Jokes

[DaveL]

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion
and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,
and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make
and she will not nag you. and will always be the first
to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
She will praise you!
She will bear your children.
and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely
give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "That's too much. What can I get for a rib?"

Of course the rest is history......................

 

[Gill]

There was a tradesman, a painter called Jock, who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of their biggest buildings. Jock put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job.

And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.

Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Jock clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...


"Repaint! Repaint! and thin no more!"

 

[Midnight]

"Repaint! Repaint! and thin no more!"

<thunks......n groansssssssssssss


just when ya think Gill's jokes canna possibly get any worse......she hits ya with that.............sheeshhhhhhhhhh.....

:wink:

 

[Gill]

Oh, but Mike..... they can always get worse :wink:


A man took his wife to the county show. One of the first exhibits they saw was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen which had a sign attached saying "This bull mated 50 times last year". The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "Look, he mated 50 times last year………"

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said "This bull mated 120 times last year". The wife gave her husband a healthy *** and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him……"

They walked to the third pen which had a sign in capital letters saying "This bull mated 365 times last year". The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one." The husband looked at her and said "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."



Gill

 

[Guest]

An old farmer was sitting in the local pub looking very down in the mouth.A younger ,with-it farmer noticed him and asked him what the problem was .
"My bull has died and I can't afford to replace him and my cows all need servicing." moaned the old chap."Why don't you ring the artificial insemminatation man? He'll sort your cows out for you." The young farmer gave the tel no to the old chap who left with a big smile on his face.
The Ministry sent out a man who took one look at the broken down ,dirty barn and told the old farmer" I can't work in these conditions. You'll have to fix this barn up and give it a clean. Give me a ring when it's done and i'll come straight out..
After much mending and cleaning the insemination man was called out again."My!" he exclaimed "This is a lot better now" "Yes said the old farmer, I've even put a new hook up for you to hang your trousers on"

 

[DaveL]

The Engineer
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

 

[Anonymous]

At the Women's Lib International Conference:

The first speaker, a lady from Wales, stood and said, "During last Year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband Trevor that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself.

After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from Russia, stood up and said, "After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband Ivan that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself.

The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing. On the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well!

The crowd again cheered.

The third speaker, from Newcastle, stood up and said, "Afta last yee-ah's confyrence, aah went herm and telt that lazy basstad of mine Geordie that I was nae longa gonna be pickin up his beer cans, cookin his bait and washin his kecks and that he was gonna haff to de them hisell.

The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes!

She continued....................................... "Afta the foist day, I nevah saw nowt. Afta the second day I nevah saw nowt. But afta the thord day, I was begginnin ta see a little bit out of me left eye."

 

[Gill]

Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with "I".
Little Johnny: I is...
Teacher: No, Little Johnny. Always say "I am."
Little Johnny: All right. "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

 

[Knot Competent]

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

 

[StewieH]

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china,

I want you to make me a new Ark".
Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want after all you're the guv' . . . ".
But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, . . I want 20
decks one on top of the other".
"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals
just like last time?"
"Yep, that's right, well . . sort of right . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.
“Fish?", queries Noah
"Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Carp!"
Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"
"Check".
With 20 decks, one on top of the other?".
"Check". "And you want it full of Carp?".
"Check".
"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether....


."Dunno", says God,
"I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".

 

[Dickymint]

Scientific Study


I realize that this is for submissions of jokes, but I came across this
important scientific study that people should be aware of:

Recently, Scientists in United Kingdom suggested that the results of a
recent analysis revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, and suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were each fed 6 pints of beer within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense,
became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while urinating and refused to apologize when wrong.
The results were conclusive and no further testing is planned.
:shock: :lol:

 

[Dickymint]

So why did the chicken cross the road?

MOHAMMED SAEED AL-SAHAF (COMICAL ALI):
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We do not even have a chicken.

GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either for us or against us. There is no middle ground.

TONY BLAIR:
I agree with George.

HANS BLIX:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

MARTIN LUTHER KING Jr:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

TRISHA:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it survived a serious case of moulting and went onto accomplish its dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together in peace.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of the chicken to cross the road.

RONALD REAGAN:
What Chicken?

SIGMUND FREUD:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES:
EChicken 2003 will not only cross roads but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your cheque book, and Internet Explorer 7 is an integral part of eChicken.

BILL CLINTON:
What is your definition of chicken?

GRANDAD:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road and that was good enough.

COLOLNEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?

HOMER SIMPSON:
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm chicken!
(homer)

 

[Les Mahon]

Creation
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and
Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10
pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 10 to size 18.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad."

And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side.
And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken, fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good’.

Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.

 

[Gill]

What are HMOs?

Gill

 

[Les Mahon]

Health Maintenance Organisations - aka Private health care organisations

 

[Gill]

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that was enough,
as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his
doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more
children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy
that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly
alternative was to go home, get a big firework, light it, put it in a
beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Irishman
said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I
don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going
to help me." "Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor. So the man
went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to
his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused
and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting
on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Birmingham, Manchester, parts of Essex, Newcastle and anywhere in Wales.

 

[trevtheturner]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[Midnight]

This procedure also works in Birmingham, Manchester, parts of Essex, Newcastle and anywhere in Wales.

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

priceless.....

 

[frank]

its a cracker :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[cambournepete]

Thanks Gill, I'm glad my GP didn't do that 10 days ago though! :wink: