Jokes

[Gill]

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English major. Taking the major to their headquarters, the French general began to question him. The French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic.



And that is why from that day till now, all French Army officers wear brown pants.

 

[Dickymint]

Baron Von Flick, the famous World War One fighter pilot was "entertaining" a beautiful young woman. Whilst the romantic evening developed at his chateau, they found themselves approaching the moment of the first kiss. Suddenly, the Baron pours red wine over the girls beautiful red lips, shocked she asks:
Baron, why you do this?
He responds:
"My dear, I am Baron Von Flick the famous World War One fighter pilot and when I have red meat I enjoy red wine!"
"Oh Baron" she replies, "that's so romantic..."
The amorous attention advances and soon the Baron has the young girls breasts bared for his pleasure, when he suddenly pours white wine across her chest.
"Baron, what you do this for?" she asks.
He responds:
"My dear, I am Baron Von Flick the famous World War One fighter pilot and when I have white meat I enjoy white wine!"
"Oh Baron" she replies, "that too is so romantic..."
The evening advances, and so to does the Baron.
Faced with her beautiful womanhood the Baron Pulls out the bandy pours it between her legs, she coo's, then as the Baron strikes a match she shouts with alarm:
"Baron, Baron what you do, what you do?"
"My dear, I am Baron Von Flick the famous World War One fighter pilot and when I go down I go down in flames!"
:twisted: :twisted:

 

[Jaco]

Sales Staff and Accountants
3 Real Life Stories


Number 1
Eleven people were dangling below a helicopter on a rope. There were ten sales people and one accountant.
Since the rope was not strong enough to hold them all, they decided that one of them had to let go to save all the others.
They could not decide who should be the volunteer. Finally the accountant said he would let go of the rope since accountants are used to do everything for the company. They forsake their family, don’t claim all of their expenses and do a lot of overtime without getting anything in return.
When he finished his moving speech all the sales people began to clap…
Moral:
Never underestimate the powers of an accountant.

Number 2
A group of accountants and a group of sales people take a train to a conference. Each sales person holds a ticket. But the entire group of accountants has bought only a single ticket. The sales people are just shaking their heads and are secretly pleased that the arrogant and mean accountants will finally get what they deserve.
Suddenly one of the accountants calls out: “The conductor is coming!”. At once, all the accountants jump up and squeeze into one of the toilets. The conductor checks the tickets of the sales people. When he notices that the toilet is occupied he knocks on the door and says: “Ticket, please!” One of the accountants slides the ticket under the door and the conductor continues merrily on his round.
For the return trip the sales people decide to use the same trick. The buy only one ticket for the entire group but they are baffled as they realize that the accountants didn’t buy any tickets at all. After a while one of the accountants announces again: “The conductor is coming!” Immediately all the sales people race to a toilet and lock themselves in.
All the accountants leisurely walk to the other toilet. Before the last accountant enters the toilet he knocks on the toilet occupied by the sales people and says: “Ticket, please!”
And the moral of the story?
Sales people like to use the methods of the accountants, but they don’t really understand them.

Number 3
Once upon a time three sales people were walking through the woods and suddenly they were standing in front of a huge, wild river. But they desperately had to get to the other side. But how, with such a raging torrent? The first sales guy knelt down and prayed to the Lord: “Lord, please give me the strength to cross this river! "
*pppppfffffffuuuuffffffff*
The Lord gave him long arms and strong legs. Now he could swim across the river. It took him about two hours and he almost drowned several times.
BUT: he was successful!
The second sales guy, who observed this, prayed to the Lord and said: “Lord, please give me the strength AND the necessary tools to cross this river!”
*pppppfffffffuuuuffffffff*
The Lord gave him a tub and he managed to cross the river despite the fact that the tub almost capsized a couple of times.
The third sales man who observed all this kneeled down and prayed: “Lord, please give me the strength, the means and the intelligence to cross this river!”
*pppppfffffffuuuuffffffff*
The Lord converted the sales man into an accountant. He took a quick glance on the map, walked a few meters upstream and crossed the bridge.


Tell this to an intelligent accountant so that they have something to smile about;
and to the sales people if you think they can stomach the truth!

 

[Jaco]

“WHAT WE CAN LEARN FROM GEESE”


Fact No. 1 As each bird flaps its wings, it creates an uplift draft for the bird following. By flying in a “V” formation, the whole flock adds a greater flying range than if individual birds flew alone.

Lesson No. 1
People who share a common direction and sense of community can get where they’re going quicker and more easily because they are travelling on the strength of one another.

Fact No. 2 Whenever a goose falls out of information, it suddenly feels the drag and resistance of trying to fly alone and quickly gets back into formation to take advantage of the lifting power of the bird immediately in front.

Lesson No. 2
If we have as much sense as geese, we will stay in formation and be willing to accept help when we need it and give help when it is needed.

Fact No. 3 When the lead goose gets tired, it rotates back into the formation, and another goose gets in the point position.

Lesson No. 3
Geese instinctively share the task of leadership and do not resent the leader.

Fact No. 4 The geese in formation honk from behind to encourage those up front to keep up their speed.

Lesson No. 4
We need to make sure our honking from behind is encouraging and not something else.

Fact No. 5 When a goose gets sick, is wounded or is shot down, two geese drop out of formation and follow it down to earth to help and protect it. They stay with their disabled companion until is able to fly again or dies. They then launch out on their own or with another formation or catch up with the flock.

Lesson No. 5
If we have as much sense as geese, we too will stand by one another in difficult times and help the one who has dropped out regain his place in the formation.

 

[Jaco]

The paradox of our age

We have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower Viewpoints. We spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy it less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences but less time.

We have more degrees, but less common sense; more knowledge, but less judgement. We have more experts and more problems, more medicine, but less wellness. We build more computers to hold more information to produce more copies, but we have less communication. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.

We talk too much, love too seldom and lie too often.

We have learned how to make a living, but not a life. We have added years to life; not life to years. We have been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbour.

We have conquered outer space, but not inner space. We have done larger things but not better things. We have cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We have split the atom, but not our prejudice. We have learned to rush, but not to wait. We have more acquaintances but fewer friends.

We spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get angry too quickly, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too seldom, watch television too often and pray too seldom.

 

[Jaco]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)



(its a real treat)



(a masterpiece)


(wait for it)







The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."



(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

 

[Chris Knight]

Jaco,

 

[Waka]

The Lions rugby practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.
The coach immediately suspended practice while police and forensic investigators were called to investigate.
After a complete analysis, investigating forensic experts determined that the white substance unknown to players was the try line.
Practice was resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again...
************************************************************
The Lions coach takes the Team out for a training run and first up he tells everyone to assume their normal position.
So they all go and stand behind the goalposts and wait for the conversion.
************************************************************
What is your wife trying to tell you if she's wearing a Lions shirt in bed?
You ain't gonna score - ever.
************************************************************
There are only 2 man-made things that can be seen with the naked eye from space...
The first one is the Great Wall of China, and right on its heels is the...
GAP IN THE LIONS DEFENCE.
************************************************************
What is the difference between the Lions and an arsonist?
An arsonist wouldn't waste that many matches.

 

[Howjoe]

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995


Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

 

[Johnboy]

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995

Oh no it isn't :- http://www.snopes.com/military/lighthse.htm


John

 

[Howjoe]

made me laugh.

 

[Jaco]

George Bush was visiting an elementary school, and he visited a 4th grade class during a discussion of words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word “tragedy.” So, our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stood up and offered, “My best friend, who lives next door, was playing in the street, and a car came along and ran over him. That would be a tragedy.” “No,” said Bush, “That would be an accident.” A little girl raised her hand. “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a high cliff, killing everyone in the bus, that would be a tragedy”. “I’m afraid not,” said the President. “That’s what we would call a great loss.” The room grew silent. No other children would volunteer an answer. Bush searched the room; “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?” Finally, in the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice, he said, “If the plane, carrying you and Mrs. Bush were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, which would be a tragedy.” “Fantastic,” said Bush. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”
“Well,” said the boy, “because it wouldn’t be an accident, and it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss.”

 

[Jaco]

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

 

[Jaco]

A bloke is in a queue at the Super Market when he notices that the rather
dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and
although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says
"sorry do you know me?" She replies "I may be mistaken, but I thought you
might be the father of one of my children !

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,
"Christ!" he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I sha??ed on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ar???"

"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"

 

[Jaco]

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, "Mom,
why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that
your bride is pure."

The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion, "Dad, why are
wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household
appliances come in white."

 

[tim]

Given the postings on varmits etc in the buying advice section, I thought I'd add this redneck usage of computer language:



1. LOG ON: Makin a wood stove hotter.

2. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.

3. MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove.

4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk.

5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin the farwood.

6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much
farwood.

7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.

8. HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time.

9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.

10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it's cold outside.

11. SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it's blak fly season.

12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.

13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.

14. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag.

15. MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields.

16. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife.

17. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.

18. KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.

19. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs.

20. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.

21. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.

22. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine

23. ENTER: Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all"

24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain't 'member whut ya
paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.

25. MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.


yeee hawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

 

[tim]

A man comes home with a live sheep under his arm, walks into the bedroom and says "this is the pig i have sex with when you have a headache".

His wife puts down her book, looks at him and says "I think you'll find that's a sheep". He says "and I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep".

 

[Jaco]

Now thats looking for trouble!

 

[LyNx]

THE LADS PRAYER

OUR BEER
WHICH COMETH IN BOTTLES
HALLOWED BE THY ALE
THY WILL BE DRUNK
I WILL BE DRUNK
AT HOME AS WE ARE IN THE PUB
GIVE US EACH DAY OUR DAILY BEVERAGE
AND FORGIVE US OUR SPILLAGES
AND WE FORGIVE THOSE WHO SPILLAGE AGAINST US AND LEAD US NOT INTO POOFY WINEBARS OR DETRACT US FROM REAL ALE FOR MINE IS THE BITTER THE TOTTY AND THE FOOTY FOREVER AND EVER BARMEN


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@


A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2"
in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

"Now, "said the professor, "I want you to recognise that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff."

"If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical check-ups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal."

"Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

But then...

A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.

The moral of this tale is: that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER!!

 

[RogerS]

Three philosophy professors were debating the true definition of 'laissez faire'.

The first professor said "I think that the definition of laissez-faire is when a husband comes home unexpectedly, opens the door to the bedroom, finds his wife in bed with another man and then shuts the door again. That's 'laissez-faire'.

"Mmmmm" said the second professor "not bad but not quite right. I think that the definition of laissez-faire is when a husband comes home unexpectedly, opens the door to the bedroom, finds his wife in bed with another man, says to the man 'Carry On' and then shuts the door again. That's 'laissez-faire'.

"Close but not quite correct" said the last professor. "The true definition of laissez-faire is when a husband comes home unexpectedly, opens the door to the bedroom, finds his wife in bed with another man, says to the man 'Carry On', then shuts the door again and the man CAN carry on. That's 'laissez-faire'"