Joke Thread III

[IZZY]

Come on! We're talking Americans here. Why use only one bullet/shell when 99 will do?

Reminds me of the judge in USA who asked a policeman why they used 65 rounds to stop a thief he replied " we ran out of bullets"

 

[stuart little]

D'you know, Tommy Cooper died - 'Just like that!'

 

[stuart little]

Right then, Stuart....
It's like this...
A really, really big balloon with lots of electronic equipment slung off it has been floating across America, and....

I found out later from MSN.

 

[stuart little]

3.....2.....1
Good Morning, Stuart!

And Good Morning to ye! Here goes

 

[Pineapple]

Would you like me to screenshot carpet shops in Grimsby!

I think you missed the point James, my search wasn't for carpet shops - it was for a Paper Map.

 

[JimJay]

I think you missed the point James, my search wasn't for carpet shops - it was for a Paper Map.

Why kill a tree just to find a shop? If you want one so much, why don't you just 3D-print a darned carpet?

 

[PhilTilson]

Once again the (new) joke thread appears to be meandering...

 

[Jameshow]

I think you missed the point James, my search wasn't for carpet shops - it was for a Paper Map.

I was thinking a screenshot of the Google map with carpet shops on it!

 

[DrPhill]

I've recently relocated from Cornwall to North East Lincolnshire... Needing to find a cheap carpet shop;- so wanting to feel the quality to balance it against the price, I decided to avoid the internet... I went into town & asked around. but everyone I asked said they had no ideas to offer, as they hadn't bought carpets for years. I thought my best bet would be to ask Google "Cheapest Carpet Prices in Grimsby" and buy a street-map to find the store(s). I was in town already so I asked in the Library "where can I buy a street-map ?" They said "we don't sell them, we only lend out books, but you could try in " the precinct ".... I went there & asked a group of Police-Persons... They had no real ideas to offer, but suggested that I try "The Magazine Shop".....They said "we don't sell them anymore - 'cos everyone's using Google now"
I gave up and returned home to ask Google "Where can I buy a street-map "
Google suggested Waterstones Website, which came up "Grimsby is Currently Unavailable".
It seems to me that Google now has the Monopoly.......Online Maps are now the NORM.....I can't find a paper one at all (Yet ! )
Exasperation is setting in......Looks as though I'll end up taking pot-luck & buying a fitted carpet from just anywhere that I can find !

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Philips-Street-Atlas-Lincolnshire-Pocket/dp/0540083410/

 

[Pineapple]

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Philips-Street-Atlas-Lincolnshire-Pocket/dp/0540083410/

Order placed, thanks PHILL !​

 

[Doug B]

 

[Thingybob]

You might of seen me responding more this week because I'm I'll in bed with a bad chest cold but thanks to all you posters I have not gone completely stir crazy SWMBO will not let me go any where near the workshop so please keep up the good work it's like virtual woodworking .

 

[Thingybob]

Just to prove I'm not loosing it
I have been pineing all week to get down to the beech I thought ok I will sneak out I know a poplar place but missus thought different she said if I did I would feel the birch across my ash if I did I'm sycamore days in bed I feel much better she said she has heard all the old chestnuts now back to bed do we have a deal she's worse than meranti anyway will try again tomorrow it's a yew day
Must be these tablets I'm taking

 

[flying haggis]

Or have stopped taking...................................

 

[TRITON]

 

[Doug B]

 

[Phil Pascoe]

View attachment 152980

My late friend, a sparky, told me he once got a wallop from a 3ph board and when he woke up his footprints were on the wall by the board.

 

[quintain]

Come on! We're talking Americans here. Why use only one bullet/shell when 99 will do?

but never before about 2 yrs have passed.

 

[Sachakins]

I've recently relocated from Cornwall to North East Lincolnshire... Needing to find a cheap carpet shop;- so wanting to feel the quality to balance it against the price, I decided to avoid the internet... I went into town & asked around. but everyone I asked said they had no ideas to offer, as they hadn't bought carpets for years. I thought my best bet would be to ask Google "Cheapest Carpet Prices in Grimsby" and buy a street-map to find the store(s). I was in town already so I asked in the Library "where can I buy a street-map ?" They said "we don't sell them, we only lend out books, but you could try in " the precinct ".... I went there & asked a group of Police-Persons... They had no real ideas to offer, but suggested that I try "The Magazine Shop".....They said "we don't sell them anymore - 'cos everyone's using Google now"
I gave up and returned home to ask Google "Where can I buy a street-map "
Google suggested Waterstones Website, which came up "Grimsby is Currently Unavailable".
It seems to me that Google now has the Monopoly.......Online Maps are now the NORM.....I can't find a paper one at all (Yet ! )
Exasperation is setting in......Looks as though I'll end up taking pot-luck & buying a fitted carpet from just anywhere that I can find !

Buy one from the Ordanace Map, ring and order one if you want to avoid the Internet

 

[Boringgeoff]

Just to prove I'm not loosing it
I have been pineing all week to get down to the beech I thought ok I will sneak out I know a poplar place but missus thought different she said if I did I would feel the birch across my ash if I did I'm sycamore days in bed I feel much better she said she has heard all the old chestnuts now back to bed do we have a deal she's worse than meranti anyway will try again tomorrow it's a yew day
Must be these tablets I'm taking

You ought to Marri her if you can get round Tuart.