Joke Thread 5

[Fergie 307]

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy,

"Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City".

Saint Peter consults his list.

He smiles and says to the taxi driver

"Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom".

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it's the minister's turn.

He stands erect and booms out "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years".

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister

"Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom".

"Just a minute," says the minister.

"That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter.

"While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed".

Any Naples taxi driver must get the silk robe and a diamond studded staff !

 

[ColinDeVelen]

This may well get removed, but, I will give it a try.
Mr Musk must not be aware that keks, as well as its current uses, is also slang for underpants in the UK.
So he is now maximum underpants... made my new years day that did

 

[Cordy]

Giving Sadiq Khan the title 'Sir'

is like giving Tommy Robinson the title 'Ayatollah'

 

[The_Yellow_Ardvark]

 

[Geoff_S]

Giving Sadiq Khan the title 'Sir'

is like giving Tommy Robinson the title 'Ayatollah'

I’ve heard he’s now a knight mayor.

 

[artie]

.

 

[Jaco]

was at the checkout of a local Walmart.
The cashier rang up $46.64 charges.
I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64.
I gave the money back to her and told her that she
had made a mistake in MY favour.
She became indignant and informed me she was educated and
knew what she was doing, and she returned the money again.
I gave her the money back -- same scenario!
I departed the store with the $46.64.
They Walk Among Us! .....

I walked into a Starbucks with a
buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte.
I handed it to the girl and she looked over at
a little chalkboard that said 'buy one-get one free.'
"They're already buy-one- get-one-free," she said,
"so I guess they're both free."
She handed me my free lattes, and I walked out the door.
They Walk Among Us! .....

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends,
when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!"
Someone looked up at the sky and asked, "Where?"
They Walk Among Us! .....

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent
which direction was north; because, he explained,
he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East,
and has for sometime; she shook her head and said,
"Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff."
They Walk Among Us!! .....

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center.
One day I got a call from an individual who asked
what hours the call center was open.
I told him, "The number you dialed is open
24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
They Walk Among Us! .....

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped.
She keeps it in the trunk.
They Walk Among Us! .....

My friends and I went out to buy beer and noticed
that the cases were discounted 10%.
Since it was a big party, we bought two cases.
The cashier multiplied two times 10%
and gave us a 20% discount.
They Walk Among Us! .....

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area,
so I went to the lost luggage office and
told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because
she was a trained professional, and I was in good hands.
"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
So I replied, "No Ma'am, The Pilot told us we're circling the airport, 3rd in line to land" .....
They Walk Among Us! .....

While working at a pizza place, I observed
a man ordering a small pizza to go.
He appeared to be alone, and the cook asked him
if he would like it cut into four pieces or six..
He thought about it for some time before responding.
"Just cut it into four pieces.
I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat six pieces."
Yep, they walk among us;
and worse yet, the really scary part is......
THEY REPRODUCE!!!!!

 

[Sachakins]

and worse yet, the really scary part is......
THEY REPRODUCE!!!!!

Yep, and I often wonder how the manage that too

 

[trvlr]

was at the checkout of a local Walmart.
The cashier rang up $46.64 charges.
I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64.
I gave the money back to her and told her that she
had made a mistake in MY favour.
She became indignant and informed me she was educated and
knew what she was doing, and she returned the money again.
I gave her the money back -- same scenario!
I departed the store with the $46.64.
They Walk Among Us! .....

I walked into a Starbucks with a
buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte.
I handed it to the girl and she looked over at
a little chalkboard that said 'buy one-get one free.'
"They're already buy-one- get-one-free," she said,
"so I guess they're both free."
She handed me my free lattes, and I walked out the door.
They Walk Among Us! .....

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends,
when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!"
Someone looked up at the sky and asked, "Where?"
They Walk Among Us! .....

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent
which direction was north; because, he explained,
he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East,
and has for sometime; she shook her head and said,
"Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff."
They Walk Among Us!! .....

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center.
One day I got a call from an individual who asked
what hours the call center was open.
I told him, "The number you dialed is open
24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
They Walk Among Us! .....

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped.
She keeps it in the trunk.
They Walk Among Us! .....

My friends and I went out to buy beer and noticed
that the cases were discounted 10%.
Since it was a big party, we bought two cases.
The cashier multiplied two times 10%
and gave us a 20% discount.
They Walk Among Us! .....

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area,
so I went to the lost luggage office and
told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because
she was a trained professional, and I was in good hands.
"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
So I replied, "No Ma'am, The Pilot told us we're circling the airport, 3rd in line to land" .....
They Walk Among Us! .....

While working at a pizza place, I observed
a man ordering a small pizza to go.
He appeared to be alone, and the cook asked him
if he would like it cut into four pieces or six..
He thought about it for some time before responding.
"Just cut it into four pieces.
I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat six pieces."
Yep, they walk among us;
and worse yet, the really scary part is......
THEY REPRODUCE!!!!!

made my day some of the these... One does wonder how the human race has gotten this far at times...

 

[Phil Pascoe]

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped.
She keeps it in the trunk.
They Walk Among Us! .....


My friends had fishing boats, one day they were discussing lifejackets. One said he had one that was the mutt's nuts. it had automatic inflation, a flare, a whistle, a tracker, you name it. Where is it? asked the other. Home on top the wardrobe - it was expensive and I don't want to get it dirty.

 

[Thingybob]

If

Yep, and I often wonder how the manage that too

If they couldn't how would parliament function

 

[Cozzer]

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped.
She keeps it in the trunk.
They Walk Among Us! .....


My friends had fishing boats, one day they were discussing lifejackets. One said he had one that was the mutt's nuts. it had automatic inflation, a flare, a whistle, a tracker, you name it. Where is it? asked the other. Home on top the wardrobe - it was expensive and I don't want to get it dirty.

(Apologies if I've entered this before, but.....)

My late mother-in-law used to have me change lightbulbs for new ones, because "these've been in for a while".
I tried to explain that the new ones were just as likely to fail as the old ones five minutes after I left, but she wouldn't have it....
Later in her life, she used a wind-up torch overnight to find the toilet, rather than "risk a lightbulb failing..."
There was also the kitchen....one bulb had to be 60w, the other 100w.
Why?
They were the sizes that were fitted when she'd moved in, 30-odd years before....

 

[niemeyjt]

I’ve heard he’s now a knight mayor.

He's the shortest knight.

 

[Yorkieguy]

 

[Yorkieguy]

 

[Yorkieguy]

 

[Yorkieguy]

 

[Yorkieguy]

 

[Yorkieguy]

 

[Yorkieguy]