for me?"
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"

Only one form of id?

Must be a joke.

 

[Robbo3]

There was this Chinese girl at a travel agency when I was in Shanghai, I asked her if she could escort me for a city tour and asked for her mobile number, so I could call her to make arrangements.

She got excited and said: "sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonigh"

Wow, I'm guessing this is how Chinese women express their hospitality!

But then, my friend interpreted it for me and told me what she really said: 666136429

 

[Jaco]

Daughter to Father: "Dad there something my boyfriend said that I didn't understand.
He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."

Father's Response: "Tell your boyfriend that if he opens the bonnet and tries to check your oil with his dipstick,
I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking from his exhaust pipe."

 

[Jaco]

Fred, feeling terrible, goes to the doctor.
The doctor checks him over and says, “ Sorry Fred, I have some really bad news. You have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have about 24 hours to live. There's no known cure - so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth."


So Fred trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her on his last evening as he's never been there with her before.


They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35.
Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320
Then he gets the full house and wins $5000.
Then the National Game comes up - and he wins that too, getting $780,000.


The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, “ Fred, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card. You must be the luckiest ******* on Earth !”


“ Lucky ? " Fred screamed. “ Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24 !!! ".


“ Well bugger me," says the bingo caller. “You've won the meat raffle as well !!! "

 

[Jaco]

A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.


Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in
Uxbridge because the waitresses had big b*****s and wore mini-skirts.


Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.


Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they
should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they
could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good
value for money.


Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should
meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair
accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.


Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should
meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.

 

[Doug B]

 

[Yorkieguy]

18s
Why??

Pre Decimal currency. Pounds, Shillings and Pence. '18s' meant 18 shillings.

12 pence to a shilling, 20 shillings to a pound, hence, 240 pence to a pound.

'Decimal Day was 125 Feb 1971, so the advert predates that.

If we assume that the advert was around 1970, £1278.18.0 what adjusted for inflation equates to £27.500 today.

 

[Yorkieguy]

shillings

Pre-decimal currency - prior to Feb 1971, back in the days of 'tanners and bobs' (sixpences and shillings):

‘TANNERS AND BOBS’ . . . for those too young to have lived through it:

Back in the days of tanners and bobs,
When Mothers had patience and Fathers had jobs.
When football team families wore hand me down shoes,
And T.V gave only two channels to choose.

Back in the days of threepenny bits,
when schools employed nurses to search for your nits.
When snowballs were harmless; ice slides were permitted
and all of your jumpers were warm and hand knitted.

Back in the days of hot ginger beers,
when children remained so for more than six years.
When children respected what older folks said,
and pot was a thing you kept under your bed.

Back in the days of Listen with Mother,
when neighbours were friendly and talked to each other.

When cars were so rare you could play in the street.
When Doctors made house calls; Police walked the beat.

Back in the days of Milligan's Goons,
when butter was butter and songs all had tunes.

It was dumplings for dinner and trifle for tea,
and your annual break was a day by the sea.

Back in the days of Dixon's Dock Green,
Crackerjack pens and Lyon’s ice cream.
When children could freely wear National Health glasses,
and teachers all stood at the FRONT of their classes.

Back in the days of rocking and reeling,
when mobiles were things that you hung from the ceiling.
When woodwork and pottery got taught in schools,
and everyone dreamed of a win on the pools.

Back in the days when I was a lad,
I can't help but smile for the fun that I had.
Hopscotch and roller skates; snowballs to lob.
Back in the days of tanners and bobs.