Joke thread

[Thingybob]

Thanks for pointing that out. I don’t have time to read 118 pages of jokes ( I wish I did) before I post. So I quess the easy solution is not to post.

Ooooooooh

 

[Thingybob]

And in the words of that other fine lyricist, John Lennon:

“Amo, amas, amat,
A monk, a mink, a minibus”

I now know why Latin is a dead language unless you want a top job in government. Ha Ha

 

[Thingybob]

Bit like warching Mock the week on Dave

I know typo error before we start the angle/angel thing again . Its my new Devon accent

 

[Phil Pascoe]

The inventor Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your Motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of women? "God said, "Ah, yes. " "Well, " said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention." God was somewhat taken back, and when He asked what the flaws might be, Arthur Davidson produced a list for Him to read.

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions.

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.

4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust and finally,

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous. "Hmmmm, you may have some good points there and it may be true that My invention is flawed... " God said to Arthur. "But the last time that I checked, more men are riding My invention than yours."

 

[SamG340]

Oh the Grand Old Duke Of York
He had 20 million quid
He gave it to an American girl
For something "he never did"

 

[Zedgeezer]

And in the words of that other fine lyricist, John Lennon:

“Amo, amas, amat,
A monk, a mink, a minibus”

That's a fail at GCSE O Level then, although who on earth takes that exam these days?

 

[mikej460]

That's a fail at GCSE O Level then, although who on earth takes that exam these days?

quite, I dropped it in 4th year

 

[Robbo3]

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

 

[Phil Pascoe]

That's a fail at GCSE O Level then, although who on earth takes that exam these days?

Other than woodwork it's the only one I took that's been any use.

 

[Doug B]

 

[SamG340]

 

[bushwhaker]

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church, by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives, in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.

He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. "We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the bloody R!" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old Abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies, "The word was... CELEBRATE!"

 

[IZZY]

Amo, Amas, Amat, Amamus, Amatis, Amant, I decline to answer this comment! Maybe a certain type of person to bother replying to this?

The only verb I learned during 2 years of LATIN at school. First lesson first week at Big School the novelty soon wore off.

 

[kinverkid]

 

[Blackswanwood]

 

[Stan]

And in the words of that other fine lyricist, John Lennon:

“Amo, amas, amat,
A monk, a mink, a minibus”

Amo, amas, amatitagain.

 

[Robbo3]

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove down town to confront the chemist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the chemist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys."

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire." "When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of coins against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer."

"And believe me, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

 

[SamG340]

 

[Jameshow]

Genuine ferm table saw...

Who would think to knock off an imitation!
Not exactly WB or startrite!!!

Genuine Ferm FZB-720 Table Top Saw VGC 230v 720w 200mm Collection Only | eBay

 

[Doug B]