Jokes

[Jaco]

1) Project Manager is a Person who thinks Nine women can deliver a baby in one month.

2) Construction manager is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.

2) Controls manager is one who asks if the baby is in the budget (and if it saves money to adopt).

3) Project Engineer is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.

4) Section engineer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a baby.

5) Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.

6) Engineering are still figuring out how to produce a baby.

7) Procurement Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.

8) DCG Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.

9) Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby.

10) Site Engineers don’t care...they just want the woman!!!.

 

[Jaco]

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students
>> >"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young
>> >lady,
>>how
>> >would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
>> "Just a minute, I have to go piss.
>> >"That would be rude and impolite!!! What about you John, how would
>> >you
>>say
>> >it?""I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be
>> >right back.
>> >
>> >"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom
>> >at the table.
>> >
>> >And you Little Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once
>> >and show us your good manners?"
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have
>> >to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll
>> >get to meet
>>after
>> >supper."

 

[Jaco]

A Jo'burg taxi driver runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a cop.

He thinks he's smarter than the cop, and knowing there's a non-existent conviction rate for taxi drivers, decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the same time.

Cop says: "License please."

Taxi driver says: "What for?"

Cop: "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign "

Taxi driver: "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Cop: "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License please."

Taxi driver: "What's the difference?"

Cop: "The difference is you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License please!"



Taxi driver says: "Heish ... if you can show me the difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."



Cop says: "Exit your vehicle, sir."



The taxi driver gets out of his taxi and at this point, the cop takes out his truncheon and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the taxi driver and says: "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

 

[Jaco]

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.

To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's
and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the
reception room and generally kicking the sh!t out of each other. The
police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The
fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm
with the use of his gavel, shouting, 'Silence in court!'

The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says,
'Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain
what happened.'

The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his
explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan
wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.

The judge says, 'OK.'

'Well,' said Paddy, 'after I had finished the first dance, the music
kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that
the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a
sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride
an unmerciful kick right between her legs.'

Shocked, the judge instantly responded, 'G0d, that must have hurt!'

'Hurt?' Paddy replies. 'He broke three of my fingers!'

 

[Drew]

Donald Rumsfeld gives the President his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident'

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks..........

'How many is a Brazillian ??!'

 

[Gill]

This one was sent to me by a friend.

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"

I then said "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having *** tonight either.

 

[WoodPecker]

Very good (Last post I mean)



> The Gerry Ryan radio show (Irish Radio Talk Show, Gerry Ryan thinks he's a budding Howard Stern but fails miserably and he can be quite irritating) were holding
> competition (for one hour only) for the listeners best jokes. The
> prize
> was a sun holiday for two, for one week.
> Because of the time restraint Gerry was rushing the entrants to try
> and
> get as many callers as possible to air their jokes.
> One Dublin bloke rang in with only 5 mins to the end of the show...
>
> Caller: "An amazing thing happened to me recently. I had just bought a
> top of the range 67,000 pounds worth of Mercedes Benz.
> I was thrilled with the car. It had every extra. Revolving wheels,
> see-through windscreen, power assisted ash-tray, It was fully loaded."
>
> Gerry: "That's very nice but, have you got a joke to tell or what?
>
> Caller: "Hang on will you. You'll really love this; I drove out from
> the
> dealer and was driving down the road, when I noticed that there was no
> radio in the car. Can you imagine that?
> No feckin' radio in a car that cost me nearly seventy grand! So I
> turned
> right around and headed back."
>
> Gerry: "Get on with it will you, I've only a couple of minutes left
> and
> we've to squeeze in an ad break too."
>
> Caller: "Relax. I guarantee you this is brilliant. So anyway, I go
> back
> to the salesman and ask him where's the bleedin' radio and that it
> better not be extra.
> He started laughing and told me that there was, in fact, state of the
> art voice activated radio fitted in the car. He showed me how it
> worked.
> It was UNBELIEVABLE!
> All you have to do is say 'radio on' and it turns on, radio off' and
> it
> turns off. It's bleedin' magic. You say 'Ballads' and it plays
> Ballads,.
> 'Rock 'n' Roll' and a rock & roll station comes on. I've never seen
> anything like it."
>
> Gerry: "You're wasting our feckin' time here, I'll have to move on and
> try to fit in a quickie before the end of the show."
>
> Caller: "Hang on Gerry I'm nearly finished."
>
> Ger ry: "Just finish it will you."
>
> Caller: "So I drove off again even happier than earlier on. Then you
> won't believe what happened. This ***** passed me on the outside and
> clipped my bumper on his way back in.
> 'Stupid B0ll*x!' I shouted and you'll never guess what happened."
>
> Gerry: "What happened?"
>
> Caller: "The Gerry Ryan Show came on the feckin' radio."
>
> The caller was cut-off....

 

[Gill]

THE SENILITY PRAYER

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

 

[martyn2]

A Polish man married an American girl after he had been in the United States a year or so; &, although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. Until 1day he rushed into a lawyer's office & asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him -- "very quick."

The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, & asked him the following questions:

LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"

POLE: "Yah, Yah, an acre & half & a nice little home w/3 bedrooms."

LAWYER: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

POLE: "It is made of concrete, brick, & mortar," he responded.

LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"

POLE: "No," he replied, "we have a 2-car carport, & have never really needed one."

LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"

POLE: "All my relations are in Poland."

LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

POLE: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set & DVD player w/5.1 sound. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

LAWYER: "No, I mean does your wife beat you up?"

POLE: "NO, I'm always up before her."

LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"

POLE: "NO, she white."

LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"

POLE: "She going to kill me." !

LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"

POLE: "I got proof.

LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"

POLE: "She going to poison me.. She buy a bottle @the drug store & put on shelf in bathroom. I can read -- it says, 'Polish Remover'


martyn

 

[chiba]

While suffering the agonies of impending death, a man suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were dozens of his favourite cheese scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, he could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife . . . . . . .

"B-gger Off!!" she said, "They're for the funeral."

 

[Adam]

> It's a few minutes before Sunday service.

> Without warning, Satan appears at the front of the church. Everyone

starts

> screaming and running for an exit, trampling on each other in a bid to

> escape evil incarnate. Everyone except for one elderly gentleman, that

> is. He sits calmly, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's

> ultimate enemy was in front of him.

> Satan walks right up to the old man and says: "Don't you know who I am?"

> The man replies: "Yep, sure do."

> "Aren't you afraid?" Satan asks.

> "Nope, sure ain't," says the old man.

> "Do you know I can kill you with a single word?" asks Satan.

> "Don't doubt it for a minute," retorts the old man, in an even tone.

> "Don't you realise that I could cause you profound, horrifying agony for

> all eternity?" persists Satan.

> "Yep," is the calm reply. "And yet you're still not afraid?"

> "No."

> Pertubed, Satan asks: "Well why aren't you afraid of me?" The old man

looks

> Satan right in the eye and calmly replies: "Been married to your

> sister for 52 years."

 

[frank]

adam it a cracker :lol: :lol: :lol: :wink:

frank

 

[Knot Competent]

Did you see that Elton John has written a tribute song to dear old Ronnie Barker -

"Four Candles in the Wind"

 

[DaveL]

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS"

 

[Adam]

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls."

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9

times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos=MIDNITE! RIGHT! HaHaHa)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight".

He didn't seem pissed off at all.

Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. FU**.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

 

[Jaco]

Question: What is really the oldest profession in the world? Answer: Traffic cop. Why? It says in Genesis 3:4 " ... and I saw the evil spirit standing behind a bush"

 

[Jaco]

Three men are sitting in the maternity ward of a hospital
waiting for the imminent birth of their respective children.
One is an Australian, one a South African and the other a
West Indian. They are all very nervous and pacing the floor
- as you do in these situations. All of a sudden the doctor
bursts through the double doors saying "Gentlemen you won't
believe this but your wives have all had their babies within
5 minutes of each other."
The men are beside themselves with happiness and joy.
"And", said the doctor, "They have all had little boys."
The fathers are ecstatic and congratulate each other over and over.
"However we do have one slight problem," the doctor said.
"In all the confusion we may have mixed the babies up
getting them to the nursery and would be grateful if you
could join us there to try and help identify them."
With that the South African raced passed the doctor and bolted to
the nursery. Once inside he picked up a dark skinned
infant with dreadlocks saying, "there's no doubt about it,
this boy is mine!" The doctor looked bewildered and said,
"Well sir of all the babies I would have thought that
maybe this child could be of West Indian descent."
"That's a maybe", said the South African, "but one of the other two is
an Aussie and I'm not taking the risk."

 

[Jaco]

A college student at a football game challenged a senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his. "You grew up in a different world," the student said... loud enough for the whole crowd to hear. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, man has walked on the Moon, our spaceships have visited Mars, we even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing ... and uh.."
Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them, you little twit! What the hell are you doing for the next generation??"

Ya Gotta Love Senior Citizen

 

[Jaco]

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation,
died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur,
"Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have
changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone
you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said "I want to hang
out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and
introduced him to God.

Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman"
God said, "Ah, yes."
Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some
major design flaws in your invention.

1. There! 's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust. And finally,
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold
on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words
and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper
and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,"
God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are
riding my invention than yours."

 

[CHJ]

LENA starts work at a NORTHERN MINNESOTA FACTORY!


There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me
Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. Well, Lena
is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first
day promptly at 0800. The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the
personnel manager's door. The foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so the
two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line
is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmos all over the factory
floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line
stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmos.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric,
wraps it around two marbles, and begins to carefully sew the little
package between Elmo's legs. The personnel manager bursts into
laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,
"but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday.
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles