Joke thread

[dzj]

 

[Linus]

View attachment 110221

Haven't changed a lot in twenty years have they?

 

[Daniel2]

They still beat the pants off a lot of todays offerings, when it comes to showtime.
Tina & Cher are the same.

 

[Doug B]

They still beat the pants off a lot of todays offerings, when it comes to showtime.
Tina & Cher are the same.

They ort to they've had enough practice

 

[Droogs]

Jeez watching them on stage will be like witnessing the march of the Ents to war

 

[Garno]

I bought a dictionary the other day.
Out of interest, I looked up the word "dictionary".
The explanation was "This is one".....

I looked up the word "Grumpy" and it was a photograph of me.






Stupid dictionary ...............

 

[flying haggis]

 

[flying haggis]

 

[Boringgeoff]

I asked my Dad "what's an Oxymoron?" His reply "someone who doesn't know how to use a gas axe".

 

[dzj]

 

[bushwhaker]

The Marine Drill Instructor noticed a new recruit and barked at him, "Get your ass over here! What's your name?"

"Paul" - the new recruit replied.

"Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy ******** they're teaching in boot camp today, but I don't call anyone by his first name," - the sergeant scowled. "It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my recruits by their last names only - Smith, Jones, Baker… I am to be referred to only as 'Sergeant.' Do I make myself clear?!"

"Yes, sir, Sergeant!"

"Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?"

The recruit sighed "Darling, My name is Paul Darling."

"Okay, Paul, here's what I want you to do ..."

 

[Doug B]

Celebrating the pubs reopening. I got so drunk last night I left the car behind and took a bus home. Now that might not be a big deal to you but it was the first time I'd ever driven one.

 

[sploo]

I remember being about thirteen, in school in an English lesson. A lad put his hand up and said please sir, what does obnoxious mean? The reply - Obnoxious? Obnoxious is what you are, Williams - look it up!

I once asked my mum for the definition of "contagious".

"Remember when I asked your father to paint the fence?", she sighed. "It took the contagious".

 

[Phil Pascoe]

Oh, dear.

 

[Bob Chapman]

There should now be a competition to explain that one without using offensive language

 

[Just4Fun]

Quite easy .... if sploo's mum was a countess

 

[Stan]

Two drunks after a late night lock-in at a pub, realise they have missed the last bus home.

"No problem", said the first, "the bus depot is just down the road. Let's steal one and drive it home".
"Won't we get into trouble?" asked the second.
"Look, if you're scared, you stay at the gate and keep watch while I nip inside. It should only take a couple of minutes".

They creep down to the depot and the first drunk sneaks inside, while the second keeps watch at the gate. Time drags on and he gets more and more anxious. Every now and then he hears a diesel engine start up, rev for a minute or so and then switch off. After about 40 minutes the second drunk has bitten his fingernails down to the quick, as his mate drives a bus out the gateway into the road.
"Quick, hop on!" shouts the first drunk.
"What took you so long?" said the second.
"Hey, it wasn't my fault they parked the number 15 at the back of the garage was it!" replied the first.

 

[dzj]

 

[EddyCurrent]

There should now be a competition to explain that one without using offensive language

Try this then, misunderstanding due to a South African accent.

 

[Trainee neophyte]

In honour of the other thread about inappropriate jokes, I searched for something that would not offend.