Joke Thread 5

[ey_tony]

 

[Jaco]

A young Digger in his new uniform walks into a seedy pub in Townsville. He sits at the bar and notices a grizzled old soldier with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili con carne.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young Digger bravely asks the old soldier 'If you aren't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'
The old veteran slowly turns his head toward the young pup and says, 'Nah, you go ahead.'

Eagerly, the young digger reaches over and slides the bowl into his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom of the bowl and notices a dead mouse in the chilli. The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfed up the chili back into the bowl.

The old soldier quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.'

 

[Stan]

Why can't a steam locomotive sit down?

Because it has got a tender behind.

 

[dzj]

 

[Doug B]

 

[Jaco]

A bloke goes to the doctor's and asks to see someone about a problem with his manhood. The doctor is busy so he is ushered in to the practice nurse.

He's reluctant to strip down in font of her as he says he thinks she will laugh, but she assures him that she has been a nurse for more than 20 years and will view his problem dispassionately.

So the bloke drops his gear revealing something the size of a AA battery and the nurse falls about in hysterics. The chap's very angry but the nurse pulls herself together, wipes her eyes apologizing profusely and asks what the problem is.

"Problem!?" the bloke explodes. "Call yourself a health professional? Can't you see how swollen it is!?"

 

[Jaco]

Real court cases in America

1. Heir Jordan Allen Heckard of Portland, Oregon bears a striking resemblance to Michael Jordan, and he is not happy about it. Tired of constantly being mistaken for a superstar athlete, Mr Heckard sued Jordan and (for some reason) Nike founder Phil Knight for $832 million in 2006. The case was withdrawn when Heckard was unable to provide a reasonable explanation for the amount that he was suing for.

2. The kids and the kidney In Long Island, New York, a man sued his ex-wife for the return of his kidney, which he had donated to her while they were still married. When their marriage ended bitterly, he demanded either his kidney back or compensation of $1.5 million. The court rejected his claim, citing the legal principle that human organs cannot be considered property in a divorce settlement.

3. Beer goggles In 1991, Richard Overton filed a lawsuit against Anheuser-Busch, the maker of Bud Light, for $10,000, claiming to have suffered emotional distress, mental injury and financial loss. Overton alleged that the company’s advertising campaign, which featured beautiful women, falsely promised him that he would attract such women if he drank their beer. The Michigan Court of Appeals dismissed Overton’s case.

4. Taxes are evil In 2011, a man in Tennessee quit his job after his W-2 tax form had the number “666” printed on it. He believed the number was a mark of the devil and sued the company for constructive dismissal. Surprisingly, he won his case in court and the jury awarded him $150,000 in damages.

5. The devil's advocate And speaking of the devil himself - in 1971, a man named Gerald Mayo sued Satan and his minions for causing him distress and challenging his life. The US District Court in Pennsylvania actually considered this unique case before ultimately dismissing it. The reason? The court stated that Satan, being a foreign prince, could not be served a lawsuit without an address.

 

[Yorkieguy]

 

[Yorkieguy]

 

[Yorkieguy]

 

[Yorkieguy]

 

[Yorkieguy]

 

[Yorkieguy]

 

[Yorkieguy]

 

[Yorkieguy]

 

[Yorkieguy]

 

[Yorkieguy]

 

[flying haggis]

Real court cases in America

1. Heir Jordan Allen Heckard of Portland, Oregon bears a striking resemblance to Michael Jordan, and he is not happy about it. Tired of constantly being mistaken for a superstar athlete, Mr Heckard sued Jordan and (for some reason) Nike founder Phil Knight for $832 million in 2006. The case was withdrawn when Heckard was unable to provide a reasonable explanation for the amount that he was suing for.

2. The kids and the kidney In Long Island, New York, a man sued his ex-wife for the return of his kidney, which he had donated to her while they were still married. When their marriage ended bitterly, he demanded either his kidney back or compensation of $1.5 million. The court rejected his claim, citing the legal principle that human organs cannot be considered property in a divorce settlement.

3. Beer goggles In 1991, Richard Overton filed a lawsuit against Anheuser-Busch, the maker of Bud Light, for $10,000, claiming to have suffered emotional distress, mental injury and financial loss. Overton alleged that the company’s advertising campaign, which featured beautiful women, falsely promised him that he would attract such women if he drank their beer. The Michigan Court of Appeals dismissed Overton’s case.

4. Taxes are evil In 2011, a man in Tennessee quit his job after his W-2 tax form had the number “666” printed on it. He believed the number was a mark of the devil and sued the company for constructive dismissal. Surprisingly, he won his case in court and the jury awarded him $150,000 in damages.

5. The devil's advocate And speaking of the devil himself - in 1971, a man named Gerald Mayo sued Satan and his minions for causing him distress and challenging his life. The US District Court in Pennsylvania actually considered this unique case before ultimately dismissing it. The reason? The court stated that Satan, being a foreign prince, could not be served a lawsuit without an address.

Re no4 if i was the judge I would have awarded $666 in damages