Joke thread
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Cozzer
Established Member
Bloke in a fishmonger's queue.
He eventually reaches the front....
"Some salmon fillets, please"
"Sorry matey - didn't have any delivered today...sorry"
The bloke, disappointed, wanders away from the counter, but strangely joins the back of the queue again, before finding himself at the front to be served.
"Some salmon fillets, please"
"No... sorry sir... none delivered, and we're not expecting any to be dropped off later either...so....."
The bloke wanders away from the counter again, but strangely joins the back of the queue, before finding himself at the front to be served.
The same conversation takes place. In fact, the same scene repeats another couple of times.
The fishmonger is getting a bit agitated by now. The bloke appears to be OK mentally, and isn't shouting or anything untowards.... so what's going on?
"Some salmon fillets, please"
"Look, pal... I don't wish to be rude, but I've got better things to do than entertain you, time and time again!"
"I only want some salmon fillets...."
"Look! How can I make this any clearer?! The word "fillets" - how many f's are there?"
"One"
"And how many f's are there in "fresh fish"?"
"Two"
"And in the word "salmon?"
"There's no f in salmon"
"I know! I've been telling you that all bleedin' morning!"
He eventually reaches the front....
"Some salmon fillets, please"
"Sorry matey - didn't have any delivered today...sorry"
The bloke, disappointed, wanders away from the counter, but strangely joins the back of the queue again, before finding himself at the front to be served.
"Some salmon fillets, please"
"No... sorry sir... none delivered, and we're not expecting any to be dropped off later either...so....."
The bloke wanders away from the counter again, but strangely joins the back of the queue, before finding himself at the front to be served.
The same conversation takes place. In fact, the same scene repeats another couple of times.
The fishmonger is getting a bit agitated by now. The bloke appears to be OK mentally, and isn't shouting or anything untowards.... so what's going on?
"Some salmon fillets, please"
"Look, pal... I don't wish to be rude, but I've got better things to do than entertain you, time and time again!"
"I only want some salmon fillets...."
"Look! How can I make this any clearer?! The word "fillets" - how many f's are there?"
"One"
"And how many f's are there in "fresh fish"?"
"Two"
"And in the word "salmon?"
"There's no f in salmon"
"I know! I've been telling you that all bleedin' morning!"
Robbo3
Established Member
In a Courtroom, the judge says to a double-homicide defendant,
"You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bar steward!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bar steward!"
The judge stops and says to the man at the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these
crimes But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
The man stands up and says, "I'm sorry Your Honor, but for 15 years I've lived next door to that guy and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one!"
"You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bar steward!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bar steward!"
The judge stops and says to the man at the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these
crimes But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
The man stands up and says, "I'm sorry Your Honor, but for 15 years I've lived next door to that guy and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one!"
stuart little
Established Member
The old 'uns are the best! Last time I heard it, it was 'no f- in cod! LOL
Doug B
Shy Tot
Cozzer
Established Member
Correct! It was!
I decided to bring it 'up to date' having looked at the prices in Sainsburys yesterday!
Some of it more expensive than steak!
Blackswanwood
Still Learning
Robbo3
Established Member
Murphy and O'Brien go out into the woods, they come a clearing and see an abandoned well. Murphy said
'I wonder how deep that well is?' O'Brien said, 'There's one way we could figure it out'.
Murphy says, 'What's that?'
O'Brien says, 'We drop something down it, we time how long it takes to hit the bottom, you multiply that time 32 feet per second squared, the rate at which objects fall in a vacuum, subtract a little for wind resistance and we've got the depth of the well'.
Murphy says, ' What are you going to drop down it?'
Then O'Brien looked all around and he saw this big heavy log lying on the ground. Next he squats down by the log and, using his legs correctly, he gets it up onto his shoulders and staggers over to the edge of the well, tips it up, drops it into the well and they start to count, 'One hippopotamus, two hippopotamus, three .................... ' SPLASH!!!!
Murphy said, 'Three seconds!' O'Brien said, 'Quick, multiply that time 32 feet per second squared!' '288 feet!', Murphy said. 'Subtract a little for wind resistance, let's say 18 feet. The depth of that well is 270 feet deep'. As he finished the calculation Murphy shouts, 'LOOK OUT!!' and he pushed O'Brien backwards and a goat ran between them and jumped head first down the well. Murphy said, 'My God, I've never seen anything like that'.
Just then a farmer walks into the clearing and said, 'What's going on here boys?'
O'Brien says, 'We just figured out the depth of this well to be about 270 feet deep and then the strangest thing happened. A goat ran between the two of us and jumped head first down into the well.'
The farmer says, 'Thank heaven it wasn't one of my goats.'
Murphy says, 'How do you know it wasn't?'
And the farmer says, 'Because all of my goats are tethered to big heavy logs.'
'I wonder how deep that well is?' O'Brien said, 'There's one way we could figure it out'.
Murphy says, 'What's that?'
O'Brien says, 'We drop something down it, we time how long it takes to hit the bottom, you multiply that time 32 feet per second squared, the rate at which objects fall in a vacuum, subtract a little for wind resistance and we've got the depth of the well'.
Murphy says, ' What are you going to drop down it?'
Then O'Brien looked all around and he saw this big heavy log lying on the ground. Next he squats down by the log and, using his legs correctly, he gets it up onto his shoulders and staggers over to the edge of the well, tips it up, drops it into the well and they start to count, 'One hippopotamus, two hippopotamus, three .................... ' SPLASH!!!!
Murphy said, 'Three seconds!' O'Brien said, 'Quick, multiply that time 32 feet per second squared!' '288 feet!', Murphy said. 'Subtract a little for wind resistance, let's say 18 feet. The depth of that well is 270 feet deep'. As he finished the calculation Murphy shouts, 'LOOK OUT!!' and he pushed O'Brien backwards and a goat ran between them and jumped head first down the well. Murphy said, 'My God, I've never seen anything like that'.
Just then a farmer walks into the clearing and said, 'What's going on here boys?'
O'Brien says, 'We just figured out the depth of this well to be about 270 feet deep and then the strangest thing happened. A goat ran between the two of us and jumped head first down into the well.'
The farmer says, 'Thank heaven it wasn't one of my goats.'
Murphy says, 'How do you know it wasn't?'
And the farmer says, 'Because all of my goats are tethered to big heavy logs.'
Phil Pascoe
Established Member
^^^^^^ Jethro .......... about 1975.
Doug B
Shy Tot
Doug B
Shy Tot
Cozzer
Established Member
Doug B
Shy Tot
Blackswanwood
Still Learning
Phil Pascoe
Established Member
Ainsley Harriott last I saw that one.
Doug B
Shy Tot
Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave
The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.
'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'
The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.
Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Immediately, there was the answer.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,
'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.
There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............
You'll like this
NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!
All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave
The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.
'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'
The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.
Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Immediately, there was the answer.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,
'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.
There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............
You'll like this
NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!
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