Joke Thread 5

[The_Yellow_Ardvark]

 

[Doug B]

 

[Yorkieguy]

 

[Yorkieguy]

 

[Yorkieguy]

 

[Yorkieguy]

 

[Yorkieguy]

 

[Yorkieguy]

 

[Tris]

I've been banned from carol singing at the local psychiatric unit. Apparently 'Do you hear what I hear' is not a good choice

 

[Robbo3]

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. Reflexively, he reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies ....

You just happened to catch my eye.

 

[Jaco]

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly.
She says, “What's the story?”
He replies, “Just crap in the carburetor.”
She asks, “How often do I have to do that?”


SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her driver’s license.
She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together!
Just yesterday they took my license away and now today you expect me to show it to you?”


AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body
hurt wherever she touched it.
“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,
she pushed her elbow and screamed even more.
She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, “You're not really a redhead, are you?”
“Well, no,” she said, “I'm actually a blonde.”
“I thought so,” the doctor said, “Your finger is broken.”


KNITTING
A Highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window,
turned on his bullhorn and yelled, “PULL OVER!”
“NO!” the blonde yelled back, “IT'S A SCARF!”


BLONDE ON TIME
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named “Rolex” and one was named “Timex”.
Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”
“Helllooooo...! ,” answered the blonde. “They're watch dogs.”


FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
In the swim-meet, after the blond came in last competing in the breast-stroke,
she complained to the judges that all the other girls were using their arms.

 

[Jaco]

 

[Hugh M.]

 

[Amateur]

I noticed someone following me.
I quickened my pace but he was still there a couple of metres behind.
I broke into a jog passing the bus station then turned quickly left then right and straight into the park.
He was still there. I increased my speed running round the duck pond past the band stand untill I collapsed exhausted on the grass.
" What do you want?" I yelled at him as he approached.
I was shaking with fear.
He hovers over me, breathing hard.
Lowers his arm and extends his hand then middle finger tapping me on the forehead.
Tig. Your on.
And you cant tig your own butcher.

Kids joke before phones, game machines and they all played outside with friends.

 

[bushwhaker]

 

[bushwhaker]

2020 started that way

 

[woodieallen]

I've just learned that Kia are bringing out a new electric car, cheap and nasty but with a maximum lifetime of 4 years however predictions are that it will break down and fail long before that.

They've called it the (Kier) Starmer.

 

[dzj]

 

[Robbo3]

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove down town to confront the chemist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the chemist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys."

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire." "When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of coins against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer."

"And believe me, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

 

[Jaco]

In the hospital, where their family member lay gravely ill, the relatives gathered in the waiting room.


Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.


'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces.


'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.


It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.


Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.'


The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, 'Well, how much does a brain cost?'


The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain.'


The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.


A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,


'Why is the male brain so much more?'


The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used.'