Joke Thread 5
- Thread starter Noel
- Start date
Help Support UKworkshop.co.uk:
Yorkieguy
Established Member
Yorkieguy
Established Member
stuart little
Established Member
No comment!
A man is playing golf as a guest for the first time on a course when a really beautiful young woman runs past stark naked into the trees. His friend appears to take little notice, so he politely continues the game.
A few moments later two men in white coats run past in the same direction. He carries on with play, but when a third runs past, panting under the weight of two sand-filled fire buckets he asks what is going on.
"Oh! The club borders the grounds of an asylum, the young lady frequently runs away, those were staff pursuing her...."
"And, and the chap with the fire buckets? "
"Simple, he caught her last week, they're his handicap! "
A few moments later two men in white coats run past in the same direction. He carries on with play, but when a third runs past, panting under the weight of two sand-filled fire buckets he asks what is going on.
"Oh! The club borders the grounds of an asylum, the young lady frequently runs away, those were staff pursuing her...."
"And, and the chap with the fire buckets? "
"Simple, he caught her last week, they're his handicap! "
The_Yellow_Ardvark
Established Member
You are not under arrest.
Doug B
Shy Tot
I don't usually do blonde jokes but, I like this one:
Blonde goes to the Dr and says "I don't know what's wrong with me Doc, everything seems to hurt?
The Doc says "what do you mean?"
Blonde touches her forehead "ouch" touches her shoulder "ouch" touches her elbow "ouch" touches her knee "ouch" etc etc
The Doc says "um yeah... you've broken your finger!
Blonde goes to the Dr and says "I don't know what's wrong with me Doc, everything seems to hurt?
The Doc says "what do you mean?"
Blonde touches her forehead "ouch" touches her shoulder "ouch" touches her elbow "ouch" touches her knee "ouch" etc etc
The Doc says "um yeah... you've broken your finger!
John Brown
Freeloading Social media influenza
How dare you! I happen to be a blonde!
A woman goes to the doctor to explain that she seems to f@rt an awful lot, and although '..they don't smell, and they are totally silent...' she'd like him to make sure it's nothing serious.
After the examination he gives her a prescription and tells her to return in a fortnight.
On her return she tells him the tablets he prescribed haven't cured her wind, but whilst they remain silent, they now smell terrible!
"Good!" he exclaims. "That seems to have fixed your sinuses, now let's see what we can do about your hearing..."
After the examination he gives her a prescription and tells her to return in a fortnight.
On her return she tells him the tablets he prescribed haven't cured her wind, but whilst they remain silent, they now smell terrible!
"Good!" he exclaims. "That seems to have fixed your sinuses, now let's see what we can do about your hearing..."
We did the same using the nitrate fertilizer/caster sugar mix. But due to nitrate fertilizer being used in many IRA bombs, the UK government banned the stuff.
I did experiment briefly using the contents of nailgun cartridges(this was 40 years ago) but being a teen and not really thinking that one through I decided to find a quicker way of opening the cartridges from the method i used- pliers, to cutting them in half with a mini hacksaw.
Needless to say lesson was learned when one exploded in my face and knocked me off my chair.
I think the incident which ended the craze of nitrate/sugar in my area was someone filled a tin can with the stuff. Packed it in, then attempted to drive a nail in to make a hole for a fuse.
The resulting explosion took the guys hand and arm off to the elbow.
Doug B
Shy Tot
Jaco
Established Member
Jewish Samurai
There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.
A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.
The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half.
The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a
matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces.
The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"
Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.
The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?"
The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."
There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.
A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.
The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half.
The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a
matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces.
The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"
Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.
The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?"
The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."
Ian_B
Established Member
stuart little
Established Member
I give up
?SammyQ
Established Member
The Wizard of Oz? Tin Man?I give up
Phil Pascoe
Established Member
Seeing Rowan Atkinson on another thread reminded me of this -
stuart little
Established Member
Yes, I see that, but what is supposed to be going on??The Wizard of Oz? Tin Man?
Similar threads
