trevtheturner
Established Member
Davel,
ROTFL :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Trev.
ROTFL :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Trev.
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RogerS
Established Member
Just try finding links that tell you how to create a list of FAQs on a webpage. This time the joke was on me!
RogerS
Established Member
Contrary to popular doctrine, Heaven and hell are actually on the same level and separated by a fence. As luck would have it the posts are on the Devil's side, which as we all know means that he's responsible for the upkeep.
And being the Devil he's not really bothered and so the fence gets more and more dilapidated, much to God's annoyance until one day, in exasperation, God goes over to the fence and says to the Devil "Oy ..you..when are you going to fix this fence? It's getting worse and worse, day by day and sometime soon one of my Angels are going to hurt themselves. Unless you fix that fence I'm going to get my solicitor onto you."
The devil looks at God with a bemused expression and after a few minutes replies "Where are you going to get a solicitor from?"
And being the Devil he's not really bothered and so the fence gets more and more dilapidated, much to God's annoyance until one day, in exasperation, God goes over to the fence and says to the Devil "Oy ..you..when are you going to fix this fence? It's getting worse and worse, day by day and sometime soon one of my Angels are going to hurt themselves. Unless you fix that fence I'm going to get my solicitor onto you."
The devil looks at God with a bemused expression and after a few minutes replies "Where are you going to get a solicitor from?"
A woman was out shopping and her son was with her. The boy spotted a man who was bowlegged. The boy pulled on Mum's hand and said, " Mum, look at the bowlegged man."
Mum was mortified and told her son that it was not polite to point to a person and make that sort of comment. For punishment, the boy had to read a play by Shakespeare. He couldn't go out again until he finished reading the play. Finally he finished and his mum took him out again. Once again he spied a bowlegged man, but remembered what happened the last time.
So he pulled on his mother's hand and said, "Lo, what manner of men are these, who wear their balls in parentheses?"
Mum was mortified and told her son that it was not polite to point to a person and make that sort of comment. For punishment, the boy had to read a play by Shakespeare. He couldn't go out again until he finished reading the play. Finally he finished and his mum took him out again. Once again he spied a bowlegged man, but remembered what happened the last time.
So he pulled on his mother's hand and said, "Lo, what manner of men are these, who wear their balls in parentheses?"
Drew
Established Member
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a four-hour operation.
A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.
"Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I am only here to wash your hands and feet."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his ***** in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and says, "There is nothing wrong with them!"
The man carefully removes his oxygen mask and says very slowly, "That was very, very nice but listen very, very closely - Are...my...test...results...back?"
A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.
"Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I am only here to wash your hands and feet."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his ***** in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and says, "There is nothing wrong with them!"
The man carefully removes his oxygen mask and says very slowly, "That was very, very nice but listen very, very closely - Are...my...test...results...back?"
Bean
Established Member
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the
middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right
in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and
gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees the man crying on
the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and
killed it."
The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a
spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the
contents onto the rabbit.
The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down
the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops
down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet,
turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he
hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is
in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says...
Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."
Bean
middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right
in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and
gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees the man crying on
the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and
killed it."
The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a
spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the
contents onto the rabbit.
The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down
the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops
down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet,
turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he
hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is
in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says...
Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."
Bean
"Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike tells Jack. "There's a diagnostic computer at Asda. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five pounds.....a lot quicker and better than a doctor".
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Asda.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure Jack hurried back to Asda, eager to check what would happen.
He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3.Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4.Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better..........thank you for shopping at Asda.
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Asda.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure Jack hurried back to Asda, eager to check what would happen.
He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3.Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4.Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better..........thank you for shopping at Asda.
Steve Maskery
Established Member
Bean":1971xio4 said:
Bean, that is TERRIBLE!
S
Before an England vs Scotland friendly, Wayne Rooney goes into the England changing room only to find all his team-mates looking a bit glum.
"What's the matter lads?" he asks.
"We're having trouble getting motivated for this game" replies Becks.
"We know we're playing for national pride but it's only Scotland. We can't really be all that bothered!"
Rooney looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat them single-handed. You lads have the afternoon off and watch from the pub."
So Rooney goes out to play Scotland all by himself and the rest of the squad nip off to the pub for a few drinks.
After a few jars they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to switch on the TV.
A big cheer goes up as the screen reads: England 1 -- Scotland 0 (Rooney 10 mins)
A few more pints of beer later,and Ashley Cole shouts, "It must be full time now, lets see how he got on"
They look up at the TV and see "England 1 (Rooney 10 mins)-- Scotland 1 (Ferguson 89mins)"
The England team can't believe it - Rooney has managed a draw against the whole Scotland team!
They all rush back to the stadium to congratulate him, but find him in the dressing room, sobbing, with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them.
'I've let you down lads'. says Rooney
"Don't be daft!" says Becks, "You got a draw against Scotland all by yourself, and they only scored in the 89th minute!"
"No, no I HAVE let you down," insists Rooney......
"I got sent off in the 12th minute."
"What's the matter lads?" he asks.
"We're having trouble getting motivated for this game" replies Becks.
"We know we're playing for national pride but it's only Scotland. We can't really be all that bothered!"
Rooney looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat them single-handed. You lads have the afternoon off and watch from the pub."
So Rooney goes out to play Scotland all by himself and the rest of the squad nip off to the pub for a few drinks.
After a few jars they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to switch on the TV.
A big cheer goes up as the screen reads: England 1 -- Scotland 0 (Rooney 10 mins)
A few more pints of beer later,and Ashley Cole shouts, "It must be full time now, lets see how he got on"
They look up at the TV and see "England 1 (Rooney 10 mins)-- Scotland 1 (Ferguson 89mins)"
The England team can't believe it - Rooney has managed a draw against the whole Scotland team!
They all rush back to the stadium to congratulate him, but find him in the dressing room, sobbing, with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them.
'I've let you down lads'. says Rooney
"Don't be daft!" says Becks, "You got a draw against Scotland all by yourself, and they only scored in the 89th minute!"
"No, no I HAVE let you down," insists Rooney......
"I got sent off in the 12th minute."
Argee
Established Member
I ploughed through all ten pages and didn't see this included, so here goes:
Pete has been fishing, in a small boat on Loch Lomond, all day. Not a bite, not a touch, a complete blank. Once and for all deciding that he’d had enough, he begins to reel in for the last time when “bang” and he’s into a really good fish. After a couple of minutes, the fish breaks the surface, rearing right out on its tail. It had a very deep red colour to it and Pete is mystified.
After a thirty-minute fight, the fish is exhausted and ready for the net. As Pete heaves it up over the rear of the boat, the fish gives him a big wink and says “Don’t be frightened. I saw that you’d had a bad day and I thought that if I gave you some decent sport, you wouldn’t bang me on the head, but would put me gently back.” Amazed though he his, Pete agrees, saying “I’ve seen loads of fish, but never one your colour – I thought that you were a salmon, but you’re red.” The fish replies “I am indeed a salmon and because of my unusual pigment, everyone I know calls me Rusty. What’s your name?” Pete introduces himself, as he prepares to return the fish to the water.
“What are you doing tomorrow, Pete?” asks the fish. “Working, I’m afraid, why?” The fish says “Well, I’ve just about had it with this Loch – I’ve been up and down it, side to side, diagonally, every flippin’ way. I was wondering if you’d put me out to sea if you can find the time?” Pete replies “You’re in luck. I’m just moving offices and I’ve got one of those pink crates still in my car. I’ll nip and get that and fill it with water, then I’ll drive you to the coast on my way home, OK?” This is what happens, Pete releases the salmon into the sea and drives off home amazed, but quite pleased with himself for acting so humanely.
Years pass, Pete is promoted and moves to North Cornwall. He decides to try his hand at sea fishing and has a really miserable blank day. Reeling in to go home, he gets a mighty take and “bang” – off goes a really good fish. A couple of minutes pass and the fish jumps – a reddish-coloured blur.
After another brilliant twenty minutes of fighting, the fish is ready to be landed, as it goes into the net it gives Pete a great big wink. “Rusty, is that you?!” cries Pete. “Pete!” replies the fish, “what are the chances, it’s been years – what have you been up to?” Pete gave a resume of the past ten years or so, then says “What about you, Rusty?”
“Well,” replied the fish, “after you released me, I popped across to the Caribbean and spent the summer with some dolphin friends. Then I went up the Eastern seaboard and had a look at New York harbour, but it was full of Coke cans and condoms, so I carried on North, intending to ride the Gulf Stream back here. I don’t know whether this ever happened to you while you were swimming, but I suddenly felt very hot and began to perspire, so I went a lot deeper and, much to my amazement, I came upon the wreck of the Titanic.” Pete was both impressed and amazed and sought further details. “Oh, it was great,” said the fish. “I swam through the great dining room and could imagine the waiters in their long pure white aprons, holding their silver trays aloft as they weaved between the beautifully-dressed diners. The gleaming linen tablecloths, the silverware, the floral table centres, the small orchestra playing quietly on a raised semi-circular dias, across the ballroom floor. I could imagine the vast chandeliers glinting and the romance of the whole occasion. I was there for such a long time, I wrote a poem about it. As a matter of fact, I was so drawn to the place, I kept going back and spent over a year there, in which I wrote a load more poems, enough for an anthology, in fact.”
“You ought to get that published,” said Pete. “I did have it published,” replied the fish, “I’m surprised you haven’t heard of it, it caused quite a stir when it came out.”
“I can’t think how I missed it,” replied Pete, “what was it called?”
The fish replied “Salmon Rusty’s Titanic Verses.” :?
Ray.
Pete has been fishing, in a small boat on Loch Lomond, all day. Not a bite, not a touch, a complete blank. Once and for all deciding that he’d had enough, he begins to reel in for the last time when “bang” and he’s into a really good fish. After a couple of minutes, the fish breaks the surface, rearing right out on its tail. It had a very deep red colour to it and Pete is mystified.
After a thirty-minute fight, the fish is exhausted and ready for the net. As Pete heaves it up over the rear of the boat, the fish gives him a big wink and says “Don’t be frightened. I saw that you’d had a bad day and I thought that if I gave you some decent sport, you wouldn’t bang me on the head, but would put me gently back.” Amazed though he his, Pete agrees, saying “I’ve seen loads of fish, but never one your colour – I thought that you were a salmon, but you’re red.” The fish replies “I am indeed a salmon and because of my unusual pigment, everyone I know calls me Rusty. What’s your name?” Pete introduces himself, as he prepares to return the fish to the water.
“What are you doing tomorrow, Pete?” asks the fish. “Working, I’m afraid, why?” The fish says “Well, I’ve just about had it with this Loch – I’ve been up and down it, side to side, diagonally, every flippin’ way. I was wondering if you’d put me out to sea if you can find the time?” Pete replies “You’re in luck. I’m just moving offices and I’ve got one of those pink crates still in my car. I’ll nip and get that and fill it with water, then I’ll drive you to the coast on my way home, OK?” This is what happens, Pete releases the salmon into the sea and drives off home amazed, but quite pleased with himself for acting so humanely.
Years pass, Pete is promoted and moves to North Cornwall. He decides to try his hand at sea fishing and has a really miserable blank day. Reeling in to go home, he gets a mighty take and “bang” – off goes a really good fish. A couple of minutes pass and the fish jumps – a reddish-coloured blur.
After another brilliant twenty minutes of fighting, the fish is ready to be landed, as it goes into the net it gives Pete a great big wink. “Rusty, is that you?!” cries Pete. “Pete!” replies the fish, “what are the chances, it’s been years – what have you been up to?” Pete gave a resume of the past ten years or so, then says “What about you, Rusty?”
“Well,” replied the fish, “after you released me, I popped across to the Caribbean and spent the summer with some dolphin friends. Then I went up the Eastern seaboard and had a look at New York harbour, but it was full of Coke cans and condoms, so I carried on North, intending to ride the Gulf Stream back here. I don’t know whether this ever happened to you while you were swimming, but I suddenly felt very hot and began to perspire, so I went a lot deeper and, much to my amazement, I came upon the wreck of the Titanic.” Pete was both impressed and amazed and sought further details. “Oh, it was great,” said the fish. “I swam through the great dining room and could imagine the waiters in their long pure white aprons, holding their silver trays aloft as they weaved between the beautifully-dressed diners. The gleaming linen tablecloths, the silverware, the floral table centres, the small orchestra playing quietly on a raised semi-circular dias, across the ballroom floor. I could imagine the vast chandeliers glinting and the romance of the whole occasion. I was there for such a long time, I wrote a poem about it. As a matter of fact, I was so drawn to the place, I kept going back and spent over a year there, in which I wrote a load more poems, enough for an anthology, in fact.”
“You ought to get that published,” said Pete. “I did have it published,” replied the fish, “I’m surprised you haven’t heard of it, it caused quite a stir when it came out.”
“I can’t think how I missed it,” replied Pete, “what was it called?”
The fish replied “Salmon Rusty’s Titanic Verses.” :?
Ray.
froglet
Established Member
And I though Bean's was the worst joke I had heard for decades :roll:
Graeme
Graeme
trevtheturner
Established Member
Bean & Ray,
:shock: Terrible, terrible, terrible............ :roll:
..............and a good laugh! :lol: :lol:
Trev
:shock: Terrible, terrible, terrible............ :roll:
..............and a good laugh! :lol: :lol:
Trev
tim
Established Member
A farmer is sitting in his local bar getting inebriated. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain."
Man: "So what happened that's so horrible?"
Farmer: "Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the
bucket."
Man: "Okay, but that's not so bad."
Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain."
Man: "So what happened then?"
Farmer: "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."
Man: "And then?"
Farmer: "Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the
bucket."
Man: "Again?"
Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain."
Man: "So, what did you do then?"
Farmer: "I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the
right."
Man: "And then?"
Farmer: "Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got
the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her
tail."
Man: "Hmmm..."
Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain."
Man: "So, what did you do?"
Farmer: "Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and
tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my
wife walked in....."
T
Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain."
Man: "So what happened that's so horrible?"
Farmer: "Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the
bucket."
Man: "Okay, but that's not so bad."
Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain."
Man: "So what happened then?"
Farmer: "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."
Man: "And then?"
Farmer: "Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the
bucket."
Man: "Again?"
Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain."
Man: "So, what did you do then?"
Farmer: "I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the
right."
Man: "And then?"
Farmer: "Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got
the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her
tail."
Man: "Hmmm..."
Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain."
Man: "So, what did you do?"
Farmer: "Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and
tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my
wife walked in....."
T
tim
Established Member
> ////// WORDS OF WISDOM FROM DAVID BRENT \\\\\\
>
> What does a squirrel do in the summer? It buries nuts. Why? Cos then in
> winter time he's got something to eat and he won't die. So, collecting nuts
> in the summer is worthwhile work. Every task you do at work think, would a
> squirrel do that? Think squirrels. Think nuts.
>
> When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by
> reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
>
> Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue
>
> If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork
> and imagine him in jail.
>
> If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you
> probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation.
>
> Never do today that which will become someone elses responsibility tomorrow.
>
> You don't have to be mad to work here, in fact we ask you to complete a
> medical questionnaire to ensure that you are not.
>
> If you treat the people around you with love and respect, they will never
> guess that you're trying to get them sacked.
>
> If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.
>
> You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back.
>
> If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.
>
> Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us who
> do.
>
> There's no 'I' in 'team'. But then there's no 'I' in 'useless smug
> colleague', either. And there's four in 'platitude-quoting *****'. Go
> figure.
>
> There may be no 'I' in team, but there's a 'ME' if you look hard enough.
>
> Process and Procedure are the last hiding place of people without the wit
> and wisdom to do their job properly.
>
> Too much ambition results in promotion to a job you can't do.
>
> Make good use of your cylindrical filing unit, the one you mainly keep under
> your desk.
>
> Remember that age and treachery will always triumph over youth
> and ability.
>
> Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never
> quit are idiots.
>
> If you're gonna be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes - make it an
> hour and enjoy your breakfast.
>
> Remember the 3 golden rules: 1. It was like that when I got here. 2. I
> didn't do it. 3. (To your Boss) I like your style.
>
> The office is like an army, and I'm the field general. You're my
> footsoldiers and customer quality is the WAR!!!
>
> Set out to leave the first vapour trail in the blue-sky scenario.
>
> Statistics are like a lamp-post to a drunken man - more for leaning on than
> illumination.
>
> A problem shared is a problem halved, so is your problem really yours or
> just half of someone elses?
>
> Is your work done? Are all pigs fed, watered and ready to fly?
>
> You don't have to be mad to work here, but you do have to be on time, well
> presented, a team player, customer service focused and sober.
>
> I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just
> some b*stard with a torch, bringing me more work.
>
> Avoid employing unlucky people - throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin
> without reading them.
>
> Put the key of despair into the lock of apathy. Turn the knob of mediocrity
> slowly and open the gates of despondency - welcome to a day in the average
> office
>
>
> What does a squirrel do in the summer? It buries nuts. Why? Cos then in
> winter time he's got something to eat and he won't die. So, collecting nuts
> in the summer is worthwhile work. Every task you do at work think, would a
> squirrel do that? Think squirrels. Think nuts.
>
> When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by
> reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
>
> Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue
>
> If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork
> and imagine him in jail.
>
> If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you
> probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation.
>
> Never do today that which will become someone elses responsibility tomorrow.
>
> You don't have to be mad to work here, in fact we ask you to complete a
> medical questionnaire to ensure that you are not.
>
> If you treat the people around you with love and respect, they will never
> guess that you're trying to get them sacked.
>
> If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.
>
> You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back.
>
> If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.
>
> Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us who
> do.
>
> There's no 'I' in 'team'. But then there's no 'I' in 'useless smug
> colleague', either. And there's four in 'platitude-quoting *****'. Go
> figure.
>
> There may be no 'I' in team, but there's a 'ME' if you look hard enough.
>
> Process and Procedure are the last hiding place of people without the wit
> and wisdom to do their job properly.
>
> Too much ambition results in promotion to a job you can't do.
>
> Make good use of your cylindrical filing unit, the one you mainly keep under
> your desk.
>
> Remember that age and treachery will always triumph over youth
> and ability.
>
> Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never
> quit are idiots.
>
> If you're gonna be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes - make it an
> hour and enjoy your breakfast.
>
> Remember the 3 golden rules: 1. It was like that when I got here. 2. I
> didn't do it. 3. (To your Boss) I like your style.
>
> The office is like an army, and I'm the field general. You're my
> footsoldiers and customer quality is the WAR!!!
>
> Set out to leave the first vapour trail in the blue-sky scenario.
>
> Statistics are like a lamp-post to a drunken man - more for leaning on than
> illumination.
>
> A problem shared is a problem halved, so is your problem really yours or
> just half of someone elses?
>
> Is your work done? Are all pigs fed, watered and ready to fly?
>
> You don't have to be mad to work here, but you do have to be on time, well
> presented, a team player, customer service focused and sober.
>
> I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just
> some b*stard with a torch, bringing me more work.
>
> Avoid employing unlucky people - throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin
> without reading them.
>
> Put the key of despair into the lock of apathy. Turn the knob of mediocrity
> slowly and open the gates of despondency - welcome to a day in the average
> office
>
A
Anonymous
Guest
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Who os David Brent?
Who os David Brent?
tim
Established Member
Not sure if this is a serious question or not but in case it is Tony, may I direct you to the comedy zenith that is The Office.
T
trevtheturner
Established Member
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
What is The Office?
Trev.
What is The Office?
Trev.
> There's a new virus going around. It is called C-Nile. Even
> the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot
> take care of it so be warned. It appears to affect mostly
> those of us who were born before 1960.
>
> Symptoms of C-Nile Virus:
>
> 1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice
> 2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail
> 3. Causes you to send it to the wrong person
> 4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you
> 5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment
> 6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the
> the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot
> take care of it so be warned. It appears to affect mostly
> those of us who were born before 1960.
>
> Symptoms of C-Nile Virus:
>
> 1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice
> 2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail
> 3. Causes you to send it to the wrong person
> 4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you
> 5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment
> 6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the
A
Anonymous
Guest
tim":199d5s96 said:
T'was a serious question - I had/have no idea who this bloke is
That explains it. I saw 15 minutes of the office once, hated it with a vengeance (too close to many people I have worked with to be funny) and never saw it again
Bean
Established Member
Tony you saw it :shock: does that mean radio with pictures has reached Leicestershire :?:
Bean
Bean
- Status
