Joke Thread 5

[Yorkieguy]

 

[Yorkieguy]

 

[Yorkieguy]

 

[Yorkieguy]

 

[Ian_B]

 

[Cozzer]

Did you hear about the French Cheese factory that burned down?


All that was left was de brie!


Why does a Frenchman only have 1 egg for brekky?


'cos one egg is un ouef!


That's all ffolks!

Steady man, steady....

Your nurse'll be along in a minute...

 

[dzj]

 

[Cozzer]

View attachment 187188

Don't talk to me about Scrabble!

My Labrador managed to eat about twenty tiles this morning, so we had to rush him down to the vet's...


Here we are, five hours later, and there's still no word.

 

[Cozzer]

The two astronauts stuck in the space station until next year?
The bloke was desperate for a coffee, but complained that he couldn't find the milk.
His colleague replied "In space, no one can. Here.....use cream...."

 

[Cozzer]

Remember the story from a good few years ago, when scientists managed to "grow" an ear on a live mouse?

Well, amazingly they've now managed to grow human vocal cords.

They say that the results speak for themselves....

 

[Cozzer]

I was chatting to Wolfgang - my friend from Frankfurt - and asked him if he knew what 3 multiplied by 3 was.





Apparently he doesn't....

 

[Cozzer]

Did you know that there are no canaries in the Canary Isles?
The same is true of the Virgin Isles.....





There are no canaries there either.

 

[SeeO2]

Remember the story from a good few years ago, when scientists managed to "grow" an ear on a live mouse?

Well, amazingly they've now managed to grow human vocal cords.

They say that the results speak for themselves....

I heard of a bloke who lost an ear in an accident and the surgeon grafted on a pigs ear temporarily to keep the arteries and nerves functioning while an artificial one was being made. He was asked if he could hear anything through the pigs ear, he said he could but it was a bit crackling.

 

[Jaco]

A young railway signalman on a remote Scottish Highland branch line decides he's fed up and wants to move to a better position on a main line so he applies for promotion and transfer.
An examiner from the railway company comes to test his skills. "Right", says the examiner. "Here's the scenario. Two trains are heading towards each other on the same track. What do you do?"
The young signalman points to a switch lever and says, "First I'd signal the down train to slow and then throw that lever to move it on to the branch line."
"The lever is frozen solid and you can't move it," says the examiner. "What do you do now?"
"I'd run down along the track to the manual lever and throw the switch to divert the down train."
"The manual lever has been struck by lightning and is locked tight. What now?" asks the examiner.
"I'd run back to the signal box and hit the emergency stop signal and bring both trains to a halt."
"The signal box is on fire," says the examiner. "You can't get in to press the emergency stop. What now?"
"I'd run to the village and fetch my Uncle Archie," says the signalman.
"Your Uncle Archie?" asks the examiner. "Why him?"
"He's never seen a train crash before," says the youngster.

 

[Jaco]

A fifteen-year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, “Where did you get that car?”
He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”
“With what money!?” demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.”
“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”
The parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?” they asked.
“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. “Don’t know her name — they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my goodness!” moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”
So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she has sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
“Well,” she said, "I thought my husband was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn’t intend to come back. This morning I got a phone call from my husband he claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”..................

 

[stuart little]

View attachment 187187

This def. deserves one of these;

 

[Amateur]

Did you hear about the French Cheese factory that burned down?


All that was left was de brie!


Why does a Frenchman only have 1 egg for brekky?


'cos one egg is un ouef!


That's all ffolks!

Thank God Christmas crackers are only once a year.

 

[stuart little]

Thank God Christmas crackers are only once a year.

Yeah! I got mine early!

 

[Phil Pascoe]

A fifteen-year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, “Where did you get that car?”
He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”
“With what money!?” demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.”
“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”
The parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?” they asked.
“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. “Don’t know her name — they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my goodness!” moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”
So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she has sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
“Well,” she said, "I thought my husband was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn’t intend to come back. This morning I got a phone call from my husband he claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”..................

My sister's boyfriend's brother actually did that about 50 years ago. He used to get up at stupid o'clock to go shooting and got the local rag early. He saw a nice car for silly money in the small ads, phoned the woman and got it.

 

[Yorkieguy]

This def. deserves one of these;

Ever anxious to please, but if a post in this thread needs explaining, it's as well to just pass on it.

Thanks for looking and taking the trouble to ask.

Adele is a singer.
A Dell is a computer.

It's trivia - not meant to be side-splitting.

They're just 'homophones' - words that sound the same but have different meanings or spellings. The word "homophone" comes from the Greek word 'phonos', which means "sounding". (Homographs on the other hand are spelled the same, but are differ in meaning or pronunciation. (EG: 'He wound the bandage around the wound’. The bow of a ship, a bow in ribbon, a bow and arrow).