Joke Thread 4 (closed).

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HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY

1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car w/sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3) Insist that your e mail address is:
[email protected]
[email protected].

4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."

7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has got over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

9) In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors.'

10) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

11) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

13) Dont use any punctuation.

14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

15) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

16) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

17) Sing along at the opera.

18) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

19) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.Wearthem one day after your boss does. (This is
especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender.)

20) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the
bathroom,in Stall #3."

21) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

22) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their
party because you're not in the mood.

23) Call 000 and ask if 000 is for emergencies.

24) Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything.

25) Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.

26) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "3rd time this week!!!"

27) When leaving the office, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

28) Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, it's the voices in your head that do."

29) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

30) Every time you see a broom, yell "Honey, your mother is here!"
 
6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
Years ago a colleague had a desk with 2 drawers, one above the other. Below the drawers was his waste bin. He labelled them from top to bottom as "Too boring", "Too difficult" and "Too late".
 
May be an image of body of water
 
HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY

1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car w/sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3) Insist that your e mail address is:
[email protected]
[email protected].

4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."

7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has got over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

9) In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors.'

10) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

11) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

13) Dont use any punctuation.

14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

15) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

16) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

17) Sing along at the opera.

18) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

19) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.Wearthem one day after your boss does. (This is
especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender.)

20) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the
bathroom,in Stall #3."

21) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

22) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their
party because you're not in the mood.

23) Call 000 and ask if 000 is for emergencies.

24) Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything.

25) Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.

26) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "3rd time this week!!!"

27) When leaving the office, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

28) Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, it's the voices in your head that do."

29) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

30) Every time you see a broom, yell "Honey, your mother is here!"
First one's the best!
 
Alpaca who?
Knock-knock
Who's there?
Alpaca.
Alpaca who?
Alpaca the suitcase, you load up the car!

Mustache who?
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Mustache.
Mustache who?
I mustache you a question, but I'll shave it for later.

Orange who?
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad we're telling jokes?

Adorable who?
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Adorable.
Adorable who?
A-door-bell don't work, that's why I knocked!

Owls who?
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Owls.
Owls who?
They sure do!

Tank tank?
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Tank.
Tank who?
You're welcome!

Luke who?
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke through the peephole and find out.

A broken pencil who?
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
A broken pencil.
A broken pencil who?
Never mind, it's pointless.

Tat who?
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Tat.
Tat who?
No thanks, I'm afraid of needles.

Spell who?
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Spell.
Spell who?
W-h-o.

Candice who?
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Candice.
Candice who?
Candice joke get any worse?

Kanga who?
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Kanga.
Kanga who?
Actually, it's kangaroo.

Figs who?
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Figs.
Figs who?
Figs the doorbell, it's broken.

Simon who?
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Simon.
Figs who?
It’s Garfunkel to do with you.



Doors open.
My bags are packed and I'm ready to go ......................
 
Maybe your son soaks up the water better! :unsure: 😸
Mine soaks up my beer quite well
Alpaca who?
Knock-knock
Who's there?
Alpaca.
Alpaca who?
Alpaca the suitcase, you load up the car!

Mustache who?
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Mustache.
Mustache who?
I mustache you a question, but I'll shave it for later.

Orange who?
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad we're telling jokes?

Adorable who?
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Adorable.
Adorable who?
A-door-bell don't work, that's why I knocked!

Owls who?
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Owls.
Owls who?
They sure do!

Tank tank?
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Tank.
Tank who?
You're welcome!

Luke who?
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke through the peephole and find out.

A broken pencil who?
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
A broken pencil.
A broken pencil who?
Never mind, it's pointless.

Tat who?
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Tat.
Tat who?
No thanks, I'm afraid of needles.

Spell who?
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Spell.
Spell who?
W-h-o.

Candice who?
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Candice.
Candice who?
Candice joke get any worse?

Kanga who?
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Kanga.
Kanga who?
Actually, it's kangaroo.

Figs who?
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Figs.
Figs who?
Figs the doorbell, it's broken.

Simon who?
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Simon.
Figs who?
It’s Garfunkel to do with you.



Doors open.
My bags are packed and I'm ready to go ......................
And then there were all those books

Rusty bed Springs

by I P Nightly
--------
The Cats Revenge

by Claude Balls
---------
Swimming the Channel

by Eileen Dover
---------

etc.etc.
 
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