Steady on there Gill, In Wales when we run out of fingers we count sheep so I don't think it would work here- not prepared to try it though.
Cracking joke, keep them coming
Cheers Alan
Help Support UKworkshop.co.uk:
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Steady on there Gill, In Wales when we run out of fingers we count sheep so I don't think it would work here- not prepared to try it though.
Cracking joke, keep them coming
Cheers Alan
Chris Knight
Established Member
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
blurk99
Established Member
Posh and Becks are sitting in front of the television watching the six o'clock news. The main story is a man threatening to jump off the Clifton
Suspension Bridge on to the busy road below. Posh turns to Becks and says: "David, I bet you £5,000 that he jumps!"
to which Beckham replies "£5,000? Done! I bet that he doesn't"
So they shake hands on the bet and continue watching.
Sure enough, the Man jumps and hits the road below with a loud thud. Beckham takes £5,000 out of his back pocket and hands it to Posh.
But she refuses."I can't take your money, David," she says.
"The truth is, I was cheating. I saw the five o'clock news, so I knew he was going to jump."
"No, babes, fair's fair" says David. "That money is yours fair and square I
was cheating just as you were. I saw the five o'clock news, too. I just didn't think he would do it again."
Suspension Bridge on to the busy road below. Posh turns to Becks and says: "David, I bet you £5,000 that he jumps!"
to which Beckham replies "£5,000? Done! I bet that he doesn't"
So they shake hands on the bet and continue watching.
Sure enough, the Man jumps and hits the road below with a loud thud. Beckham takes £5,000 out of his back pocket and hands it to Posh.
But she refuses."I can't take your money, David," she says.
"The truth is, I was cheating. I saw the five o'clock news, so I knew he was going to jump."
"No, babes, fair's fair" says David. "That money is yours fair and square I
was cheating just as you were. I saw the five o'clock news, too. I just didn't think he would do it again."
Jaco
Established Member
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis.
Jaco
Established Member
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"
Jaco
Established Member
>>Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive
>>double-pane energy efficient kind, but this week I got a call from the
>>contractor, complaining his work had been completed a year ago and I
>>had yet to pay for them.
>>
>>Boy oh boy, did we go around and around!
>>
>>Just because I'm a blonde does not mean I'm automatically stupid.
>>
>>So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had
>>told
>>me
>>last year - namely, that in one year, the windows would pay for
>>themselves.
>>
>>There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up.
>>
>>I have not heard anything back.
>>
>>Guess I won that stupid argument.
>>double-pane energy efficient kind, but this week I got a call from the
>>contractor, complaining his work had been completed a year ago and I
>>had yet to pay for them.
>>
>>Boy oh boy, did we go around and around!
>>
>>Just because I'm a blonde does not mean I'm automatically stupid.
>>
>>So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had
>>told
>>me
>>last year - namely, that in one year, the windows would pay for
>>themselves.
>>
>>There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up.
>>
>>I have not heard anything back.
>>
>>Guess I won that stupid argument.
A
Anonymous
Guest
You need a DSL connection for this one as it is quite a long video. And you can let the kids watch it too...(no dead cats)
http://www.storewars.org/flash/index.html
Make sure the sound is ON
http://www.storewars.org/flash/index.html
Make sure the sound is ON
DaveL
Established Member
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Dad".
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice, even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy.
Even though you won't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.
Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son, John
PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you!
Call when it is safe for me to come home.
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice, even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy.
Even though you won't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.
Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son, John
PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you!
Call when it is safe for me to come home.
DaveL
Established Member
Bean
Established Member
First i thought :-({|= poor Marvin, then I thought \
/ deserves the miserable old so and so right a touch of HHg there Dave.
Bean
/ deserves the miserable old so and so right a touch of HHg there Dave.Bean
Newbie_Neil
Established Member
Hi Dave
Thank you for the link. Brilliant.
Cheers
Neil
Thank you for the link. Brilliant.
Cheers
Neil
A
Anonymous
Guest
Northern Ireland
Police newsflash:
Catholic woman has been shot in the fanny in the Falls Road.
One hour later a Protestant women is shot in the breast in the Ardoyne.
Police say the second incident was a tit for **** shooting. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Andy
Police newsflash:
Catholic woman has been shot in the fanny in the Falls Road.
One hour later a Protestant women is shot in the breast in the Ardoyne.
Police say the second incident was a tit for **** shooting. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Andy
DaveL
Established Member
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realise that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
Dickymint
Established Member
Two cows in a field:
Cow # 1 say's;- Mooooooooooo
Cow # 2 say's you B*stard, I was going to say that.
Cow # 1 say's;- Mooooooooooo
Cow # 2 say's you B*stard, I was going to say that.
trevtheturner
Established Member
A man died and went to heaven.
As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Tony Blair's?" asked the man.
"Tony's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Tony Blair's?" asked the man.
"Tony's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and
spotted a woman below.
He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact
is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are
going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot
air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
spotted a woman below.
He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact
is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are
going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot
air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
Drew
Established Member
An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."
"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake.
"Oooooooh, Henry, you old devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's not any trouble." So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the Old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds.
This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable.
Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he's learned something about life that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, "that was truly amazing - that old man was going like a train- I've got to ask him what his secret is."
As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else. You had sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Drew
"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake.
"Oooooooh, Henry, you old devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's not any trouble." So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the Old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds.
This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable.
Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he's learned something about life that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, "that was truly amazing - that old man was going like a train- I've got to ask him what his secret is."
As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else. You had sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Drew
A young man called Peter invited his mother for dinner. During
the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome
Peter's flatmate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flatmate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Bill & I are just flatmates".
About a week later, Bill came to Peter saying, "ever since your
mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't
suppose she took it do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure," said Peter, so he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the frying pan from my house, I'm
not saying that you "did not" take the frying pan, but the fact remains
that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
love Peter
Several days later, Peter received an e-mail from his mother
which read:
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Bill, and I'm not saying
that you "do not" sleep with Bill, but the fact remains that if he was
sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the frying pan by now.
love Mum
the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome
Peter's flatmate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flatmate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Bill & I are just flatmates".
About a week later, Bill came to Peter saying, "ever since your
mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't
suppose she took it do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure," said Peter, so he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the frying pan from my house, I'm
not saying that you "did not" take the frying pan, but the fact remains
that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
love Peter
Several days later, Peter received an e-mail from his mother
which read:
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Bill, and I'm not saying
that you "do not" sleep with Bill, but the fact remains that if he was
sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the frying pan by now.
love Mum
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