Joke Thread 5

[Robbo3]

Only in North America

Only in North America...
can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...

Only in North America...
are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...

Only in North America...
do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...

Only in North America...
do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...

Only in North America...
do people leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

Only in North America...
do people use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so they won't miss a call from someone they didn't want to talk to in the first place...

Only in North America...
do people buy hot dogs in packs of ten and buns in packs of eight...

Only in North America...
do people use the word "politics" to describe the process so well:
"Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"

 

[Doug B]

 

[Jaco]

View attachment 198790

Is this a Trump creation!

 

[Jaco]

Shingles
A guy walks into the doctors office and the receptionist asked what he had.
He said "Shingles".
So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to take a seat.
A few minutes later a nurses aid came out and asked what he had.....
He said "Shingles".
So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history,
and told him to wait in the examination room...
Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked what he had..
He said "Shingles".
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram
and told him to take off his clothing and wait for the doctor......
Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had..
He said "Shingles".
The doctor said "Where???"
He said "I have them outside, in the back of me truck. Where do you want them???"

 

[Jaco]

An extraordinarily handsome and wealthy businessman decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman, so they could produce beautiful children beyond comparison...........
With that as his mission, he began searching for the perfect woman....
Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunningly gorgeous daughters,
that positively took his breathe away......
So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer siply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place...
Look 'em over an pick the one you want..."
The man dated the first daughter........ Next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion...,
"Well!!!" said the man, "she's just a wee bit, not that you could notice,... pigeon toed!!"
The farmer nodded and suggested that he date one of the other girls;
so the man went out with the second daughter....
The next day, the farmer asked how things went...
"Well," the man replied, " she's just a bit, not that you could tell....cross eyed!!!"
The farmer nodded and suggested that he date the third girl to see if things might be better.
So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,
"She's perfect, just perfect..... She's one I want to marry...
So they were wed right away.
Months later the baby was born.... When the man visited the Nursery,
he was horrified: the infant was the most ugly baby you could imagine.....
He rushed to the father-in-law, asking how could such a thing could happen,
considering the beauty of the parents...
"Well" explained the farmer, "She was just a wee bit, not that you could tell...
Pregnant when you met her."

 

[Phil Pascoe]

View attachment 198886

Many years ago at Xmas my wife had a monstrous hangover. She asked my nephew, who was about three or four at the time to get a glass of water, which he did. A while later she asked again, and he fetched one. Another four or five glasses, the glasses were getting smaller. She asked for a full glass and he said he couldn't get a glass full as there wasn't enough in the bowl. He'd been filling it from the dog's bowl.

 

[Cozzer]

Simple Simon looked miserable. Worse, day by day.
His workmate had a chat with him one lunchtime...
"We're all a bit worried about you, pal. Goodish job, not bad pay, holiday time to look forward to....and you're newly married. What's up? Want to talk about it?"
Simon sighed...
"Well....my wife is superb...cooking...looking after the house...patient...couldn't wish for more, really...but....."
"Well, if it ain't money problems, my money's on the bedroom causing the aggro?"
Simon looked awkward.
"It's just got a bit....er.....boring, frankly I've suggested role play, but that didn't appeal. Video's are no-no's, apparently. Various "aids" are refused..."
"Hmmmm....try something different? How about....er....flipping her over....y'know....just for a change?"
Simon gasped.
"What?! And risk her getting pregnant?!"

 

[Doug B]

 

[TRITON]

Many years ago at Xmas my wife had a monstrous hangover. She asked my nephew, who was about three or four at the time to get a glass of water, which he did. A while later she asked again, and he fetched one. Another four or five glasses, the glasses were getting smaller. She asked for a full glass and he said he couldn't get a glass full as there wasn't enough in the bowl. He'd been filling it from the dog's bowl.

Similar -
Visiting an uncle with M&D, I was about 10 or 11. My job was to make the three of them a cup of tea.
I was quite buoyed up about being allowed, kettle etc so filled kettle and on to boil, select 3 mugs, added milk just the sugar. Bowl was empty.

In the cupboard i did find some granulated white stuff, so refilled the sugar bowl and everyone got 2 teaspoonfuls
All took a sip and sprayed tea across the table.

Apparently the granulated stuff i used was salt.

 

[bushwhaker]

How it all started

 

[The_Yellow_Ardvark]

 

[Yorkieguy]

 

[Yorkieguy]

 

[Yorkieguy]

 

[Yorkieguy]

 

[dzj]

 

[Jaco]

One day in Canada, a truck driver stops for a red light,
a Blonde who is in the car behind, catches up.
She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the truck door....
The truck driver lowers the window, she says,
"Hi my names Heather and you're losing some of your load!!"..
The truck driver ignores her, and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light,
the blonde girl catches up again.............
She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the truck door....
Again the driver lowers the window.. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly
"Hi my names Heather and you're losing some of your load!!"..
Shaking his head, the truck driver ignores her again, and continues down the street....
At the third set of red lights, the same thing happens again...
At the next set of lights, the driver hurriedly gets out of his truck,
and runs back to the blonde...
He knocks on the window, as she lowers it, he says;
"Hi my names Kevin, it's winter in Canada and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

 

[Jaco]

Court prosecutor to medical doctor in the witness box....

cp: So you say Mr Blenkinsop was dead?

md: Yes.

cp: Did you test his pulse?

md: No.

cp: Did you check he was breathing?

md: No.

cp: So how do you know he was dead?

md: Because his brain was in a jar on my desk.

cp: Yes, but if you didn't check his pulse or breathing, how can you be so sure he was dead?

md: Well, I suppose he could have been up and about practising law somewhere...

 

[Jaco]

 

[Dauph]

Can someone please tell me how to disable my carbon monoxide detector?
The constant bleeping is giving me a headache and making me nauseous!