Joke thread
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flying haggis
Established Member
flying haggis
Established Member
That last joke hurt me My wife is sat next to me and i laughed
Growing up in a small Serbian town, our local barber would offer kids 2 hairstyles:
a sportsman cut or a Tarzan-like hairdo. It turned out he cut everyone's hair the same, but as
our noggins were different shape, size, his haircuts seemed different.
The illusion of choice, eh.
a sportsman cut or a Tarzan-like hairdo. It turned out he cut everyone's hair the same, but as
our noggins were different shape, size, his haircuts seemed different.
The illusion of choice, eh.
doctor Bob
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My home town barber was also a fishing tackle shop, barber would serve maggots to a punter then go back to cutting hair.
There used to be an advert on local radio that went like this:
<sound of hair clippers buzzing, then stopped >
Barber: There you go sir, just like David Beckham.
Customer: Aaaargggh! That's not like David Beckham!
Barber: It would be if he came in here.
<sound of hair clippers buzzing, then stopped >
Barber: There you go sir, just like David Beckham.
Customer: Aaaargggh! That's not like David Beckham!
Barber: It would be if he came in here.
Robbo3
Established Member
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of things. The grandfather is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long". Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly say, "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there".
At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the cart. Grandfather says again in a controlled voice, "William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandfather."
"Thanks," says the grandfather, "but I am William, the boy's name is Kevin".
At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the cart. Grandfather says again in a controlled voice, "William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandfather."
"Thanks," says the grandfather, "but I am William, the boy's name is Kevin".
selectortone
Still waking up not dead in the morning
To whoever stole my anti-depressants - I hope you're happy.
Doug B
Shy Tot
Cozzer
Established Member
"I'll just write you a prescription", said the GP.
He reached into his suit jacket pocket, and pulled out an anal thermometer instead.
"Oh, b*****!", he exclaimed, "That means some ar5ehole's got my pen...."
He reached into his suit jacket pocket, and pulled out an anal thermometer instead.
"Oh, b*****!", he exclaimed, "That means some ar5ehole's got my pen...."
Im sure it could be made smaller with only 2 settings ?
Blackswanwood
Still Learning
Exactly
There was a tradesman, a painter called Wayne, who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually, the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of their biggest buildings.
Wayne put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job.
And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.
Well, Wayne was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Wayne clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Wayne was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke... "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually, the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of their biggest buildings.
Wayne put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job.
And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.
Well, Wayne was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Wayne clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Wayne was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke... "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
An elderly vicar died and went to heaven. At the pearly gates, St Peter asked him to stand aside as a VIP was expected any time. Being a mild-mannered gentleman, he stood to one side and waited patiently.
After some hours the vicar was getting a bit restless. The gates then gently swung open, and a huge motorcycle with a loud exhaust cruised up, ridden by a teenaged lad in black leathers. He rode through the gates, did a wheelie and roared off. St Peter then approached the vicar.
St P: You can come in now he's arrived.
Vicar: How can he be more important than me? I have been a faithful servant for many a year.
St P: He's only had that bike for two weeks, and in that time he has put the fear of God into more people than you have in the last forty years!
After some hours the vicar was getting a bit restless. The gates then gently swung open, and a huge motorcycle with a loud exhaust cruised up, ridden by a teenaged lad in black leathers. He rode through the gates, did a wheelie and roared off. St Peter then approached the vicar.
St P: You can come in now he's arrived.
Vicar: How can he be more important than me? I have been a faithful servant for many a year.
St P: He's only had that bike for two weeks, and in that time he has put the fear of God into more people than you have in the last forty years!
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