Joke thread

[Jameshow]

Currently on sick-leave after dropping a kleenex box on my foot.
According to my physio, I've got soft tissue damage...

 

[flying haggis]

 

[Ozi]

so much so I have to take a seat

Now look what were saddled with

 

[user 38384]

 

[dzj]

 

[Doug B]

I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life... I wondering now if it's the same ring I put on when I got married...

 

[Thingybob]

You guys have derailed the joke thread and made it a pun thread. Shame on you.

Pete

Totaly agree with you Pete and the Morrissy replies belong in the Music History Thread we need laughts

 

[TRITON]

Im actually just putting this here to link to a different forum which is backward and cant allow easily uploaded pics

 

[Phil Pascoe]

Totaly agree with you Pete and the Morrissy replies belong in the Music History Thread we need laughts

No. That's the last place Morissey belongs.

 

[TRITON]

The cause for dinosaur extinction has now been confirmed. It was a meteorite.

 

[sploo]

I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life... I wondering now if it's the same ring I put on when I got married...

Engagement ring
Wedding ring
Suffer... ring

 

[user 38384]

 

[dzj]

View attachment 128136

 

[kinverkid]

I've just come back from the doctors. I went to see her about a pain in my elbow. She told me 'you'll have to stop 'playing with yourself'. I asked why? She said she's trying to examine me.

 

[Phil Pascoe]

^^^ one of Jethro's.

 

[Blackswanwood]

 

[llangatwgnedd]

 

[Noel]

View attachment 128152

See also Joe Lycett's version. Also Dominic Minghella.

And:

 

[Robbo3]

WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man, who'll make love to my mind.
He knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end.
And he'll always be my very best friend.

MAN'S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge ****s who owns a liquor store and a golf course.
I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a monkeys.

 

[Blackswanwood]