Don't fancy the English Channel 5k run
Joke Thread III
- Thread starter Sachakins
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The_Yellow_Ardvark
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The_Yellow_Ardvark
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The_Yellow_Ardvark
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Doug B
Shy Tot
stuart little
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Def. needs one here!
stuart little
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Lost?
stuart little
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Electricity is a wonderful thing, if it wasn't for it we'd all be watching TV by candle light!
MorrisWoodman12
Established Member
Ah! Bring back the magic lantern. I expect you've still got yours @stuart little . Can you publish the plans so we can all make them for when the 'leccy runs out.Electricity is a wonderful thing, if it wasn't for it we'd all be watching TV by candle light!
DrPhill
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A man walks in to an elevator with a blonde already in it. She looks at him and says T-G-I-F (only letters). He says S-H-I-T (only letters). Then she says again T-G-I-F (only letters).
She tries one more time but this time she puts on a great big smile trying to be nice and says, “T-G-I-F.” Then he looks at her and puts on a great big smile too, and says, “S-H-I-T.”
She finally decides to tell the man what it stands for since he isn’t getting it.
“Thank Goodness It’s Friday. Get it?”
He says, “Sorry, Honey, It’s Thursday.”
She tries one more time but this time she puts on a great big smile trying to be nice and says, “T-G-I-F.” Then he looks at her and puts on a great big smile too, and says, “S-H-I-T.”
She finally decides to tell the man what it stands for since he isn’t getting it.
“Thank Goodness It’s Friday. Get it?”
He says, “Sorry, Honey, It’s Thursday.”
treeturner123
Established Member
I seem to remember, in the 3 day week some prat of a Government minister having a photo of himself shaving by candle light and yes, it was an electric razor!!Electricity is a wonderful thing, if it wasn't for it we'd all be watching TV by candle light!
Phil (The Old!)
Cozzer
Established Member
Electricity is a wonderful thing, if it wasn't for it we'd all be watching TV by candle light!
Ey up!
Stuart's actually cracked a joke out!
Good 'un, Stu!
stuart little
Established Member
Thanks Cozzer. All credit goes to the late great Tommy Cooper - just seeing who remembers!Ey up!
Stuart's actually cracked a joke out!
Good 'un, Stu!
stuart little
Established Member
Ah! Bring back the magic lantern. I expect you've still got yours @stuart little . Can you publish the plans so we can all make them for when the 'leccy runs out.
The_Yellow_Ardvark
Established Member
Cozzer
Established Member
Part 2 of Tea v. Coffee v. Wife, and similar exasperations...
"Kate! Have you seen my bradawl?"
"What's it look like?"
I describe it perfectly.
"Is this it?"
"No...that's something completely different. Does it really look anything like what I described to you?"
"Well, I don't know, do I?"
The hunt continues.
"Have you found it yet?"
You try not to sound sarcastic. "No, not yet. That's why I'm still looking..."
"Where was it when you last saw it?"
"There. Right there. Only three or four days ago...."
"Oh yes! I think I remember seeing it there! Sort of like a screwdriver, blue plastic handle and a spike at the end..."
"Yes. Exactly how I described it to you, minutes ago..."
The hunt continues.
"Is this it?"
You stare.
"No. That's a computer memory stick. How'd I make a hole with that! And anyway, is that blue?!"
"Well, I don't know! I was only trying to help!"
A few minutes go by.
"Have you looked in the hall table drawer?"
"No. Why would it be in the hall table drawer?"
"I might've put it there when I was tidying up after you..."
Notice the switch.
"After you".
I check the drawer, and there it is.
I hold it up, triumphantly.
"Oh, that!"
Obviously this blue plastic handle with a spike at the end doesn't look at all like a blue plastic handle with a spike at the end.
"Anyway...what do you want it for?"
I explain why.
"Why don't you just bang a nail in it?"
I give up....
"Kate! Have you seen my bradawl?"
"What's it look like?"
I describe it perfectly.
"Is this it?"
"No...that's something completely different. Does it really look anything like what I described to you?"
"Well, I don't know, do I?"
The hunt continues.
"Have you found it yet?"
You try not to sound sarcastic. "No, not yet. That's why I'm still looking..."
"Where was it when you last saw it?"
"There. Right there. Only three or four days ago...."
"Oh yes! I think I remember seeing it there! Sort of like a screwdriver, blue plastic handle and a spike at the end..."
"Yes. Exactly how I described it to you, minutes ago..."
The hunt continues.
"Is this it?"
You stare.
"No. That's a computer memory stick. How'd I make a hole with that! And anyway, is that blue?!"
"Well, I don't know! I was only trying to help!"
A few minutes go by.
"Have you looked in the hall table drawer?"
"No. Why would it be in the hall table drawer?"
"I might've put it there when I was tidying up after you..."
Notice the switch.
"After you".
I check the drawer, and there it is.
I hold it up, triumphantly.
"Oh, that!"
Obviously this blue plastic handle with a spike at the end doesn't look at all like a blue plastic handle with a spike at the end.
"Anyway...what do you want it for?"
I explain why.
"Why don't you just bang a nail in it?"
I give up....
A man phones his local collage and speaks to the receptionist, who repliesMy wife
"shall we look at cars after park run?"
Ok
hour later 2nd car
"ok well buy it"
brought within 2 hours!
Mini cooper brought!
I did drive it home!
"You'd like to book a course for your wife - that's nice"
"Oh, I didn't know we offered that - I will put you through to the department"
....
"Accounting Department"
"Oh, I didn't know we offered that, it must be new"
"Just a moment Professor Smith is right here, he's head of department , I will ask him"
"No I'm sorry we he says we don't do that"
The man turns to his wife and says
"That's it this guys a professor and even he says there's no accounting for women"
Double bonus: vaporise the payload with a heat seeking missile rather than puncture the balloon and recover the payload intact
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