Joke Thread III

[Pabs]

View attachment 156815

the standard response appears to be the middle finger.

 

[llangatwgnedd]

 

[llangatwgnedd]

 

[MichaelAD]

I've ordered a new garden gate.
They are unable to tell me when it will be delivered.
Apparently it hinges on the post.

 

[Doug B]

 

[Cordy]

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink
Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon


Since 1966, England fans have said they are going to win the cup at the start of every football competition

, hence the phrase ‘deluded tw-t’

 

[stuart little]

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink
Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon


Since 1966, England fans have said they are going to win the cup at the start of every football competition

, hence the phrase ‘deluded tw-t’

 

[quintain]

Generally the middle finger only is the message.
When we were in Florida and hosting a house party an apparently very refined mother of one of our grown up woman friends was telling about how slow her mother always drove; the mother replied by saying "when anyone honks their horn or flashes their lights at me, I smile and delicately wave my hand showing all fingers and thumb" and say aloud "take that you sucker; I am giving you the middle finger five times and you think I'm apologising" The daughter was devastated and later apologetic, she had never heard her mother say similar to sucker any time in her life. Our house wine and their collective brought in beer had been flowing copiously.

 

[woodhutt]

A long-haul trucker driving across the Nullabor in Oz pulls in at a remote pub for a pit stop. He's having a cold one and deciding what to eat, when the barman tells him, discretely, that there are some working girls operating upstairs if he's interested.
The trucker says he'll give the barman $500 if he'll make him a cheese sandwich and could he make the bread dry and curling and the cheese slightly mouldy and then he'd have the ugliest girl on the premises.
The barman tells him, that for $500 he'd make him a slap-up steak dinner and he could have the best looking girl.
The trucker shakes his head sadly. 'Nah. Give me what I ordered. I'm feeling homesick.'

 

[Doug B]

 

[Cordy]

I've been watching 'The Big Match Revisited' on ITV2 and you won't believe this


In the 1970s, they used to play football standing up

 

[JimJay]

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink
Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon


Since 1966, England fans have said they are going to win the cup at the start of every football competition

, hence the phrase ‘deluded tw-t’

That's a load of twaddle - apart from the last sentence!

 

[Pineapple]

That's a load of twaddle - apart from the last sentence!

People who drink alcohol normally speak a load of twaddle !

 

[The_Yellow_Ardvark]

 

[dzj]

 

[JimJay]

People who drink alcohol normally speak a load of twaddle !

So you don't subcribe to "In vino veritas"?

 

[Cordy]

What's the best way to smuggle £600,000 sterling into Dubai?

I'm asking for a Scottish friend.

 

[Cozzer]

A bloke's just approached me on the street and asked if there was anywhere nearby where he could buy a toupee.

I thought for a second.

"Not off the top of my head, no...."

 

[Doug B]

 

[dzj]