Jokes

[Jaco]

That's Golfers for you !

Dave had a week off and decided to play golf every day. Monday morning, he found himself paired with an attractive woman, Pat, who turned out to be a very good golfer.

They started with a few casual bets, but by the back nine it was a full-blown competition. On the 18th green, Pat sank her long birdie putt for the win. Dave congratulated her and paid off his losses. Pat asked for a ride home and, on the way, told him, "You know, Dave, I haven't enjoyed myself so much on the golf course in a long time. In fact, pull over so I can express my appreciation."

He did, they kissed, and one thing led to another and soon she gave him the best oral s-- he'd ever had.

The next morning, they met again on the first tee and played together again. They had another magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing tight, competitive golf.

Again Pat beat him, but she also showed her appreciation on the drive home. This went on all week, with Dave narrowly losing every day, his male ego bruised, but not unhappy.

On Friday's drive home, Dave said, "Pat, you've been great to be with all this week and tonight I'd like to return the favour. I made reservations at the best restaurant in town for us and reserved the penthouse suite at the best hotel. What do you say?"

Pat burst into tears. "I can't!"

"What? Why not?" asked Dave.

"Because," she sobbed, "I'm in the middle of a *** change and the doctor hasn't completed that part of me yet!"

"What?!" Aghast, Dave swerved off the road, screeched to a stop and cursed madly, overcome with emotion.

"I'm so sorry," says Pat. "You have a right to be angry with me."

"You b*****d!" Dave screamed, his face bright red. "You cheating b*****! All week long you've been playing off the women's tees!!"

 

[Steve Maskery]

www.youtube.com/watch?v=T4fwJbOA7eA

 

[Jaco]

:lol: :lol: :lol:
:lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[CHJ]

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.

The wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

 

[Pip]

Bill and Tom are two men working at the local sawmill. One day Bill slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Tom quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill to the local hospital.
Next day, Tom goes to the hospital and asks after Bill. The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'. Tom couldn't believe it, but here's Bill out the back exercising his now reattached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
Couple of days go by, and then Bill slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw thing. So Tom puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill off to hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.
The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising. And sure enough, here's Bill out there doing some serious work on the treadmill.
And Bill comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Tom puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Bill to hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Bill is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead.'
Tom is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in.'
'No,' says the nurse, 'Some dopey p*****k put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.'

 

[brianhabby]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[p111dom]

Hope I get away with this one!

A woman gets invited to an Ann Summers party where her friends convince her that she need to get herself a vibrator. The next day she sheepishly enters the local *** shop and asks the man behind the counter if they have any.

"Of course madam, they range in price from £10 to £180"says the man

"£180!" exclaims the woman "what can it possibly do to justify that kind of money."

The man reaches up high on the top shelf and brings down a pink box with large blue writing on it saying 'THE MAGIC VIBRATOR'

"Well madam" says the salesman "this is it the magic vibrator. It's the best on the market and straight from Japan"

"Ok" says the woman sarcastically. "but whats magic about it?"

"Watch this" says the salesman placing the box at the far end of the counter. "MAGIC VIBRATOR" he shouts "OUT OF YOUR BOX!"
In a flash the box flies open and out jumps the vibrator. "MAGIC VIBRATOR......MASSAGE NY HAND!" commands the man. The vibrator buzzes it's way along the counter and as commanded, starts to massage the mans hand. "MAGIC VIBRATOR....BACK IN YOUR BOX!" Again the vibrator dances back along the counter and puts itself away in it's box.

"That's incredible" gasps the woman "I'll take it!"

All the way home the woman can't wait to try it out. On closing the front door she runs upstairs to the bedroom ripping her clothes off on the way. Placing the box at the foot of the bed she quickly lies on the bed and shouts "MAGIC VIBRATOR....OUT OF YOUR BOX!". The box springs open and out jumps the vibrator. "MAGIC VIBRATOR...DO YOUR STUFF!"she commands and the vibrator obliges.

Several minutes later she hears the front door slam. Realising her husband has come home early she quickly says "MAGIC VIBRATOR...BACK IN YOUR BOX!" The machine does as it's told. The husband seeing he clothes on the stairs suspects the worst. In a rage he storms up the stairs and bursts through the door to find his wife spread naked on the bed still panting and sweating. "YOU'VE GOT A MAN IN HERE HAVEN'T YOU" rages the husband " No no" says the wife "you don't understand...it's a magic vibrator" The husband shouts "MAGIC VIBRATOR MY ASRE!"
:wink:

 

[mickster]

Little Jonny's mother was cleaning his room one day when she found a bondage/s&m magazine in his closet.

She hides it until her husband comes home, at which point she hands it to him, exclaming,"This is what I found in Little Jonny's closet today."

He hands it back to her is disbelief.

She asks him, several minutes later, "what are we going to do?"

To which he responds, "well we sure as hell aren't going to spank him!"

 

[mickster]

Q. How do you get 50 old ladies to say the F word?


A. Shout "Bingo".

 

[mickster]

George Bush was sat in the oval office one day when his commander in chief came running in.

"Sir!"

"Yes Commander?"

"It's terrible Sir, four Brazilian soldiers have just been killed in Iraq, its a public relations nightmare..."

"I can see that commander, now remind me again - How many's a Brazilian?"

 

[mickster]

A man loses his leg in a mining accident. After coming round from the anaesthetic, he looks under the covers and exclaims "thats it...I've had it now...who'd want a one legged gold digger?"

Walking past the room on a celebrity visit to the hospital, Paul McCartney pops his head round the door and says "Me!"

 

[mickster]

A Scotsman, an Englishman, a hot blonde and a fat chick get on the underground. They go into a tunnel and the lights go out, and suddenly they all hear a loud slap.

When the lights come on, the Englishman has a big red handprint on his face.

The blonde thinks: " Oh, the Englishman must have made a move for me, but fondled that fat woman by mistake and she slapped him" .

The fat woman thinks: " Hmm, that Englishman tried to put the moves on that blonde and got slapped. Good for her."

The Englishman thinks: " Hey, that Scotsman must have went for the blonde, and she slapped me by mistake! "

The Scotsman thinks: " Boy, I hope we go through another tunnel, so I can wallop that English w**ker again " .

 

[herdsman]

Bill and Tom are two men working at the local sawmill. One day Bill slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Tom quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill to the local hospital.
Next day, Tom goes to the hospital and asks after Bill. The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'. Tom couldn't believe it, but here's Bill out the back exercising his now reattached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
Couple of days go by, and then Bill slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw thing. So Tom puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill off to hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.
The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising. And sure enough, here's Bill out there doing some serious work on the treadmill.
And Bill comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Tom puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Bill to hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Bill is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead.'
Tom is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in.'
'No,' says the nurse, 'Some dopey p*****k put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.'

 

[Calpol]

Haha, that's very good

 

[Russell]

A woman was in town on a shopping trip.

She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband's condition.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!"

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...........

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What did you buy?"

 

[mickster]

^^^LOL!


A biker stops by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil.

He then stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem:
how to carry all of his purchases home.

While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.

She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot"

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley, we'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens....."

 

[mickster]

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his first mate: "Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party.

Although some minor casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were quickly repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed: "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on. The captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when a young ensign looked at the captain and asked: "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battles?" The captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted: "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the captain, their leader, for his usual command. The first mate half-turned as he ran to the captain's cabin and asked, "Sir, shall I get your red shirt?".

The captain, calm as ever, bellowed: "No, bring me my brown trousers!"

 

[llangatwgnedd]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[Argee]

Apologies if this has been posted before, but I couldn't find it.

Sir Alex Ferguson hears that there's a brilliant young footballer in Iraq, but is nervous about going there. A friend sets him up with a movie makeup artist, so that even his own family wouldn't recognise him and with a couple of suitable minders, off he goes.

He watches the young footballer covertly and without a doubt he's brilliant. After a short negotiation, he signs him up.

Several weeks later and Man U are playing at home. They're 4-0 down with 18 minutes to go. With nothing to lose, Sir Alex puts the young Iraqi on. He scores within the first minute of being on the pitch. At the re-start, he makes the second goal with a brilliant pass onto the head of a striker. During the remaining 15 minutes, he than scores a hat-trick. Man U win 5-4, the young Iraqi is declared man of the match and is shouldered around the ground for half an hour by the delighted fans.

On returning to the dressing room, he rings his mother. "I've just played my first professional game for the world-famous Manchester United football club, Mum," he says. "I was sent on with 18 minutes left and we were 4-0 down. I scored four goals and made another one. We won 5-4, I was declared man of the match and shouldered around the pitch for half an hour. I thought that you'd like to know."

"Oh," she replied, "let me tell you about my day. Your dear father has been shot and wounded - not once, but twice. The house has been invaded and is now picked clean and your two sisters and I have all been badly beaten. How do you feel now?"

"Well, I know it's nowhere near adequate, Mother," he said, "but I'm so sorry."

"Ah," she replied, "you're sorry - then that's OK. YOU'RE SORRY?? May I remind you that YOU are the reason we're in Manchester in the first place!"

 

[Woodmagnet]

:lol: :lol: :lol: