Joke Thread 5
- Thread starter Noel
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artie
Sawdust manufacturer.
Probably a slightly better option than a hippo
niemeyjt
Established Member
What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?
One's very heavy whilst the other is a little lighter.
The_Yellow_Ardvark
Established Member
Jameshow
Established Member
A tyre firm had depots in London Birmingham Bristol and Keighley !!!
treeturner123
Established Member
Not forgetting the Trotters Van - New York, Paris, Peckham!
Jaco
Established Member
Clean up your room
8yo: I feel like you're always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: Like if we don't clean up our room, a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: Well that's what happened to your older brother
8yo: What older brother?
Me: Exactly
8yo: I feel like you're always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: Like if we don't clean up our room, a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: Well that's what happened to your older brother
8yo: What older brother?
Me: Exactly
Tris
What am I doing here?
Wonder if it'll work on a teenager?
Will report back later
sploo
Somewhat extinguished member
The hippo is my spirit animal.
It doesn't actually eat people (mostly herbivore). In the "animal kingdom" it's rare that a creature will expend energy doing something that isn't critical to its survival (getting food, mating, defending territory etc). However, hippos are so unpleasant and grumpy that they'll go out of their way to kill you. Just because they want to.
I fully approve of that sort of obnoxious misanthropy.
When web developers don't think:
Im sick of all these political jokes being spoiled by non political jokes.
Ahhhh!
I see what youve done.
Smuggled a political joke through disguised as funny joke.
Surprised it wasn't picked up in customs, or did you just risk the green nothing to declare lane?
Very cunning Baldrick.
Jaco
Established Member
We started home schooling today. So far, two kids have been suspended for fighting, and a teacher has been sacked for drinking on the job.
Jaco
Established Member
It was a quiet day in September 2053....
It was a quiet Monday morning in September 2053 when John awoke with the need to go to the toilet.
To John this wasn’t just any ordinary day.
This was the day John would open the last roll of toilet paper his parents bought in the year 2020 ……
It was a quiet Monday morning in September 2053 when John awoke with the need to go to the toilet.
To John this wasn’t just any ordinary day.
This was the day John would open the last roll of toilet paper his parents bought in the year 2020 ……
Jaco
Established Member
CASHIER: "Would you like the milk in a bag, sir?"
Customer: "No, just leave it in the carton!’”
----------------------------------------------------
Paddy was inconsolable when his dog went missing.
His wife says, “Why not put an advertisement in the paper?”
Paddy does this but is very upset when he hasn’t heard anything after 2 weeks.
“What did you put in the paper?” asks his trusting wife.
“Here boy”, replies Paddy.
----------------------------------------------------
QUIPS FROM WILL ROGERS, a famous humourist, long dead…
Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need.
• If advertisers spent the same amount of money on improving their products as they do on advertising, then they wouldn't have to advertise them.
• Don't let yesterday use up too much of today.
• Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
• I have a scheme for stopping war. It's this…
No nation is allowed to enter a war until they have paid for the last one.
• I don't do jokes; I just watch the government and report the facts.
• It's easy being a humourist when you've got the whole government working for you.
• Liberty doesn't work as well in practice as it does in speeches.
• Live in such a way that you wouldn’t be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.
• Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.
• People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing.
• People's minds are changed through observation and not through argument.
----------------------------------------------------
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitating, he dictated, “...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.”
----------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, "Quick pour me twelve drinks."
So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back as fast as he could,
one after another.
The bartender says to the guy, "Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast."
The guys says, "Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I've got."
The bartender says, "What've you got?"
The guy says, "A dollar."
----------------------------------------------------
"Honestly must be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second best policy." -George Carlin
----------------------------------------------------
Jimmy: 'Hey, Mike! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.'
Mike: 'To tell the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.'
Jimmy: 'What? Let me get this straight... You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?'
Mike: 'Well, yeah. After all, you know, he's a parrot fish.'
Jimmy: 'Now listen, Mike, while you might be able to teach a parrot to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.'
Mike: 'That's what you think! It just so happens this fish CAN sing. The thing is, he's terribly off-key and it's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?'
----------------------------------------------------
Good friends are like stars... You don't always see them, but you know they are always there.
----------------------------------------------------
Murphy's Technology Law #8 -- A meeting is an event at which minutes are kept and hours are lost.
----------------------------------------------------
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."
----------------------------------------------------
Murphy's Technology Law #2 -- Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
----------------------------------------------------
"How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue, and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?"
----------------------------------------------------
I came home one night and my wife was crying.
I said, "What's wrong?"
She said, "I'm home sick."
I said, "This is your home."
And she said, "Yes, and I'm sick of it."
----------------------------------------------------
"One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people."
----------------------------------------------------
I was waiting on some customers at the shoe store where I
work when I was interrupted by a very determined woman.
Pointing to a sneaker made by Reebok, she asked, "Do you
have this in a Nike?"
----------------------------------------------------
Q: Where do you find giant snails?
A: On the ends of giant's fingers.
Q: What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?
A: The cold shoulder.
Q: What do you call it when a king goes to the bathroom?
A: A royal flush.
Customer: "No, just leave it in the carton!’”
----------------------------------------------------
Paddy was inconsolable when his dog went missing.
His wife says, “Why not put an advertisement in the paper?”
Paddy does this but is very upset when he hasn’t heard anything after 2 weeks.
“What did you put in the paper?” asks his trusting wife.
“Here boy”, replies Paddy.
----------------------------------------------------
QUIPS FROM WILL ROGERS, a famous humourist, long dead…
Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need.
• If advertisers spent the same amount of money on improving their products as they do on advertising, then they wouldn't have to advertise them.
• Don't let yesterday use up too much of today.
• Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
• I have a scheme for stopping war. It's this…
No nation is allowed to enter a war until they have paid for the last one.
• I don't do jokes; I just watch the government and report the facts.
• It's easy being a humourist when you've got the whole government working for you.
• Liberty doesn't work as well in practice as it does in speeches.
• Live in such a way that you wouldn’t be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.
• Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.
• People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing.
• People's minds are changed through observation and not through argument.
----------------------------------------------------
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitating, he dictated, “...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.”
----------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, "Quick pour me twelve drinks."
So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back as fast as he could,
one after another.
The bartender says to the guy, "Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast."
The guys says, "Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I've got."
The bartender says, "What've you got?"
The guy says, "A dollar."
----------------------------------------------------
"Honestly must be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second best policy." -George Carlin
----------------------------------------------------
Jimmy: 'Hey, Mike! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.'
Mike: 'To tell the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.'
Jimmy: 'What? Let me get this straight... You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?'
Mike: 'Well, yeah. After all, you know, he's a parrot fish.'
Jimmy: 'Now listen, Mike, while you might be able to teach a parrot to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.'
Mike: 'That's what you think! It just so happens this fish CAN sing. The thing is, he's terribly off-key and it's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?'
----------------------------------------------------
Good friends are like stars... You don't always see them, but you know they are always there.
----------------------------------------------------
Murphy's Technology Law #8 -- A meeting is an event at which minutes are kept and hours are lost.
----------------------------------------------------
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."
----------------------------------------------------
Murphy's Technology Law #2 -- Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
----------------------------------------------------
"How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue, and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?"
----------------------------------------------------
I came home one night and my wife was crying.
I said, "What's wrong?"
She said, "I'm home sick."
I said, "This is your home."
And she said, "Yes, and I'm sick of it."
----------------------------------------------------
"One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people."
----------------------------------------------------
I was waiting on some customers at the shoe store where I
work when I was interrupted by a very determined woman.
Pointing to a sneaker made by Reebok, she asked, "Do you
have this in a Nike?"
----------------------------------------------------
Q: Where do you find giant snails?
A: On the ends of giant's fingers.
Q: What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?
A: The cold shoulder.
Q: What do you call it when a king goes to the bathroom?
A: A royal flush.
Puggers
Established Member
The_Yellow_Ardvark
Established Member
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