Joke Thread III

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A man walks in to a pub and asks

"Do you serve food?”

The landlord replies:

"Yes, we have six things on our food menu.

You can have a cheese sandwich.

Or a ham sandwich.

Our specialty is the cheese and ham sandwich.

Or you can have any of them toasted."


Happy 1000th post on thread.
 
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Ok..Why do you have to aim your gun 15cm above a Parisian's head if you want him dead ?
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Because his superiority complex is the hardest part of him to kill.
I was brought up speaking French and went to uni there - that's just background to what comes next :)

I lived for quite some time in an off-grid house on a mountain in the Pyrenees and my nearest neighbour, about a hour's trek away, was a local goat farmer cum cheese maker who had somehow ended up marrying a Parisienne. I'd come to know him quite well but we'd never talked about family and although he'd visited me in my mas several times I'd never been inside his house or met his wife. On one cheese-buying visit he invited me in for a coffee and to meet Madame. He duly introduced us and we greeted each other politely; it was clear from her accent where she was from and I'd obviously been in Catalan France longer than I thought because, while intending to remark that she was a Parisienne, I used the slang expression and without thinking added the usual local accompanying epithet, so heard myself say "Alors, une sale parigote!"

He burst out laughing but there was no way for me to get into Madame's good graces after that boo-boo. She divorced him not long afterwards and I always wondered if my gaffe, and his reaction, played a part in that.... 😲
 
Three men on a desert island beach stumble across a lamp and rub it, out pops the genie....
3 wishes, one each the genie says ..

The Scotsman says oh I do miss my family and I wish I was back with them.... Poof off he goes.

The English man says I do miss my mates down the pub with a beer, wish I was there now.... poof off the goes...

Irish man says it's awful lonely here now, I wish my mates were back here......!
 
:) you can also vocalise the ouille part in words as oo yee
One of the things which makes french hard to learn is the amount of words where part of what is written as a word has become silent when spoken.The Parisians make it worse again as they keep changing the way they say words in order to sound more "cool" ( or so they think ), then the rest ( who want to sound "cool as a Parisian" ) start adopting such mispronunciations, and it all goes to hell.
Currently the french have adopted "en fait" ( in fact ) as punctuation, so you hear ..
"en fait" some word "en fait" another word "en fait" some other word "en fait " "en fait" ad infinitum til they close their mouths.
Drives me bat carp crazy .

Even the well educated older ones have picked up this linguistic "tic".
Macron has started doing it, as have all the newscasters.The younger french also have decided to speak without opening their mouths more than a slit and to not move their lips, but to speak incredibly ( and incoherently ) fast .
which gives .."en fait" durr, someword "en fait" duuurrr "en fait" another word "en fait" duuuur "en fait" "en fait" but delivered at the speed of a Texan auctioneer with a speech impediment, or lock jaw.
The most recent linguistic casualty as a result of Parisian "cool speak" is "maintenant" ( normally pronounced as "man ten ont" which has now become ( Macron included ) "mat non"..and the number 20 ( vingt ) normally pronounced "van", which ( again Macron included ) has become "vat".
Spoken french is moving away from written french at an alarming rate, despite one of the "you must not fail" exams which is known as "le dicté" requiring students to listen to what is said to them and to transcribe it with as few errors as possible.The student begins with 20 points, and loses a quarter point for every transcription error. the problem being that what they now hear is getting further away from the written form of the words.Also, do they transcribe all the teacher's "en faits" , ( hopefully they already leave out of their transcriptions all the teacher's "duuuuurrrrs" ) or do they leave in all the "en faits" so as to be accurately transcribing what they are hearing. the problem is still worse for court of justice transcriptions, include all the "en faits", or just some of them, and who decides which "en faits" are in fact vital, and which are "tics".

My two favorite french language performers are / were Raymond Devos ( a Belgian ..now dead , I have dozens of hours of his comedy "sketches" on DVD ) and Fabrice Luccini ( alive ) both are an absolute delight to listen to ( Fabrice Luchini whenever he is being interviewed ), for the way that they "play" with the french language. I think ( but I'm not certain ) that Raymond once said that as the student begins "le dicté" with 20 points, the best way to preserve them, was to sit down, write their name and the date at the top of the paper, and then immediately insist on having to be escorted to the toilet due to an urgent feeling of the need to vomit.Even if they did not vomit, they could then ask to be excused from the exam due to illness.Their 20 points would be intact. :)

Yes, I can like see why that would like get to you, like.
How you'd like stop it, is like another question.
Let me like know if you like ever manage it....

;)
 
That's interesting!
Obviously I'm not 'correcting' you - as you actually live there! - but it just goes to show how I've forgotten even schoolboy French!
I passed my 'O Level' (without money changing hands!) and praised myself for doing so... However, years later I was in Paris with my beloved, and we wandered into a gift shop of sorts in order to buy some memento-or-other. My better half spotted a watch for sale, but wondered if they had the same but with a slightly different dial design (or something - I can't quite remember now)
Striding manfully to the shop assistant, I hit her with what I thought was perfect grammar, pronunciation and content. Ten minutes later, I don't know who was more confused.
We never did buy a watch....

To further my point, when I saw your "grenouille" statement above, I would've stabbed at "gron wee"...the rest I wasn't far off.
And that's why we didn't buy a watch!
I was working in Tokyo a couple of years back and went into the biggest department store to buy my wife a souvenir. I approached a middle aged female shop assistant and armed with an English to Japanese App on my phone asked if I could purchase a Kimono for my wife..... With a look of abject horror she ran off and bought back a very pretty, young assistant who spoke perfect English. I made my request but this time without the help of my iPhone. She was very polite (as all Japanese are) gave me a wry smile and asked if I'd used Google Translate. I confirmed that I had and she said "thought so"
God knows what I said to the other lady!
 
A man walks in to a pub and asks

"Do you serve food?”

The landlord replies:

"Yes, we have six things on our food menu.

You can have a cheese sandwich.

Or a ham sandwich.

Our specialty is the cheese and ham sandwich.

Or you can have any of them toasted."


Happy 1000th post on thread.
So the rabbit says I'll have one of each toasted. Starts eating and gets to the end of the 3rd sandwich, starts to choke violently and promptly drops dead. His spirit slowly leaves the body and floats up to the pearly gates where St. Peter is doing the entrance register. He asks the rabbit "Name?", "I'm just a rabbit". "what are you doing here?" "I must be dead?". "What did you die of?"....... "I'm not sure, but it could have been Mixing My Toasties"
 
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