Joke thread

[Cozzer]

At last!
After all the weeks and months of searching, applying and being interviewed, I've managed to get a job!
Not quite what I was after, granted...but it's a start.
Only temporary, for reasons which will become apparent - but hey!
It's with a local toy manufacturer, specialising in plastic toys for Halloween.
I'm going to be employed making their "Dracula" models.
I've been extremely lucky to get the job because it's only a 2-man production line, so I've got to make every second count...

 

[Steve Beck]

I'm from across the pond. Just want to say, Her Royal Majesty in one on my most revered person. She has see a lot that most all of us will never see in our lifetimes, I'm 75. She drove a truck, my dad who was in the UK during the war saw her do it! Cheers to Her Majesty

 

[flying haggis]

 

[Sandyn]

I told my dad I couldn't believe I failed my biology exam! He said, "I'm your mum!!"

 

[Hutzul]

BREAKING NEWS.
Payback time, yay !!

 

[Doug B]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer. Suzie stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have some praise. Two months ago, my husband, Frank, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Frank must have experienced.
"Frank was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."
We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Frank's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place with metal staples." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Frank.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "Thank the Lord, Frank is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Frank." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

 

[Doug B]

 

[dzj]

 

[stuart little]

What's the Oxford comma, guys?

 

[Daniel2]

What's the Oxford comma, guys?

This

 

[stuart little]

This

Oh. Thanks Dan, I've always used it but never heard it so called.
Stuart

 

[dzj]

What's the Oxford comma, guys?

It's the comma before and.
Best to look it up. There are many examples of amusing ambiguity with and without it.

 

[stuart little]

It's the comma before and.
Best to look it up. There are many examples of amusing ambiguity with and without it.

Thanks, NOW I see the Joke! It's an age thing!

 

[Phil Pascoe]

I'm glad someone can.

Ah, I see it. It's more to do ambiguity than an Oxford comma, though.

 

[Garden Shed Projects]

I find a Joke is a lot funnier when you have to Google an article to understand it…..

 

[AES]

"Eats shoots and leaves" (that's the title of the book, by, I think. Lynn Truss).

You can just sprinkle commas willy-nilly into the above title - which is after all, only four words - and come up with all sorts of ambiguities. Great fun

 

[Turnr77]

Eats shoots and leaves is the punchline to an old joke.

 

[Cozzer]

Further to the 'Oxford comma' business, there are many examples of how confusing grammar and punctuation can be.

"Oh, for God's sake!", he ejaculated.
as opposed to
"Oh, for God's sake!". He ejaculated.

Not forgetting the old chestnut regarding helping Uncle Jack off a horse....

 

[Cozzer]

"Eats shoots and leaves" (that's the title of the book, by, I think. Lynn Truss).

You can just sprinkle commas willy-nilly into the above title - which is after all, only four words - and come up with all sorts of ambiguities. Great fun

Worth £10 of anybody's money.
(It's actually Lynn with an 'e', by the way...._

 

[woodhutt]

Eats shoots and leaves is the punchline to an old joke.

Should be "Eats roots, shoots and leaves."