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Joke Thread II
- Thread starter JBaz
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Yorkieguy
Established Member
A young man gets sent to prison for the first time. All the guys in his prison wing are old lags and have been together for some time. The young man, feeling daunted, sits down to his first prison meal with the others. They eat in silence accompanied by the usual burps, slurps and farts, except that every now and then one of them calls out a number. This is followed by chuckles, laughs and short comments like "nice one", et cetera. Then silence for a short while before somebody else calls out a different number, again followed by comments such as the above. The young man is puzzled, but wisely keeps his mouth shut.
Later that day, the young man asks his cell mate what the number calling is all about. The old lag explains that they only know twenty jokes and have told them for so long that they are numbered. To save effort, instead of telling a joke, a prisoner just calls out its number. Everybody knows what they mean.
This goes on every meal time until after a few days, the young man plucks up his courage. He wants to be accepted by these hard cases, so one breakfast during a silence he calls out "twelve". Silence. No response. He tries again: "seven". The nearest twenty faces turn towards him and eyeball him. Frightened, the young man shrivels in his seat and keeps his eyes down. He doesn't utter a peep for the rest of the day.
That evening in the relative safety of his cell, the young man asks his cell mate what he did wrong.
"Oh don't worry", his cellmate answers. "It's just the way you tell them".
Later that day, the young man asks his cell mate what the number calling is all about. The old lag explains that they only know twenty jokes and have told them for so long that they are numbered. To save effort, instead of telling a joke, a prisoner just calls out its number. Everybody knows what they mean.
This goes on every meal time until after a few days, the young man plucks up his courage. He wants to be accepted by these hard cases, so one breakfast during a silence he calls out "twelve". Silence. No response. He tries again: "seven". The nearest twenty faces turn towards him and eyeball him. Frightened, the young man shrivels in his seat and keeps his eyes down. He doesn't utter a peep for the rest of the day.
That evening in the relative safety of his cell, the young man asks his cell mate what he did wrong.
"Oh don't worry", his cellmate answers. "It's just the way you tell them".
SamG340
Established Member
There's more posts here complaining about off topic posts than there are off topic posts ! 
So this is me, posting an off topic post to complain about all the people posting off topic posts complaining about other people's off topic posts
So this is me, posting an off topic post to complain about all the people posting off topic posts complaining about other people's off topic posts
Last edited:
Vann
Established Member
A young man stops in a small town for the night. At the pub are a bunch of locals who have obviously been meeting there for many a year. The young man sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Every now and then one of the locals calls out a number. This is followed by chuckles, laughs and short comments like "nice one", et cetera. Then silence for a short while before somebody else calls out a different number, again followed by comments such as the above. The young man is puzzled.
He gestures to the barman and quietly asks what the number calling is all about. The barman explains that they have been telling the same jokes for so long that they have numbered them to save time and effort.
"21". Chuckles.
"63". A titter.
"46". Some laughs.
After around 30 minutes, the young man plucks up his courage. "72" he calls.
There's an uproar. The regulars are laughing, spilling their drinks, falling off seats, rolling on the floor.
The young man turns to the barman and says "That must be a good one"?
"Yeah" says the barman "they've never heard that one before".
He gestures to the barman and quietly asks what the number calling is all about. The barman explains that they have been telling the same jokes for so long that they have numbered them to save time and effort.
"21". Chuckles.
"63". A titter.
"46". Some laughs.
After around 30 minutes, the young man plucks up his courage. "72" he calls.
There's an uproar. The regulars are laughing, spilling their drinks, falling off seats, rolling on the floor.
The young man turns to the barman and says "That must be a good one"?
"Yeah" says the barman "they've never heard that one before".
Last night I was walking home in the dark and had to pass by the town cemetery. As I got close to the cemetery, three young women stood up from the bench they were sitting on and asked if they could walk with me. They were afraid to walk near the cemetery alone. I smiled and told them "Sure." As we walked past the cemetery gate, I said "I'll be honest with you, I used to be a bit scared of the cemetery as well when I was still alive."
I've never seen anyone run so fast.
I've never seen anyone run so fast.
niemeyjt
Established Member
Is that near the funny bone?
AES
Established Member
Nah. 'cos 'ee was laughing 'til 'ee was legless. (Hat, coat, ................ door)
Jameshow
Established Member
I picked up a hitch hiker the other day, he asked me if I wasn't scared of picking up a serial killer....nah I said what's the chance of two being in the same car together.. !
Yorkieguy
Established Member
John Brown
Freeloading Social media influenza
I believe that's the origin of the term "funny bone". It's a medical student joke.
John Brown
Freeloading Social media influenza
I love jokes that rely on a fundamental misunderstanding of oddsI picked up a hitch hiker the other day, he asked me if I wasn't scared of picking up a serial killer....nah I said what's the chance of two being in the same car together.. !
Zedgeezer
Established Member
Congratulations, you've just done my head in, or should this be posted in the off topic thread. Oh. I think have?
SamG340
Established Member
I'm not even going to try to describe your post .. let alone mine !
Kittyhawk
Established Member
A young woman, the daughter of the owner of a NZ high country sheep station is boarding in the big city and attending the university. She meets up with a young man and as the romance blossoms decides its time she took him home to meet the family.
This they do and arrive on Sunday just in time for lunch. Sunday lunch is a traditionally gargantuan affair, a huge table laden with food and surrounded by parents, uncles and aunts, nephews, the farm managers...even one of the farm dogs thats allowed inside takes his place under the boyfriend's chair in the hope that he'll be a soft touch for a handout.
First up is a creamy pumpkin soup. City boy's intestines are not used to such sumptuous fare and a little fart ensues whereupon the farmer leans sideways in his chair, lifts the tablecloth and says 'git out of it, dog!' Relieved at not being thought responsible, city boy tucks into the main course which results in another, louder report. Again the farmer leans sideways in his chair, lifts the table cloth and shouts 'git out of it, dog!' Dessert arrives, a rich home made chocolate cake smothered in cream and this results in yet another explosive outburst that is really heading up the decibel scale. Once again, the farmer leans sideways in his chair, lifts the tablecloth and roars 'git out of it dog, before he sh!ts on yer.'
As it happens, city boy has an uncle living on the station, a retired shepherd living alone in a shepherds hut 10 miles up the track so later in the day he borrows one of the farm's quad bikes to pay the old man a visit.
Uncle is delighted to see his almost unknown nephew and insists that he stays for dinner. 'I'll make us a stew,' he says. 'Pass me down the pot.' Nephew reaches for the battered old enamel pot, looks inside and says, 'Uncle, is this pot clean?' Uncle replies ' Boy, there's no electricity or other luxuries up here but that pot's as clean as cold water can get it'
With the stew bubbling away on the wood stove, uncle asks for a couple of plates. Again nephew asks, 'Uncle, are these plates clean?'
'Like I told you son, those plates are as clean as cold water can get 'em.'
As they finish their meal the door creaks open a little and uncle's mangy old dog pokes his nose inside.
'Cold water!' shouts uncle. 'Git back outside!'
This they do and arrive on Sunday just in time for lunch. Sunday lunch is a traditionally gargantuan affair, a huge table laden with food and surrounded by parents, uncles and aunts, nephews, the farm managers...even one of the farm dogs thats allowed inside takes his place under the boyfriend's chair in the hope that he'll be a soft touch for a handout.
First up is a creamy pumpkin soup. City boy's intestines are not used to such sumptuous fare and a little fart ensues whereupon the farmer leans sideways in his chair, lifts the tablecloth and says 'git out of it, dog!' Relieved at not being thought responsible, city boy tucks into the main course which results in another, louder report. Again the farmer leans sideways in his chair, lifts the table cloth and shouts 'git out of it, dog!' Dessert arrives, a rich home made chocolate cake smothered in cream and this results in yet another explosive outburst that is really heading up the decibel scale. Once again, the farmer leans sideways in his chair, lifts the tablecloth and roars 'git out of it dog, before he sh!ts on yer.'
As it happens, city boy has an uncle living on the station, a retired shepherd living alone in a shepherds hut 10 miles up the track so later in the day he borrows one of the farm's quad bikes to pay the old man a visit.
Uncle is delighted to see his almost unknown nephew and insists that he stays for dinner. 'I'll make us a stew,' he says. 'Pass me down the pot.' Nephew reaches for the battered old enamel pot, looks inside and says, 'Uncle, is this pot clean?' Uncle replies ' Boy, there's no electricity or other luxuries up here but that pot's as clean as cold water can get it'
With the stew bubbling away on the wood stove, uncle asks for a couple of plates. Again nephew asks, 'Uncle, are these plates clean?'
'Like I told you son, those plates are as clean as cold water can get 'em.'
As they finish their meal the door creaks open a little and uncle's mangy old dog pokes his nose inside.
'Cold water!' shouts uncle. 'Git back outside!'
Billy burglar breaks into a very posh house one dark night. He carefully levers open the French windows, enters and slides them shut again. As he tiptoes across the plush carpet he is startled by a strange voice:
"Jesus and me are watching you".
He freezes momentarily, and then peers around in the gloom. "Funny", he thinks, "there's nobody here. I must be imagining things". After a short pause, he begins tiptoeing again. He goes across to a very expensive wooden cabinet and with his gloved hands starts feeling around it, considering the best way to lever it open.
"I told you! Jesus and me are watching you".
This time he is really scared. He feels panic rising with the bile from his stomach, but forces it down. He flicks on a pencil torch and carefully shines it around the room, looking for whoever spoke. Nobody there. Puzzled, he notices a large bird cage in the corner of the room with a parrot sat inside it. The parrot is eyeballing him with a single beady eye. Slowly, Billy slides across the carpet until he is almost eye to eye with the parrot.
"Was that you?" Billy whispers.
"Yes", said the parrot. "And Jesus and me are watching you", he warns.
Billy lets out a sigh of relief. Coming down from his nerves he says the first thing that comes into his head.
"What's your name?"
"Marmaduke", said the parrot. "And Jesus and me are watching you".
"Marmaduke? That's a stupid name for a parrot!" Billy snorts.
"Yes", the parrot said. "But not half as stupid as Jesus the rottweiler".
"Jesus and me are watching you".
He freezes momentarily, and then peers around in the gloom. "Funny", he thinks, "there's nobody here. I must be imagining things". After a short pause, he begins tiptoeing again. He goes across to a very expensive wooden cabinet and with his gloved hands starts feeling around it, considering the best way to lever it open.
"I told you! Jesus and me are watching you".
This time he is really scared. He feels panic rising with the bile from his stomach, but forces it down. He flicks on a pencil torch and carefully shines it around the room, looking for whoever spoke. Nobody there. Puzzled, he notices a large bird cage in the corner of the room with a parrot sat inside it. The parrot is eyeballing him with a single beady eye. Slowly, Billy slides across the carpet until he is almost eye to eye with the parrot.
"Was that you?" Billy whispers.
"Yes", said the parrot. "And Jesus and me are watching you", he warns.
Billy lets out a sigh of relief. Coming down from his nerves he says the first thing that comes into his head.
"What's your name?"
"Marmaduke", said the parrot. "And Jesus and me are watching you".
"Marmaduke? That's a stupid name for a parrot!" Billy snorts.
"Yes", the parrot said. "But not half as stupid as Jesus the rottweiler".
Blackswanwood
Still Learning
Doug B
Shy Tot
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