Joke thread

[Doug B]

 

[Suffolkboy]

Not sure if this translates well into text but here it goes...

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Dunnup
Dunnup who?

What on my doorstep?

 

[Stan]

How can you tell if a politician is lying?


His/her lips are moving.

 

[Stan]

Court prosecutor to medical doctor in the witness box....

cp: So you say Mr Blenkinsop was dead?

md: Yes.

cp: Did you test his pulse?

md: No.

cp: Did you check he was breathing?

md: No.

cp: So how do you know he was dead?

md: Because his brain was in a jar on my desk.

cp: Yes, but if you didn't check his pulse or breathing, how can you be so sure he was dead?

md: Well, I suppose he could have been up and about practising law somewhere...

 

[stuart little]

View attachment 125855

Laurel & Hardy, perhaps?

 

[stuart little]

Yeah, exactly! Where can you buy those hats? I've seen lots of shops where those hats have the peak at the front, but never a shop having hats with the peak at the back!

A deerstalker would do, it's got front & back peaks.

 

[dzj]

Laurel & Hardy, perhaps?

Maybe. Google doesn't attribute it to anyone though.

 

[stuart little]

This was also used in 'The Plank' ; Tommy Cooper.

 

[Doug B]

 

[HamsterJam]

Open the door, as any 5 year old knows.

Bod

How do you get four elephants into a Mini?

 

[flying haggis]

How do you get four elephants into a Mini?

I dont know, but I do know to get two whales in a mini.........

 

[treeturner123]

Woodworking
is one third planning;
one third marking out,
one third cutting, drilling, paring,
and one third trying to work out why you are short...

Cheers, Vann.

Reminds me of the old joke:-

There are 3 kinds of Accountants ( Or QSs if you are in the building line)

Those who can add up

And those who can't.


Needless to say, this usually goes well over the head of Accountants!

Phi

 

[akirk]

There was a meeting of all the trades to finally put to rest the age-old question of the definitive answer to 2+2
The various groups met and discussed for many days, and as the meeting came to a close, the chairman asked each group to report back their conclusion:
- The lawyers went first - easy, 2+2 is legally 4
- Then the educators who also agreed that 2+2 = 4
- then the engineers - who came back precisely with an answer of 3.9999999998
- then the philosophers - who felt that it could vary according to your mood and perhaps it wasn't really important
and so on around the groups...

finally the chairman noticed that one group had not yet reported back - so he asked the accountants for their answer, the accountants' spokesman got up, put down his calculator and thought for a moment - well mr chairman, what would you like it to be?

 

[HamsterJam]

I dont know, but I do know to get two whales in a mini.........

The answer is two in the front and two in the back….
How do you get four giraffes in a Mini?

 

[kinverkid]

The answer is two in the front and two in the back….
How do you get four giraffes in a Mini?

Ask the elephants to vacate the vehicle first?

 

[Doug B]

 

[Wildman]

Whats yellow and dangerous?







Shark infested custard.

Now the thread is now on track....

How do you know there's been an elephant in the fridge?

Answers on a postcard please.



Bod

footprints in the butter

 

[HamsterJam]

Ask the elephants to vacate the vehicle first?

Nearly - You can’t, it’s full of elephants.

Now you know how to tell whether there are elephants in your fridge ……
There will be a Mini parked outside.

 

[kinverkid]

Nearly - You can’t, it’s full of elephants.

Now you know how to tell whether there are elephants in your fridge ……
There will be a Mini parked outside.

If they want to get into our fridge they will have to ask the Hippos to move over and maybe take the salad tray out.

 

[user 38384]

Or this….