SamG340
Established Member
The joke is BMW drivers have a reputation for not using the turn signals, so the driver does not recognize the light on the dash.
It's not so funny when you have to explain it
Joke Thread II
- Thread starter JBaz
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It's not so funny when you have to explain it
Having been a BMW Owner & Driver for 40+ years I can tell you Mr Moderator (In Germany) it is not generally accepted by other drivers here that BMW drivers are any worse at said "not using indicators turn signals" that any other make of car driver.
SamG340
Established Member
artie
Sawdust manufacturer.
They usually can't park any less than 3 ft from the kerb either.
BTW, I had a BMW for a while, never again.
Flynnwood
Established Member
THE BAD DAY CURE - Anon (an oldie from the internet)
For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day and you just need to take it out on someone!!!
Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!!
I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a toss-er!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "toss-er," and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a toss-er!" It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the toss-er. Then one day I had an idea. I dialled his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a toss-er!"
The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial xxxx 823-4863. Keep reading, it gets better.!
CHAPTER 2
An old lady at the shopping centre really took her time pulling out of the parking pace. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black BMW came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I hit the horn and started yelling, "You can't do that. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his BMW completely ignoring me. He walked toward the shopping centre as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a toss-er, there sure are a lot of toss-ers in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.
A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just got off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're a toss-er!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black BMW lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy too. After a couple of rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 182 West street, London. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front." I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes,"
"Don, you're a toss-er!" And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialler. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two toss-ers to call.
Then, after several months of calling the toss-ers and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:
First, I had my phone dial toss-er number 1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello." I yelled "You're a toss-er!", but I didn't hang up. The toss-er said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No." He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
He said "Where do you live?"
"182 West Street, London. It's a yellow house and my black BMW's parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, toss-er!" and I hung up.
Then I called toss-er number 2. He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, toss-er!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your ass."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, toss-er!"
And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 182 West Street, London and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as I got home. I climbed into my car and headed over to West Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious!
Watching the two toss-ers kicking the crap out of each other before being arrested was one of the greatest experiences of my life!
Name withheld to protect the guilty.
For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day and you just need to take it out on someone!!!
Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!!
I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a toss-er!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "toss-er," and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a toss-er!" It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the toss-er. Then one day I had an idea. I dialled his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a toss-er!"
The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial xxxx 823-4863. Keep reading, it gets better.!
CHAPTER 2
An old lady at the shopping centre really took her time pulling out of the parking pace. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black BMW came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I hit the horn and started yelling, "You can't do that. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his BMW completely ignoring me. He walked toward the shopping centre as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a toss-er, there sure are a lot of toss-ers in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.
A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just got off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're a toss-er!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black BMW lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy too. After a couple of rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 182 West street, London. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front." I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes,"
"Don, you're a toss-er!" And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialler. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two toss-ers to call.
Then, after several months of calling the toss-ers and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:
First, I had my phone dial toss-er number 1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello." I yelled "You're a toss-er!", but I didn't hang up. The toss-er said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No." He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
He said "Where do you live?"
"182 West Street, London. It's a yellow house and my black BMW's parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, toss-er!" and I hung up.
Then I called toss-er number 2. He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, toss-er!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your ass."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, toss-er!"
And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 182 West Street, London and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as I got home. I climbed into my car and headed over to West Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious!
Watching the two toss-ers kicking the crap out of each other before being arrested was one of the greatest experiences of my life!
Name withheld to protect the guilty.
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Jameshow
Established Member
Just having a drink and a chat with a bloke over a pint in my local last night.
I discovered he was worth around £4 million and he told me the amazing story of how he got so rich.
Basically when he left school he had little or no formal qualifications but he was good with his hands and he knew how to sell.
He knew he was never going to make it in an office job so it was nose to the grindstone time.
He left school at 15 and bought an old series Land Rover and spent a few weeks fixing it up, he then sold it for profit. He then used the money to buy another and so on. He did this a lot over the next 35 years, buying, repairing, selling, buying again.
He eventually moved onto Defenders in the 90's and then onto Range Rovers in the last eight or nine years.
Even during the real bad times he plugged away. He worked long hours as you do in the Land Rover trade, sometimes not seeing his wife and kids for days in pursuit of his goal.
Then his uncle died and left him £4 million
I discovered he was worth around £4 million and he told me the amazing story of how he got so rich.
Basically when he left school he had little or no formal qualifications but he was good with his hands and he knew how to sell.
He knew he was never going to make it in an office job so it was nose to the grindstone time.
He left school at 15 and bought an old series Land Rover and spent a few weeks fixing it up, he then sold it for profit. He then used the money to buy another and so on. He did this a lot over the next 35 years, buying, repairing, selling, buying again.
He eventually moved onto Defenders in the 90's and then onto Range Rovers in the last eight or nine years.
Even during the real bad times he plugged away. He worked long hours as you do in the Land Rover trade, sometimes not seeing his wife and kids for days in pursuit of his goal.
Then his uncle died and left him £4 million
Phil Pascoe
Established Member
Paraphrasing Jethro from a couple of decades ago.
And only certain high end models are actually fitted with indicators!!The joke is BMW drivers have a reputation for not using the turn signals, so the driver does not recognize the light on the dash.
flying haggis
Established Member
SamG340
Established Member
Go on, what is the difference between a BMW and a Hedgehog ?
joethedrummer
Established Member
I chuckled,, inside or outside,,,,,
Recky33
Established Member
I’m not going to say who…. but a friend called me earlier and asked if I would loan her £1300 to help pay her rent. Those who know me, know that I’m always willing to help out friends & family. I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back, her brother called to let me know that she was lying and not to give her the money !!
He went on to say that the real reason she wanted the £1300 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so she could be under the same roof as him for his birthday
I thought about it for a minute and decided to give her the money because we all need help at times.
A couple of hours later I get a call from the police station. It was her - crying, screaming and asking why I gave her counterfeit money
My response…. so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday!
He went on to say that the real reason she wanted the £1300 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so she could be under the same roof as him for his birthday
I thought about it for a minute and decided to give her the money because we all need help at times.
A couple of hours later I get a call from the police station. It was her - crying, screaming and asking why I gave her counterfeit money
My response…. so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday!
Jameshow
Established Member
BBQ RULES:
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
Important again:
(
THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
Important again:
(
THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
Score out of 10 for comedy value 2THE BAD DAY CURE - Anon (an oldie from the internet)
For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day and you just need to take it out on someone!!!
Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!!
I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a toss-er!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "toss-er," and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a toss-er!" It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the toss-er. Then one day I had an idea. I dialled his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a toss-er!"
The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial xxxx 823-4863. Keep reading, it gets better.!
CHAPTER 2
An old lady at the shopping centre really took her time pulling out of the parking pace. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black BMW came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I hit the horn and started yelling, "You can't do that. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his BMW completely ignoring me. He walked toward the shopping centre as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a toss-er, there sure are a lot of toss-ers in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.
A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just got off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're a toss-er!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black BMW lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy too. After a couple of rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 182 West street, London. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front." I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes,"
"Don, you're a toss-er!" And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialler. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two toss-ers to call.
Then, after several months of calling the toss-ers and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:
First, I had my phone dial toss-er number 1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello." I yelled "You're a toss-er!", but I didn't hang up. The toss-er said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No." He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
He said "Where do you live?"
"182 West Street, London. It's a yellow house and my black BMW's parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, toss-er!" and I hung up.
Then I called toss-er number 2. He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, toss-er!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your ass."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, toss-er!"
And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 182 West Street, London and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as I got home. I climbed into my car and headed over to West Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious!
Watching the two toss-ers kicking the rubbish out of each other before being arrested was one of the greatest experiences of my life!
Name withheld to protect the guilty.
Robbo3
Established Member
You're correct - in most of Europe it's regarded as typical of people driving Mercedes, Porsche and Audi as well. It's unfair to pick on BMW drivers...
You're correct - in most of Europe it's regarded as typical of people driving Mercedes, Porsche and Audi as well. It's very unfair to pick on BMW drivers...
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