Jokes

[Anonymous]

 

[jonny boy]

EXELLENT!!!!!!!

That has to be the finest rear I have ever seen! (the one on the right of course)

cheers,
jonny.

 

[Gill]

There was this man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do a lot of things that took two arms.

One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life."

He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms. The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again.

He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?

He said, "I'm NOT happy; my bum's itching."

 

[Chris Knight]

Gill,
Thanks! you always make me laugh. :lol:

 

[Jaco]

Truly Scottish

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding
hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently,
then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your
thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." The
girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then
he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. Minutes
passed, then the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the
loch. After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts,
Angus."
"Well, uh I was thinkin'... perhaps its aboot time you let me pewt ma
hand on yer leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her
knee. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over
the loch before the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." The young man glanced down
with a furled brow.
"Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this
time."
"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding. The girl looked away in shyness, began to
blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request. And he
said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three
pennies?"

 

[RogerS]

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his shiny limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate the situation.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We HAVE TO eat grass." Shocked, the lawyer said, "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you!"

"But sir. I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he said, "You come with us, too."

The second man said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all!" the lawyer answered. They all jammed into the huge limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

Genuinely touched, the lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"

 

[Jaco]

SMART ANSWERS for 2004

#5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, instead he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat … she said, “Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.”

#4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she could not find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”
The stock boy replied “No maam, the are dead”

#3
The cop got of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
“I’ve been waiting for you all day”, the cop said.
The kid replied “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

#2
A truck driver was driving along on a freeway. A sign comes up that reads “Low Bridge Ahead.” Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed for miles.

Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out and walks up to the truck driver, puts his hand on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?”
The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of fuel!”

First prize goes to ……
#1
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrows final exam.
“Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!”
A smart ass in the back of the room raises his hand and asked “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is finally restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says –
“Well. I guess you would just have to write the exam with your other hand!”

 

[Jaco]

BLESSING
May the fleas of a thousand Afghan camels infest the butt of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch.
Have a great day.
Your friend.

 

[Jaco]

BOASTING

Three wild and reckless hang-glider pilots, an Australian a Kiwi and a South African, are sitting around a camp fire near Ayers Rock one chilly winter night, discussing the bravado for which they are famous.
After hours of increasingly tall tales and lots of beer, Kevin the Kiwi says, “Surely, I must be the meanest, toughest hang-gliding dude there is? Why, just the other day, I landed in a field right next to a croc that had escaped the swamps and eaten six men. I wrestled that bugger to the ground, with my bare hands!”
Determined not to be outdone, Shane from Australia says, “Well, actually at the end of a 400km flight, I landed on a narrow trail and a three-metre desert snake slid out from under a rock and went for me. I grabbed that ******* with my bare hands and bit its head off, sucking the poison down in one gulp – I’m still here today.”
And through all of this the South African, Van, remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his member.

 

[Jaco]

FARMER

A farmer was standing in the middle of his fields when a passerby stops to ask him what he is doing.
“Trying to earn a Nobel Prize.” Replies the farmer.
“A Nobel Prize?” says the passerby. “How do you intend to win a prize standing out there?”
“Don’t you know?” replies the farmer, “They give prizes to individuals who are outstanding in their fields!”

 

[Jaco]

SOB

Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail) “Can I address the Court?”
Judge “Of course.”
Defendant “If I called you a SOB, what would you do?”
Judge “I would hold you in contempt of court and assess an additional 5 days in jails.”
Defendant “What if I thought you were a SOB?”
Judge “I can’t do anything about that. There’s no law against thinking.”
Defendant “In that case your Honour, I think you are a SOB.”

 

[Jaco]

GUN

When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again.

This time it worked!

 

[Jaco]

THE MAID

The maid in a Sandton home resigns the one day.
The madam was very upset and asked “Now Princess, why do you want to resign?”
“Well madam, there are 3 reasons why I resign. The first is that I iron better than you”
“Who said you iron better than me?” enquired the madam.
“The master said so!”
“O, I see.”
“The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”
“Nonsense!, who said you were a better cook than me?”
“The master said so.”
“O, I see.”
“My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.”
Madam, very upset now. “Did the master say that as well!!!!!!??”
“No madam, the gardener did.”

 

[Jaco]

SALESMAN

A salesman is traveling around the country-side, selling insect repellent. He comes to a farmhouse and tries his pitch on the farmer. “Sir, my bug spay is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it.”
Dubious, the farmer says “Young man, I’ll make you a proposition. I’ll tie you up out in my cattle pen, buck naked, and covered in that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I’ll buy a whole case.”
Delighted, the salesman agrees and they go to field where he strips.
After spraying him thoroughly with the bug spray, the farmer ties him to a large tree standing in the middle of the field.
The next morning, the farmer and his family walk out to the field. Sure enough, the salesman is there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him.
But, he’s a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard and drawn, but not one bite on him.
Perplexed, the farmer asks, “Son, I’ll have to admit you don’t have a bite on you, but you look like hell! What the devil happened?”
The exhausted salesman looks up through bloodshot eyes and croaks, “For crying out loud, Mister, doesn’t that calf have a mother?!”

 

[Gill]

Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder.

There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer says as he looks at his watch.

"Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room," he says and he looks toward the courtroom door. The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens. Finally the lawyer says, 'Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. Later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door." Answers the representative, "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't."

 

[Jaco]

REASONS TO CRAWL UNDER A ROCK

1. CURL UP AND DIE........I walked into a hair salon with my husband and
three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo
and a ********?"

Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin TX


2. HO, HO, HO............. I was taking a shower when my 2 year old son
came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although
he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a
few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one
with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the
picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look.
Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition
to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a
camera! Name Withheld

3. LADY GOLFER................ I was at the golf store comparing different
kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good
looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with
men's balls."-

Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI

4. NUTS ABOUT YOU............My sister and I were at the mall and passed by
a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display
case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed! any help. I replied,
"No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to
laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

Faye Emerick, 34,
Ellerslie, MD

5. PRICELESS.............A lady picked up several items at discount store.
When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items
had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the
intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE
THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the
rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for
"THUMBTACKS." In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the
intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU
POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

6. MOM'S ADVICE......... A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of
the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying
attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite
embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he
was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.
He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did
it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back
of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his
desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your Mom,"
she screamed. "I did," he said, "and she told me that if I could stick it
out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.

 

[Jaco]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his wife. She was a
> very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew
> very little about ranching. So, she decided to place an ad in the
> newspaper for a ranch hand.
>
> Two men applied for the job. One was very effeminate and obviously
> gay. The other was a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and
> when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it
> would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
>
> He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew
> a lot about ranching. The two of them worked well together and the
> ranch was doing very well, so one day the rancher's widow said to the
> hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks
> great. You should go into town and enjoy yourself"
>
> The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.
> However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no
> hired hand. He eventually returned around two-thirty and found the
> rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace. She quietly called him over
> to her.
>
> "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as
> she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did so, slowly. "Now, take
> off my stockings" He did. "Now take off my skirt" He did too. "Now
> take off my bra" Again, with trembling hands he did as he was told.
> "Now" she said, "take off my panties". He slowly pulled them down and
> off.
>
> Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes to town
> again, you're fired!"
>

 

[Jaco]

"If I discover within myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."

 

[Jaco]

1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
>
> 2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to
> the core of the earth?
>
> 3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
>
> 4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bum?
>
> 5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
> stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
>
> 6. If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullsh*t?
>
> 7. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
>
> 8. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
>
> 9. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
> centuries' have a 'use by' date?
>
> 10. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
> horrible crisp no one would eat?
>
> 11. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
>
> 12. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
> squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
>
> 13. What do people in China call their good plates?
>
> 14. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a
> coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
>
> 15. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
> don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
>
> 16. Why does goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're
> both dogs!
>
> 17. What do you call male ballerinas?
>
> 18. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
>
> 19. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why
> didn't he just buy dinner?
>
> 20. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
>
> 21. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
>
> 22. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
> vegetables,then what is baby oil made from?
>
> 23. If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear
> him, is he still wrong?
>
> 24. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion
> stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there
> is
> wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
>
> 25. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabetti Spaghetti?
>
> 26. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere,
> but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your bum?
>
> 27. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets
> mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head
> out the
> window?
> __

 

[Jaco]

Kids answers to teachers questions


> > TEACHER: Why are you late?
> > WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
> > TEACHER: What sign?
> > WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
> >
> > TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile"?
> > JOHN: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
> > TEACHER: No, that's wrong
> > JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!
> >
> > TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
> > SARAH: "HIJKLMNO"!!
> > TEACHER: What are you talking about?
> > SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
> >
> > TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
> > GEORGE: Here it is!
> > TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
> > CLASS: George!
> >
> > TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't
> > haveten years ago.
> > WILLY: Me!
> >
> > TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
> > TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
> >
> > SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
> > FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
> > SILVIA: Your name on this report card.
> >
> > TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
> > ELLEN: I is...
> > TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
> > ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
> >
> > TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
> > JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the sameday sametime."
> >
> > TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry
> > tree,but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't
> > punish him?"
> > JOHNNY: "Because George still had the axe in his hand."
> >
> > TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
> > SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
> >
> > TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
> > yourbrother's. Did u copy his?
> > DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
> >
> > TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are
> > nolonger interested?
> > PUPIL: A teacher.