Joke thread

[Noel]

As mentioned here- Another Joke

Please ensure contributions do not contain risqué innuendo or images that might offend, remember and be aware that not everyone has the same sense of humour and a joke you may find funny, may cause insult or offence.
Our members are from a varied demographic, age and gender, please keep that in mind.

 

[Brill88]

Joke you say My engineer friend said when he did his apprentice there was some right blinders that went on one story was in the mornings the blokes would hit the toilet with a *** a brew and a paper as they’d be paid to dung lol anyway one of the aprentises would come and take the bets for the horses well this day one of the blokes who liked a drink had a bit much the night before and fell asleep on the toilet and when he woke up his legs had fallen asleep and fell and knocked himself out on the toilet door they ended up having to remove the hinges to get him out haha

 

[Brill88]

That’s a true story though but rather funny look at the old days of aprentiships

 

[dzj]

 

[Doug B]

 

[Cabinetman]

Now that’s funny!

 

[Droogs]

Only a brit would come up with that one

 

[Cabinetman]

Just because grannies are female and old (usually) doesn’t mean they don’t have a sense of humour. I suspect it’s more a variation between Britain and the good ol USA thing. Firsthand experience here – my Pam is American and care has to be used on the comedy front.
I remember in the 70s, American tourists being shocked at adverts showing women in underwear on the subway walls in London.
Your starter for 10 where is this from, " don’t look Ethel , but it was too late she's already been incensed."
Edit, sorry I should’ve said, not everybody knows that Noel the site owner is American – that’s right isn’t it Noel?
Double edit, sorry I got it wrong Noel isn’t the owner but the owner is American.

 

[Blackswanwood]

 

[Cozzer]

Caesar wandered into a taverna.
"Ey up, Jules! What can I get ya?"
"It's been a long day, matey...Senate stuff mainly...and this toga's making me sweat like a glassblower's arse... think I'll have a Martinus..."
"You mean a Martini, don't ya Jules?"
"If I'd wanted a double, I'd have asked for it..."

Ayethangqueue

 

[Cozzer]

And now, an old one....

Hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?
Up all night worrying if there really was a Dog.

 

[Jameshow]

Just another thought on your age - if you add up the numbers if your planes 4 5 6 etc and they are greater than your age then your in the above club!!!

Cheers James

 

[Bm101]

Hooooooooooooo..... *biiiig breathhhhhhhhh* Ahhhhhhhhh.......

 

[Brill88]

Noel: "Our members are from a varied demographic, age and gender, please keep that in mind."



It's about 99% blokes.
I very much doubt if any have variable gender.
Most of them live in the UK and understand trade / factory humour. Roughly 3 live in the US. + / - 2
I might have dementia - I forgot what I just wrote.
My age does not vary. It just gets worse.
95% of members are over 60 and the other 5% are lying or act like they are over 60.

My body feels like it’s over 60

 

[Brill88]

Just another thought on your age - if you add up the numbers if your planes 4 5 6 etc and they are greater than your age then your in the above club!!!

Cheers James

The amount of planes I have the number is so high I’d be dead a long time ago

 

[Doug B]

An oldie but a goodie

 

[Cozzer]

Amadeus Mozart and Andrew Lloyd Webber.
According to contemporary reports and the recent-ish Amadeus film, Mozart was a composer who farted a lot, whereas Lloyd Webber is a fart who composes a lot...

 

[Cozzer]

It's funny, the things you hear people say in actual conversation - not jokes as such, but "sayings" that they use without thinking, but are new to you...
A pal of mine comes out with some right nonsense : it transpired that his eldest son "came out"recently, (although it had been obvious to all and sundry for years) and his father had asked him if he was sure that he wasn't simply "bi-folding"....
The same bloke has other little phrases - "Oh him! He's as thick as a Boxing Day turd!" is one of his classics, as is the "sweating like a glassblower's ar5e" that I actually used in one my earlier jokes.
Shakespeare, he ain't....

(edit : For "cowpat", read Richard the III !)

 

[Blackswanwood]

 

[Candooman]

View attachment 108649

Priceless!!!!!
Why didn’t I think of that??