Joke Thread 5

[Amateur]

 

[Amateur]

Well I have - but under protest!
It's difficult to understand the attraction of trying to eat a likely suspect meal ladled onto a paper plate balanced precariously on the lap with a plastic fork and having to share the food with various sundry bugs that feel entitled to a piece of the action - and especially so when you know very well that there is a perfectly fine dining table inside as well as decent chairs, crockery and cutlery.

Sounds like your confused.
That was your child's fifth birthday party.
Did you have jelly and wear a silly hat as well?

 

[Doug B]

 

[Jaco]

WIFE; I have a bag full of used clothing I'd like to donate.
HUSBAND; Why not just throw them inn the Rubbish? That'd be much easier.
WIFE; But there are poor starving people out there who could really use all these clothes.
HUSBAND; Honey, anyone who can fit into your clothing is not starving.
The Husband is now recovering from a head injury.

My Wife texted me a selfie in a new dress and asked "Does this make my butt look big?"
I texted back "NOO!"
My damn phone autocorrected my response to "MOO!"
Please send help!!


If a tree falls on your ex in the woods,
and no one is around to hear it,
You should probably still get rid of the Chainsaw


Walmart is opening Dental Offices in some of its stores.
There will be an express lane for people with 12 teeth or less!

 

[Jaco]

Well I have - but under protest!
It's difficult to understand the attraction of trying to eat a likely suspect meal ladled onto a paper plate balanced precariously on the lap with a plastic fork and having to share the food with various sundry bugs that feel entitled to a piece of the action - and especially so when you know very well that there is a perfectly fine dining table inside as well as decent chairs, crockery and cutlery.

Not sure where in NZ you live, our friends dont have that problem

 

[The_Yellow_Ardvark]

 

[Jaco]

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business.She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Sarah's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.
Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells.

 

[kinverkid]

Despite setting up a business using my lathe, to make religious figures out of wood, I still
haven't managed to turn a prophet.

 

[Stan]

If a man speaks in a forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

 

[Doug B]

 

[Jaco]

Bob is on a train to work.
At the next station, Jim gets on and as he's about to sit down,
he takes out his wallet, shows Bob a photo of his wife.
He says, "Isn't she gorgeous?"
Bob replies, "You should see my wife?"
Jim replies "Is she stunning?"
"No, she's an Optometrist!!!!"

 

[The_Yellow_Ardvark]

 

[Amateur]