Joke Thread III
- Thread starter Sachakins
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You're clearly not a fan of Pork and The Havana Ducks
Never heard of them but could quite easily be . Need to listen to a few more tracks.
stuart little
Established Member
Def. NOT me then!!!!
Day 96.
Dear Mum.
Im still locked in here. The physician visited me today.
The nurses changed my white smock and shaved my head, then re strapped me into the straight jacket, which is pointless because the walls are padded.
I have been diagnosed with Arithmophobi, brought on by all the whittling conversations about the shortest telephone numbers people had for their early phones on that joke thread.
But the good news is I'm being transferred to the gardening forum to take my mind off things.
All my love
Walter.
Dear Mum.
Im still locked in here. The physician visited me today.
The nurses changed my white smock and shaved my head, then re strapped me into the straight jacket, which is pointless because the walls are padded.
I have been diagnosed with Arithmophobi, brought on by all the whittling conversations about the shortest telephone numbers people had for their early phones on that joke thread.
But the good news is I'm being transferred to the gardening forum to take my mind off things.
All my love
Walter.
Phill05
Established Member
Day 96.
Dear Walter,
I am so sorry to hear of all the strange happenings down your way I hope this little ditty goes a long way to help get rid of those nasty thoughts and put a smile back on everyone's face.
All my love Mum.
Care was taken that no humans were hurt in the execution of the actions below.
Today's tip: Rufus describes how to Clean the Toilet ...
1. Get the master of the house to lift both the seat and lid of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one quick smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet bowl and close both lids, you may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from within the toilet, the cat will be thoroughly enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three maybe four times. This provides a "power-wash & rinse"
6. Have someone ready to open the door of your home. Make sure that there are no people standing between the bathroom and the open door.
7. Hide down behind the toilet as far as you can, then quickly lift both lids
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet , streak through the bathroom, and fly outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the toilet and the cat will now be sparkling clean, better known as Multi Tasking.
Sincerely,
Rufus the Dog
Phil Pascoe
Established Member
My grandmother had a huge long haired white cat. The village stream at the time ran red because of the tin works up stream, and the cat used to swim in it for rats and come in dyed pink. She would then get her arms cut to shreds bathing the cat in the sink and if the cat managed to get away it would bolt up the chimney. When it eventually came down it would be black and she'd bath it again.
stuart little
Established Member
I cooked a 'Beef Wellington' for dinner - but it turned out to be 'tough as old boots'!
Tried it did the three flushes but when I lifted the lid no cat ?
Like the new avatar
artie
Sawdust manufacturer.
A friend who is obsessed with old/antique items, drove over 100 miles yesterday with the intention of buying an old penny farthing bicycle.
But he didn't buy it, when I asked why he said, It wasn't worth tuppence.
But he didn't buy it, when I asked why he said, It wasn't worth tuppence.
Doug B
Shy Tot
xy mosian
Established Member
Sorry Izzy, my brain clearly does not work as quickly as yours. I certainly remember the track. Probably on Radio Luxemburg.
Still you've got it spot on, sometimes the local operator got it wrong.
Thanks geoff.
Doug B
Shy Tot
Phill05
Established Member
Jacob, a 76 year-old, went to the doctor to get a check-up. A few days later, the doctor saw Jacob walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
Two days later, the doctor saw Jacob again this time with two beautiful younger girls one on each arm and said, 'You're really doing great aren't you?'
Jacob replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'Jacob you need to get your hearing checked. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur, be careful."
Two days later, the doctor saw Jacob again this time with two beautiful younger girls one on each arm and said, 'You're really doing great aren't you?'
Jacob replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'Jacob you need to get your hearing checked. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur, be careful."
quintain
Established Member
leave his hearing alone ( and his heart murmur) he is successfully self medicating.
The_Yellow_Ardvark
Established Member
That hits a bit too close to home for my taste! Last summer I'd spent a busy day gardening in the sunshine and gone to bed rather tired. At my age, I seem to be a magnet for skin tags in various places and lying in bed I found myself - as one does - scratching the jolly old Family Jewels sack. I discovered that another damned skin tag had turned up there, but initially ignored it. For some reason, I decided to take a closer look at it a few minutes later, and it soon became clear that I had a new "blood brother" - a tick had taken up residence there....
I certainly won't be gardening in shorts any more!
Now that’s no jokeThat hits a bit too close to home for my taste! Last summer I'd spent a busy day gardening in the sunshine and gone to bed rather tired. At my age, I seem to be a magnet for skin tags in various places and lying in bed I found myself - as one does - scratching the jolly old Family Jewels sack. I discovered that another damned skin tag had turned up there, but initially ignored it. For some reason, I decided to take a closer look at it a few minutes later, and it soon became clear that I had a new "blood brother" - a tick had taken up residence there....
I certainly won't be gardening in shorts any more!
. My wife discovered an ‘intimate’ wart which was growing rapidly and itching. After a few days of concern she went to the doctors to discover it was a tick. She has also pledged never to wear shorts while gardening again- Status
