Joke Thread III

[MikeJhn]

And leader/teacher in German is............

 

[Stan]

I bet you £5 that if you give me £10, I will give you £20 in return. Any takers?

If so, why?
If not, why not?

(Legal disclaimer: for those with sense of humour blindness, this is not an invitation to enter a binding contract: the clue is that it is in the joke thread).

 

[Sachakins]

I bet you £5 that if you give me £10, I will give you £20 in return. Any takers?

If so, why?
If not, why not?

(Legal disclaimer: for those with sense of humour blindness, this is not an invitation to enter a binding contract: the clue is that it is in the joke thread).

I ain't got £10, Yandles got all my money

 

[Sgian Dubh]

An acquaintance told me of training his dog to play the trumpet whilst travelling on the London Underground. It seemed a daft idea to me, but he reckoned he got it to go from barking to to tooting in just under an hour.

 

[stuart little]

And leader/teacher in German is............

Dare I say it: füher

 

[Thingybob]

Dare I say it: füher

No

 

[mwinfrance]

I'm surprised the forum "word list" lets that one through.

 

[Doug B]

 

[woodhutt]

Paddy walks into a shop and asks the assistant in what aisle he'd find Irish sausage.
The assistant looks at him and says, 'You're Irish, aren't you?'
Paddy becomes annoyed and says, 'If I'd come in and asks for bratwurst, would you have assumed I was German? Or if I'd asked for poloney, would you have assumed I was Italian? Or maybe if I'd asked for kosher sausage, would you have assumed I was Jewish?'
The assistant acknowledges that he wouldn't.
'So why assume I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish sausage?'
The assistant says, 'Because this is a hardware store.'

 

[mwinfrance]

Paddy walks into a shop and asks the assistant in what aisle he'd find Irish sausage.
The assistant looks at him and says, 'You're Irish, aren't you?'
Paddy becomes annoyed and says, 'If I'd come in and asks for bratwurst, would you have assumed I was German? Or if I'd asked for poloney, would you have assumed I was Italian? Or maybe if I'd asked for kosher sausage, would you have assumed I was Jewish?'
The assistant acknowledges that he wouldn't.
'So why assume I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish sausage?'
The assistant says, 'Because this is a hardware store.'

it's because he was Irish ..but blonde..si..si, we are not all red haired or or dark haired ( the NZ jokes that this Irishman knows, told to me by Australians, would never get past the mods ) and the RSPCA would probably open investigations in case just 1% were based upon true stories

 

[Phil Pascoe]

I had a large paperback 20+ years ago of the world's oldest/best racist jokes. The author said that virtually ever joke in it was found in different Countries with different victims, Greek jokes in Melbourne, Polish jokes in Chicago, Italian in Toronto etc.
My sister's a Kiwi - you should hear the jokes there about the Aussies.
My brother in law comes from Plymouth and he said many moons ago that if you wanted to take the pee out of the Cornish it was wise to go to Cornwall to do it - if you did it in Plymouth you were inviting a hiding.

 

[woodhutt]

it's because he was Irish ..but blonde..si..si, we are not all red haired or or dark haired ( the NZ jokes that this Irishman knows, told to me by Australians, would never get past the mods ) and the RSPCA would probably open investigations in case just 1% were based upon true stories

I seem to have touched a nerve. Perhaps I should add a disclaimer as they do in the movies. Something along the lines of... No Irishmen were injured in the telling of this joke.
And if you believe anything an Australian tells you then you really must be Irish.

 

[Boringgeoff]

Two Kiwi blokes, one asks "What's a Hindu?" the other replies, "Lays iggs eh."

A Kiwi and a Pom walking down the street encounter a Nun with her arm in a sling. "what happened to your arm?" asks one of the blokes. "I slipped and broke it getting out of the bath" replies the Nun. After awhile the Kiwi asks the Pom "What's a bath?" Pom replies "Dunno, I'm not a Catholic."

 

[woodhutt]

What do you call an Aussie who scores well on an IQ Test?
A cheat.

What's really bad about being bitten by a redback spider?
It means you're probably Australian.

What's the difference between Cinderella and the Wallabies?
At least Cinderella got to the ball.

 

[Doug B]

 

[woodhutt]

While out shopping today, I was accosted by a beautiful 25 year old woman who offered an afternoon of delight in exchange for promoting a commercial cleaning product on any social media format or forum I might be a member of.
Needless to say, I am a happily married man who would reject such an offer.
I am also a man of strong principles.

But, not as strong as Ajax! The new wonder cleaner now available in Lemon or Vanilla scent at a supermarket near you!

 

[PhilTilson]

I'm surprised the forum "word list" lets that one through.

Only because he spelt it incorrectly!

 

[mwinfrance]

Only because he spelt it incorrectly!

I had thought of mentioning that, but didn't want to be accused of being a "grammar n@zi" given the subject .I'd have thought it ( the list ) would be set up for "close variants", apparently not. He did get the umlaut though.

 

[Doug B]

 

[Cozzer]

"Well then, young Rachel....you're a rare sight in my surgery! Usually you young 'uns are fit and healthy, so what's on your mind?"
"For the last few weeks I've had these strange green marks on the inside of my legs. I just hope it's nothing serious..."
"Hmmmm. I've heard you've been knocking about with gypsy Joe lately....is that right?"
Rachel nodded. "He's really nice. Kind, thoughtful....and contrary to what people think, honest..."
"Well, Rachel....He might be nice, kind and thoughtful, but I'm not so sure about the honest bit..... His earrings aren't real gold for starters...."