Jokes

[DaveL]

Man: God?

God: Yes!?

Man: Can I ask you something?

God: Yes.

Man: What, for you, is a million years?

God: One second.

Man: And a million dollars?

God: A euro.

Man: God, Can you give me a euro?

God: Wait a second!

 

[Jaco]

Eternal Truths

- Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
- Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
- If the shoe fits …. Buy it in every colour.
- If you’re too open minded, your brains will fall out.
- If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
- Some days are a total waste of makeup.
- Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
- A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
- Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
- Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

 

[Jaco]

Bird Flu Symptoms
The Centre for Disease Control has released a list of
symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the
following, please seek medical treatment immediately:

1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone's windscreen

 

[CHJ]

Why, Why, Why ?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are
Always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their
Vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't! we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every
Four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

 

[Gill]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2005, WHEN...


1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of four.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that
they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You go home after a long day at work and still answer the phone in a
business manner.

7. You make phone calls from home and accidentally dial "9" to get an
outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12 You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if
anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

13. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the
screen.

14. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't have
for the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic
and you turn around to go and get it.

15. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
message.

19. You are too busy to notice there was no number 9 on this list.

20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a number 9
on this list.

AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING AT YOURSELF.

 

[Jaco]

ASTROSIGNS

What’s your sign? Not astrological, but business. A new sign chart doing the rounds offer fresh insight into the character of your colleagues.

MARKETING

You are ambitious but stupid. You choose a marketing degree to avoid studying in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socialising, which is pretty much what you do know.

SALES

Laziest of all signs. Unless someone calls and begs you to take their money, you avoid contact with customers to “concentrate on the big picture”. You seek admiration for your golf game.

TECHNOLOGY

Unable to control your personal life, you like to control everything at your workplace. Even you sometimes don’t understand what you are saying.

ENGINEERING

One of only two signs that studied in school. You’re happy by yourself; your office is full of the latest ergodynamic gadgets.

ACCOUNTING

The other sign that studied. You are immune to office politics and are the most feared person in the company.

HUMAN RESOURCES

Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you are the biggest gossip in the company. Possibly the only person who does less work than sales, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch and mail a letter.

MIDDLE MANAGEMENT

Catty, cutthroat yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain in your current job forever. Unable to make decisions, you measure your worth by the number of meetings you schedule for yourself. You’re likely to marry another middle manager because everyone in your social circle is one.

SENIOR MANAGEMENT

See above.



CONSULTANT

You use acronyms to avoid revealing your lack of experience. You have convinced yourself your “skills” are in demand and you could get a higher paying job with any company in a heartbeat. You’ll never do it.

CEO

You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems like the fax machine suggests the latter.

PUBLIC SERVANT

You are highly inventive, mainly in finding ways to take time off. You suffer from deep depression and often commit crimes while on the job.

 

[Jaco]

A BLONDE DAY

Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see
where the sun went ? It finally dawned on here.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The
brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie". The
blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the
wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going?
Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the
people were leaving.


There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a
redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the
mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced,
"I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles,
and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and
she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if
she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland
than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The
redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam
out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was
too tired to go on, so she drowned.

So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it!
I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles,
ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore
was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So
she swam back.

……………………………………………………………………………….
Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down
and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks
and says "Those arn't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No.
Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguing, and one
half hour later they were both killed by a train.

There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio.
The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde
was mad enough she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw
another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped
her car jumped out and yelled, "You bimbo, it's blondes like you that
give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you
what's coming to you!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the State
Capitals. She proudly said," go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------


A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying
overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over
her. The blonde says, "Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've
hit me right in the face!!!"

Or: "Good thing that cows don't fly.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

[Jaco]

Accountants

Take One
What is the difference between an accountant and a computer?
The computer has a personality.

Take Two
What is the difference between one sperm cell and an accountant?
The sperm cell has a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

Take Three
Husband and wife accountants having a tiff.
She moans “You don’t depreciate me any more!”

Take Four
A lawyer and an accountant were involved in a minor fender bender. Neither was hurt, but both were pretty badly shaken up. As they wait for the police to arrive the lawyer pulls out a hip flask and passes it to the accountant who takes a big gulp to "steady his nerves". The accountant hands it back to the lawyer who caps it and puts it back in his pocket.
The accountant says "Hey, aren't YOU going to have one too?"
The lawyer replies ...
"Sure, right after the cops leave."

Take Five
What's the difference between a porcupine and an accountant in a BMW?
The porcupine has the prick on the outside!

Take Six
Two Auditors were walking across Hyde Park when one said, "Where did you get such a great racing bike?"
The second Auditor replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second Auditor nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."

 

[Travis Byrne]

I heard this story yesterday.
Two men were talking about how poor they and their family were when they were growing up.
The first man said that his family was the poorest in the town.
The second man said no, this his family was the poorest.
The first man said that his family was so poor that for his Christmas present, he got 2 batteries and a note that said ====Toys not included.
The second man shook his head and walked away.

Travis

 

[Travis Byrne]

 

[tim]

Alaskan Christmas Party


Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years.
Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.


After six months or so, of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, to a huge, bearded man standing there. "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road.
Having a Christmas party Friday night.... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
"More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there . Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"

>> > "Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea . "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter ..... Just gonna be the two of us."

 

[Gill]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Hunting flies" he responded. "Oh...killing any?" she asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked "How can you tell them apart?" He responded....









































3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

 

[Steve Maskery]

An English ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small village and
sees a local man sitting on his porch patting his dog.

He figures he'll have some fun, so he says to the Welshman

"Can I talk to your dog?"

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git"

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?

Dog: "Doin' alright"

Villager: (Look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (Pointing at the villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me

to the lake once a week to play"

Villager: (Look of disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either. I think"

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Villager: (Absolutely dumfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me

down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements"

Villager: (Total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Villager: (In a panic) "The sheep's a bloody liar"

 

[Taffy Turner]

Careful Steve - the Taffia are watching you!!!!

 

[Steve Maskery]

Taffy,
I have special dispensation - wifey is from Cardiff and my bro (who told me the joke) lives in Caldicot.

 

[RogerS]

I have special dispensation

What? Like the signwriter in Cardiff who put up bilingual signs that said 'Pedestrians Look Right' in English but 'Pedestrians Look Left' in Welsh? :lol:

 

[Taffy Turner]

There was this English bloke driving through Mid Wales when he broke down.

"Oh no" he thought to himself. "Here I am, miles from anywhere - I'll have to call the AA. Only trouble is round here, if they hear my English accent, they will keep me waiting for hours." He has a little think, and then decides to call the AA, but that he will speak with a false Welsh accent. That way, they will assume that he is local, and respond more promptly.

He calls the AA, and a Welsh girl with a lovely, lilting accent answers.

"Hello AA - we're the 4th emergency service - how can I help you?"

"Hello bach, I don't know if you can help me but my car has broken down now just, look you!" he says in the best Welsh accent he can muster.

"No problem" replies the young lady. "Where exactly are you located?"

"Well, now see, I don't really know bach" replies the Englishman, still putting on the accent.

"Well, can you see any road signs?" says the young lady.

"Yes now bach", he replies, "There is a sign by here for some place called Dan Gergoslow"

She replied "That says Danger Go Slow you stupid English pillock" and put the phone down on him.

 

[gwaithcoed]

Martin wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits up and notices his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Martin looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless and clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!"



So he goes to the kitchen and, sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Martin asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 a.m., drunk and delirious. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Martin asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, 'Get your hands off me, b*tch! I'm married!'"





Moral of the Story:

Self-induced hangover... £100

Broken furniture... £2,000

Breakfast... £5

Saying the right thing to your wife when you're drunk... PRICELESS


Alan

 

[Freetochat]

Being British


One of the British daily newspapers is asking readers "What does it
mean to be British?". This suggestion came from an ex pat living in Switzerland ...

"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a
Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American
shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all?

Suspicion of anything foreign!!

 

[Freetochat]

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton. One smart-ass student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:

Titanic:..... $29.99
Clinton:..... $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:..... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden
love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton:..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden
! love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton:..... Bill is a ******** artist.

Titanic:..... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During ordeal, Rose’s dress gets ruined.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:..... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton:..... Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
! Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hillary...basically the
same thing.