Joke thread

[Keith Cocker]

Cordy's post was not modified by a Moderator, nor would we have modified it. Cordy edited his own post.

Thanks Mike and just for further clarification I did NOT complain. I simply made the comment on the thread that all can see.

 

[Keith Cocker]

Personally I find Keith's surname extremely offensive It should be non gender specific, I suggest it's changed to Genitaler

Oh dear! And I thought I had got away from the puerile name jokes when I left Primary School.

 

[Bod]

Why did the chicken cross the road?





We'll never know, thanks to the No. 39 bus.

Bod

 

[Cabinetman]

OK, fair enough,

 

[Doug B]

 

[Cozzer]

A Yorkshireman walks into a vets.

“Eyup, can tha tek a look at me cat - it’s not bin itssen lately”
“Okay” says the vet, “but first things first - is it a tom?”
”Nah” he replies, “I’ve got it ‘ere wi me…”

 

[Cozzer]

Alternative Dictionary Definitions, anyone?
(aka Uxbridge Dictionary)

A few to start you off...

Prostitute : a woman that it's a business to do pleasure with.
Tyrant : getting irate about neckwear.
Code : what you say you have when a certain virus prevents you from speaking properly.
Eve : the first woman just after dusk.
Pullet : instruction on how to open the door of a chicken house.
Mango : a laxative fruit, only for males.
Saturate : Passing water, but only at week ends.
Tactics : small, hard mint sweets favoured by David Beckham.
Tic Tacs : a style of football favoured by David Beckham.
Pot Noodle : Contrary to rumour, not poodle.
Wye-eye, man : A wireless broadband engineer in the north-east of England who hadn't read his manual properly.

 

[Doug B]

 

[dzj]

 

[Cozzer]

A few more Uxbridge jobs...

Gastronomy : the art of cooking amongst the stars
Spectator : a pair of glasses made out of potatoes
Mosquito : an insect that lives in Islamic temples
Trike : three lesbians
Cutlery : a bit like a cutler
Agoraphobia : fear of the Taj Mahal.
Denial : A river flowing from Burundi to Egypt
Hobnob : A cooking accident.

 

[Kittyhawk]

Just one more...
Prostitute : a Merchant Bonker

 

[TRITON]

Oh dear! And I thought I had got away from the puerile name jokes when I left Primary School.

Are you new to the interweb ?

 

[Robbo3]

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there isn’t a pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro — what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

 

[Jameshow]

I've got a single garage workshop, will this fit!!!

https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Altendor...2349624.m46890.l49286&mkrid=710-127635-2958-0

 

[Droogs]

I've got a single garage workshop, will this fit!!!

https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Altendor...2349624.m46890.l49286&mkrid=710-127635-2958-0

yes it will

joking aside that is a fantastic find.

 

[stuart little]

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there isn’t a pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro — what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

What do you call a fish with bad breath?


Halibut-tosis.

 

[Sachakins]

I've got a single garage workshop, will this fit!!!

https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Altendor...2349624.m46890.l49286&mkrid=710-127635-2958-0

No at first, but I'd find a way to make it fit pronto...

 

[Cozzer]

More from Uxbridge...


Dandelion : a fashionable & sophisticated lion.
Vulcanised rubber : method of birth control favoured by the crew of the starship Enterprise, as recommended by their first officer.
Avant-garde : Someone who protects a town in Hampshire.
Pie-eyed : one of Pukka's least successful pies.
Lymph : Walk with a lisp.
Circumvent : Opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Rectitude : Formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
Pokemon : A rastafarian proctologist.

 

[Robbo3]

ASSICONS

(_!_) a regular ***
(__!__) a fat ***
(!) a tight ***
(_*_) an *** hole
{_!_} a swishy ***
(_o_) an *** that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ***
(_X_) leave my *** alone
(_zzz_) a tired ***
(_E=mc2_) a smart ***
(_$_) Money coming out of his ***
(_?_) Dumb ***

 

[Cozzer]

Creek : a ripe-smelling narrow waterway.
Creek : a ripe-smelling TV magician/detective.
Creak : a rickety, arthritic, mispelt TV magician/detective.
Internet : Cruel sea bird trapping system.
Arsenic : Should've stuck with the wax method rather than use the razor.
Soporific : A really scary slice of bread dipped in gravy.
Dyslexia : Not dat lexia.
Chicane : a piece of bondage paraphernalia.
Distillery - What Mr Trump did to Mrs Clinton.