Joke thread
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selectortone
Still waking up not dead in the morning
When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.
Cozzer
Established Member
"I", boasted the balloon pilot,"am the greatest balloon pilot in the land. Probably the world! You couldn't be in safer hands!"
His passengers in the basket were mightily impressed, some even breaking into applause.
"Yes", he continued,"I can fly in the thickest of fogs, and the lowest and densest of clouds, and still manage to judge an accurate height of just 6 feet above the ground..."
There's always one doubting Thomas, of course, so one of his passengers challenged him, saying "Look down there, then! Thick, thick cloud, and then the densest of ground mist or fog! Get us down there!"
The pilot skilfully adjusted his burner, and started moving his weighted sand bags from one side of the basket to the other. The balloon gently descended, much to the amazement of the passengers on board.
"Ladies and gentlemen, we are now hovering a mere 6' off the ground!"
A round of applause greeted the rather grand announcement.
"In fact", continued the pilot,"I can confirm that a local resident and has even come out to greet us, and is extending his hand upwards in friendship!"
The pilot leaned out of the basket, shook the resident by the hand, before announcing the balloon was about to rise.
"Farewell! Farewell!"
A few seconds later, the doubting Thomas spoke in admiration.
"Astounding skill, pilot! Amazing! To put us down safely, through all the cloud and fog...skill indeed!"
"Not only that, sir", responded the pilot,"I can tell you exactly where we were... Liverpool"
The passengers were stunned.
"How on earth can you know that?! All the cloud! All that fog! And only a handshake from a local!"
"Easy", said the pilot."My wristwatch has gone..."
His passengers in the basket were mightily impressed, some even breaking into applause.
"Yes", he continued,"I can fly in the thickest of fogs, and the lowest and densest of clouds, and still manage to judge an accurate height of just 6 feet above the ground..."
There's always one doubting Thomas, of course, so one of his passengers challenged him, saying "Look down there, then! Thick, thick cloud, and then the densest of ground mist or fog! Get us down there!"
The pilot skilfully adjusted his burner, and started moving his weighted sand bags from one side of the basket to the other. The balloon gently descended, much to the amazement of the passengers on board.
"Ladies and gentlemen, we are now hovering a mere 6' off the ground!"
A round of applause greeted the rather grand announcement.
"In fact", continued the pilot,"I can confirm that a local resident and has even come out to greet us, and is extending his hand upwards in friendship!"
The pilot leaned out of the basket, shook the resident by the hand, before announcing the balloon was about to rise.
"Farewell! Farewell!"
A few seconds later, the doubting Thomas spoke in admiration.
"Astounding skill, pilot! Amazing! To put us down safely, through all the cloud and fog...skill indeed!"
"Not only that, sir", responded the pilot,"I can tell you exactly where we were... Liverpool"
The passengers were stunned.
"How on earth can you know that?! All the cloud! All that fog! And only a handshake from a local!"
"Easy", said the pilot."My wristwatch has gone..."
Doug B
Shy Tot
Jameshow
Established Member
Blackswanwood
Still Learning
stuart little
Established Member
JW ? 
Cozzer
Established Member
Jehovah's...
stuart little
Established Member
Thanks, never thought of them - I don't get 'em anymore since telling them 'I'm an atheist!'
Cozzer
Established Member
Funnily enough, we've just had an invite through the door - "Dear neighbour" (!) to a 3 day event that our local ....erm.... ones are holding at their kingdom hall.
Three days!
Suspect I'll be washing my hair! Or watching the football! Or Wimbledon!
(****ing anything!)
Three days!
Suspect I'll be washing my hair! Or watching the football! Or Wimbledon!
(****ing anything!)
Phil Pascoe
Established Member
I worked seven nights on, seven off. I was feeling quite ill, and having trouble sleeping. I was just drifting off to sleep at 4pm when the doorbell rang. Everyone who knew me knew I was either out or asleep at that time of day, so I ignored it. A couple of minutes later it rang again for a little longer. I did nothing. A few minutes later it rang again ........... and went on, and on, and on ......... It must be an emergency, I thought, so I dressed and answered the door. An elderly woman and the usual twelve or thirteen year old girl smiled benignly and the woman said "hello ....... we've come to talk about world peace. I don't usually swear at women but I said if you don't Foxtrot Oscar, there won't be any. I never saw them again.
I never saw them again.Cabinetman
Established Member
Yes I got one as did all my neighbours, handwritten three sides sent through the post and the lady even included her mobile number – I was so tempted! But no leave them alone in their little crazy bubble.
I got rid of our local ones by answering the door wearing nothing but my budgie smugglers and a "Here's Johnny" grin on my face.
Mrs G told me to get in and start acting my age.
That happened about 5 years ago and to this day we have not had a JW call.
Mrs G told me to get in and start acting my age.
That happened about 5 years ago and to this day we have not had a JW call.
NormanB
Established Member
Do you really believe that?Thanks, never thought of them - I don't get 'em anymore since telling them 'I'm an atheist!'
As a student I shared a house with someone who was training to be a minister so people arriving on the doorstep holding bibles was a common occurrence. Once you've invited them in made tea and toast before finding out who they are you will never get rid of them it's easier to just move house.
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