Joke thread

[Doug B]

 

[stuart little]

After the chaos last Sunday I don't think I'll be following it either!

Same when the 'Prancing Horse' gang made Barrichello 'yield' to Schumi!

 

[stuart little]

A horse walks into a bar & orders a drink. Barman asks - "Why the long face?"

 

[stuart little]

A woman, with a duck under her arm. enters a bar & orders a drink; barman says - "What are you doing with that pig?"
Woman says - "It's not a pig, it's a duck".
"Shut up you, I'm talking to the duck!" replies barman.

 

[Jameshow]

View attachment 124223

When dreams turn to nightmares ....!

 

[sammy.se]

 

[dzj]

 

[Droogs]

@sammy.se Funny you put that up, when I was a sprog my platoon sergeant answered an advert in the local paper for a car for sale. It was a DB5 going for £5K (this was at xmas/new year 87/88) we were on duty crew, basically manning the office phone while everyone was on block leave. At first he thought it was a printing error but no after a quick chat on the phone the lady said it was genuine. We went round to have a look and when we got there, there was a police chief inspector there along with the woman. We were a bit sus but she said he was here brother or cousin or something and was there to act as the witness for the sale if my Sgt decided to buy the car. Turns out she had bought it for her husband as an anniversary present but was now selling it as she had found out he was cheating on her with his secretary call Paul. So my Sgt bought the car and kept it for a year and then sold it for a big profit.

 

[Cozzer]

I've just overheard a conversation between a woman and a teenager, with the woman trying to persuade the youngster to get vaccinated.
"It doesn't hurt!", she said, "and they only use a hypodeemic nurdle".
It was only the second use of the phrase when I realised why it hadn't sounded quite right the first time!

 

[Linus]

Oh yes. Hell hath no fury like a woman's corns.

View attachment 124237

 

[Phil Pascoe]

@sammy.se Funny you put that up, when I was a sprog my platoon sergeant answered an advert in the local paper for a car for sale. It was a DB5 going for £5K ...

Many moons ago my sister's boyfriend's brother did the same with a nearly new Rover. He used to get up early to go shooting and on a Thursday scan the small ads in the local weekly before he went. The woman's husband had told her to sell the car and send him the money so he got it for about a quarter of what it should have been.

 

[Cordy]

If you could sacrifice one country to save the rest of the world, which would you choose ? and why France ?

 

[Keith Cocker]

If you could sacrifice one country to save the rest of the world, which would you choose ? and why France ?

I’d sacrifice England and move to France. Much better food.

 

[Daniel2]

I’d sacrifice England and move to France. Much better food.

And lifestyle

 

[bushwhaker]

I was standing at the bar of Terminal in the International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer.

I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"

He says "No, why would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?"

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer."

 

[Phil Pascoe]

I’d sacrifice England and move to France. Much better food.

For much of France now that quite simply is not true.

 

[stuart little]

I've just overheard a conversation between a woman and a teenager, with the woman trying to persuade the youngster to get vaccinated.
"It doesn't hurt!", she said, "and they only use a hypodeemic nurdle".
It was only the second use of the phrase when I realised why it hadn't sounded quite right the first time!

That's what I call a needle, ever since I heard Nannette Newman say it on some TV show ,several decades ago

 

[nickds1]

For much of France now that quite simply is not true.

True. Years ago it wasn't, but general French cuisine standards have fallen and British standards have rocketed, admittedly from a pretty low base. I still fondly remember the "menu a dix Francs" - generally a chicken casserole and a bit if fresh baguette - which was normally pretty good, plus for an extra 5 Francs you'd get something far more substantial...

I've lived and worked in many countries including France and everywhere, except in the Far East, overall quality is not that great. Note that there are always exceptions to the general case...

Having said that, we're foodies who have grown a lot of our own food for the last 30 years or more... and I'm partial to simple food done well ... so maybe I'm being unfair...

 

[Terry - Somerset]

There is an inverse food quality measure associated with fast food - McDonalds:

• France 1485 branches
• Germany 1478 branches
• UK 1300 branhes
• Spain 535 branhes

Spain where we have spent the last 4 weeks has excellent seafood at a reasonable price.

With apologies to McD afficionados.

 

[TRITON]