Jokes

[Derek Willis.]

I thought this one very appropriate.
Derek.

Subject: FW: Oh Prime Minister








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Gordon Brown was visiting a primary school in North Yorkshire where he
looked in on one of the classes.

They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their
meanings.

The teacher asked Mr. Brown if he would like to lead the discussion on
the word 'tragedy'.

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a
'tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a
farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him,
that would be a 'tragedy.'

No,' said Brown........' that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children
drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a
Tragedy'

'I'm afraid not,' explained Mr. Brown ' that's what we would call a great
loss'

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Gordon Brown
searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of
a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand.

In a quiet voice he said: 'If a plane carrying you and Mr. Darling was
struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would
be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Brown. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that
would be tragedy?'



'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it
certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f......g
accident either!'



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[filsgreen]

Fact: 79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right now.

Fact: 58,000,000 are kissing.

Fact: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex ...

Fact: 1 lonely bugger is reading emails....



.

.

.



You hang in there sunshine ...

 

[Digit]

:lol: :lol:

Roy.

 

[woodbloke]

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole looking up.

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.
Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the fook'n height of this flagpole, but we don't have a fook'n ladder.'
The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.

Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! WeNeed the fook'n height and she gives us the fook'n length

 

[Travis]

IRISH HUMOR



An armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland
and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door with the loot one brave Irish
customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the
robber's face.

The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation!
He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.

One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the
robber walks over and calmly shoots him in the head also.

Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

"Did anyone else see my face?" calls the robber.




There is a few moments of silence then one elderly Irish
gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says,


"I think me wife may have caught a glimpse."

 

[Doug B]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[brianhabby]

Bloke studying his marriage certificate in great detail.

His wife said "What are you looking for?"

"I'm looking for the b****y expiry date" was his reply

:lol: :lol:

regards

Brian

 

[Woodmagnet]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[woodshavings]

The train was packed, and the U. S. Marine Walked the entire length looking
for a seat, but a well-dressed, Middle-aged, French woman's poodle took the
only seat remaining. The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that
seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, 'Americans
are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under
that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little Dog,
tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in
his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to
have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong
hand, you drive your vehicles on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir,
you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.'

 

[christoph clark]

Had a slight bump in my car today, i got out of my car, when the other bloke got out he was a dwarf, he said "I`M NOT HAPPY", i said which one are you then!


:lol: :lol:

 

[christoph clark]

A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.
They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland .
Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.
Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.
Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.

Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,

Chris

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

 

[christoph clark]

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the Race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for £10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR £10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.



The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery, even shorten your life.

Be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

 

[RogerM]

A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!!
1.
Don't change horses
until they stop running.
2.
Strike while the
bug is close.
3.
It's always darkest before
Daylight Saving Time.
4.
Never underestimate the power of
termites.
5.
You can lead a horse to water but
How?
6.
Don't bite the hand that
looks dirty.
7.
No news is
impossible

8.
A miss is as good as a
Mr.
9.
You can't teach an old dog new
Math
10.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll
stink in the morning.

11.
Love all, trust
Me.

12.
The pen is mightier than the
pigs.
13.
An idle mind is
the best way to relax.

14.
Where there's smoke there's
pollution.
15.
Happy the bride who
gets all the presents.

16.
A penny saved is
not much.
17.
Two's company, three's
the Musketeers.
18.
Don't put off till tomorrow what
you put on to go to bed.

19.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and
You have to blow your nose.

20.
There are none so blind as
Stevie Wonder.
21.
Children should be seen and not
spanked or grounded.
22.
If at first you don't succeed
get new batteries.

23.
You get out of something only what you
See in the picture on the box

24.
When the blind lead the blind
get out of the way..

25.
A bird in the hand
is going to poop on you.

And the WINNER and last one!
26..
Better late than
Pregnant

 

[Routermonster]

This one's doing the rounds at work.

HOW MEN AMUSE THEMSELVES IN TESCO

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping. This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford:

Dear Mrs. Murray

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible' theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'

And; last, but not least:
14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'

Les

 

[damo8604]

A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.
"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."
"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed.
I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!"
"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.
After flushing them, he looked at me and said, "Well, show me your pocket then."
"What for?" I asked.
He said, "The drugs."
I said, "What drugs?"