Jokes

[Saintsman]

A cat lover was walking past a pet shop one day and saw a cat advertised as an 'Amsterdam' cat.

"Strange", he thought, "I've heard of Siamese and Bengal but never Amsterdam. Seeking more information, he went into the shop and asked the owner:

"How Dutch is that moggie in the window?"

 

[Calpol]

Customer: "is this bug spray good for wasps?"
Shopkeeper: "no, it kills them"

 

[mickster]

A young man was walking along the High Street, where upon he passed a horologist's store.

Through the front window, he noticed an exceptionally attractive blonde behind the sales desk and felt compelled to meet her acquaintance.

He turned back, entered the door, approached the desk and placed his manhood on the counter-top.

Following the initial shock, the saleswoman gathered her thoughts and exclaimed "Sir, you do know that this is a clock & watch-maker's shop, don't you?"

To which the young man replied...

"Yes, and I would like two hands & a face on this, as soon as possible please."

 

[herdsman]

A guy came down stairs in the morning to find his wife preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.He walked in; She turned and said, You've got to make love to me this very moment.'His eyes lit up and he thought, 'This is my lucky day.'Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all;Right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said,'Thanks,'and returned to the stove. Exhausted and dressing himself the man paused, he asked,'What was that all about?'She explained,'The egg timer's broken.'

 

[cumbrian]

A Bristol senior citizen drove his brand new BMW convertible out of the car showroom. Heading off down the M4, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the Motorway, enjoying pressing the accelerator even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren wailing.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 110mph, then 120, then 130mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm going away for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman"

 

[mickster]

In between performances at the theatre, the usher walks down the aisles and checks that nobody is trying to get another show for free. When she reaches row H6, she notices a man sprawled across three seats. She tells the man to leave, but he just mumbles and stays put, so she goes to get the manager.

"Sir," says the manager, "if you don't move I'm going to call the police!"

The man mumbles again and stays put. The police are called.

"Excuse me Sir," asks the police officer, "what's your name?"

"Dave." whispers the man.

"And where are you from Dave?" asks the police officer.

Dave replies "The balcony"

 

[mickster]

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard the front door being opened by her husband.

"Quickly," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over her lover, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move, just pretend you're a statue." she instructed.

"What's this Honey?" the husband asked as he walked into the bedroom.

"Oh Darling, it's a new statue, the Smiths got one for their bedroom the other week." replied the wife.



Nothing more on the subject was said, even when they retired for the night.

Around 3AM the husband got out of bed leaving his wife sleeping soundly, went to the kitchen, then returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like a fool for 3 days at the Smiths and nobody offered me so much as a sip of water!"

 

[mickster]

A young man goes into a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. The waiter brings it to him and just as he's ready to enjoy his meal, the Maitre D' comes running over and says:

"I'm terribly sorry Sir, but I'm afraid there has been a big mistake with your meal. You see that Police Officer stting three tables to your left? He's a regular customer of ours and orders the same dish each time he comes. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house, so I'm going to have to take it for him and arrange for you to have something different from the menu."

The young man, however, declines this proposal and refuses to give up his meal, so the Maitre D' walks over to the Police Officer and explains the situation.

The Police Officer walks up to the young man's table and says:

"Now sonny, listen and listen good! THAT IS MY CHICKEN YOU ARE ABOUT TO EAT. I WARN YOU THAT WHATEVER YOU DO TO THAT CHICKEN, I'LL DO THE SAME TO YOU. YOU BREAK OFF A WING, I'LL BREAK OFF YOUR ARM. YOU PULL OFF A LEG AND I'LL PULL OFF ONE OF YOURS. DO....YOU....UNDERSTAND....ME??"

The young man looks calmly at the Police Officer, then at the chicken. He smiles at the Police officer, sticks his finger into the chicken's backside, pulls it out and licks it........

 

[Javier]

I once met this tall native american who would stand at the corner
of my street. Everytime a gorgeous lady would pass by he would raise his hand and say
in his deep, stoic voice, "chance". I watched him all day. A gorgeous, blond, brunette,
red head,etc you name it would walk by him and he'd simply say "chance". I finally got the courage
to ask him why instead of saying "How" he would say "chance". He turned to me and
said, "Me know how, me just want chance." hehehehe you get it?

 

[RogerM]

Bill and Fred are keen golfers, both aged over 90. One day Bill complains to Fred

" I can hit the ball fine, but with my eyesight I can't see where it has gone. Can you watch to see where it goes?"

So Bill addresses the ball and drives it nicely down the fairway. "Did you see where it went?" he asked Fred.

"Yep - certainly did" said Fred.

"Ummm - so where is it?" said Bill

Fred pauses - "Errr - I can't remember!"

 

[Pip]

Supposedly an actual letter
Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Leith police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or ouji board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street which is just off Commercial Street in Leith. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on its side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this. after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain sir, your obedient servant

?????????




Mr ??????,

I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards

PC ???
?????????????
Community Beat Officer



Dear PC ?????

First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Leith Police station and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own community beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills. In the five or so years I have lived in West Cromwell Street, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Leith such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these ***** that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere. The pitch behind the Citadel or the one at DKs are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Albert Dock.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on ??? ????. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Compass Bar.

Regards

???????

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department
********************************************************

 

[Pip]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"


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After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

 

[mickster]

To continue RogerM's golfing joke theme:

Two best friends of about equal handicap, decide to play a round of golf to see who is the better player.

They agree that they must play the ball as it lies.

They play the front nine even and on the 10th, the first player hits a good drive down the fairway and the second hits his in the woods.

As they pull up to the ball in the woods, they find it sitting on the cart path.

"I get a drop, right?" asks the unfortunate player.

His friend then reminds him as he gets out to go to his ball that they agreed to play the ball as it lies.

As he gets to the green, he looks back and sees a shower of sparks come from the woods and the ball ends up just inches from the hole.

As the second guy gets to the green his friend says, "Nice shot, what did you hit it with?"

The second man says, "Your 6-iron."

 

[brianhabby]

A visitor to a mental institution asked the director how he decided which patients should be kept in. The director said: "We fill up a bath, then offer the patient a teaspoon, teacup or a bucket and ask them to empty the bathtub." The visitor said "Oh, I see, a normal person would choose the bucket, because it's the biggest."

The director said "No, a normal person would pull the plug out. Would you like a bed near the window?"

 

[Pip]

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smouldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was ploughing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor.
"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly.
"Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?"
"Yep. Sure do."
"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.
"Nope. They all died straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."
"George Bush, The President of the United States is dead?" The agent gulped in disbelief.
"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept saying he wasn't... but you know what a liar he is".

 

[woodshavings]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the

pearly gates.

"In honour of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each

possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.

He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.

He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and

finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked.

Just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

 

[mickster]

Paddy and Murphy were in a two seater bi-plane, Paddy in the front seat & Murphy in the rear.

They had been flying for a while when Murphy tapped Paddy on the shoulder.

Paddy turned around and Murphy shouted "IF THE PLANE TURNS UPSIDE-DOWN, WILL WE FALL OUT?"

Paddy shouted back "I WOULDN'T THINK SO, WE'VE BEEN MATES FOR YEARS!"






Paddy had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night, celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy."

Paddy replies, "Ok Mick, I'll be on my way then."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off.

He falls flat on his face.

"Sh*t" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face.

"Sh*t!" He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.

He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face again.

"Bi'Jesus... I'm ferkin' ferked," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No ferkin' way", but he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed."

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Ferk it" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".

Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was ferkin' p****d. But how'd you know?"

"Mick phoned... You left your wheelchair at the pub!"

 

[llangatwgnedd]

Recent reports indicate the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of improving. If anything, it's getting worse, following last week's news that the Origami Bank had folded, it was learned today that the Sumo bank had gone belly-up. Bonsai Bank plans to cut some of its branches, and the Karaoke Bank is up for sale, and going for a song. Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived, and 500 jobs at Karate Bank will be chopped. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

 

[Woodmagnet]

All of these jokes are great, thanks for the laugh everyone. :lol:

 

[Pip]

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1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"



2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."



3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."



4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."



5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"



6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."



7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!



8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after getting a 69 yesterday."



9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this." c



10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."



11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."



12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."