Joke thread

[Doug B]

 

[Woodchip Wilbur]

...or, the well-known one, of course, courtesy of Messrs.Microsoft...

"If your keyboard's not working, press F1 to continue" (or words to that effect...)

"Press any key to continue"
To help desk: "Where's the "any" key on my computer?"

 

[stuart little]

erm.....No....
That's right, Stuart....and sort-of my point!

Exactly

 

[niemeyjt]

"Press any key to continue"
To help desk: "Where's the "any" key on my computer?"

It is marked on my computer:

 

[Sandyn]

My new car beeps every time I pass a vicar, apparently it's just the rev counter.........

 

[stuart little]

What's an occasional table the rest of the time?

 

[Sachakins]

What's an occasional table the rest of the time?

A dust collector

 

[Blackswanwood]

 

[Billy_wizz]

A dust collector

I thought it was an occasional table because you can occasionally see it under all the rubbish you drop on it

 

[Turnr77]

The conversation between God and Noah

God: Noah I am sending a great flood that will cover all of the Earth so I want you to build a great boat, an Ark that will hold you and you're family and two of every creature.

Noah: OK God I can do that, one huge Ark coming up.

God: Also I want you to make it with ten decks to accommodate all the animals.

Noah: Whoah that's gonna be top heavy so it'll need to be really wide to stop it toppling.

God: You're the expert so whatever you need to do, do it.

Several weeks pass

Noah: All finished God, I'll start gathering the animals.

God: Actually, I've had a bit of a rethink on the animals, I want you to build water holding tanks on all of the decks and then net all the rivers, lakes, streams and ponds and catch all of the carp, I want every type of carp, common carp, leather carp, mirror carp, crucian carp, grass carp, Koi carp, carp of every species and fill all the tanks with them.

Noah: So let me get this straight, you wanted a huge Ark with ten decks?

God: Yes

Noah: And then build water holding tanks on all decks?

God: Yes.

Noah: And the fill the whole thing with just species of carp?

God: Exactly.

Noah: But why God, why?

God: I don't know really, just really fancied a Multi-story Carp Ark.

 

[Jester129]

 

[Jester129]

 

[Jester129]

 

[Jester129]

 

[paulrbarnard]

 

[Cordy]

YouTube video; it's very good !

 

[Cabinetman]

That was very well done!

 

[Doug B]

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Have you ever fallen to the
temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith and made love to a woman."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

 

[mikej460]

 

[John Brown]

View attachment 117115

I love it, but....
http://internettruthdebunked.blogspot.com/2015/04/internet-memes-debunked-dalek-shower.html?m=1