Joke Thread 5
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The_Yellow_Ardvark
Established Member
Jaco
Established Member
Scene: The billiard room in the Regimental Mess of an African outpost in the days of the Empire. The Colonel of the regiment is playing billiards with his ADC.
ADC. "Have you heard about young Farquaharson?"
Colonel, about to pot a red, pauses. "Farquaharson? Farquaharson? Oh! You mean young Freddie Farquaharson of the Fighting Forty Fourth".
ADC. "That's the chap".
Col. "No. What about him?"
ADC. "Apparently he's gorn native."
Col. "Gorn native! Young Farquaharson! What do you mean?"
ADC "It's reported he's living in the jungle, naked, up a tree with a gorilla."
Col. "Young Farquaharson! Naked up a tree with a gorilla! Is it a male or a female gorilla?"
ADC. "Oh, female. There's nothing strange about young Farquaharson."
ADC. "Have you heard about young Farquaharson?"
Colonel, about to pot a red, pauses. "Farquaharson? Farquaharson? Oh! You mean young Freddie Farquaharson of the Fighting Forty Fourth".
ADC. "That's the chap".
Col. "No. What about him?"
ADC. "Apparently he's gorn native."
Col. "Gorn native! Young Farquaharson! What do you mean?"
ADC "It's reported he's living in the jungle, naked, up a tree with a gorilla."
Col. "Young Farquaharson! Naked up a tree with a gorilla! Is it a male or a female gorilla?"
ADC. "Oh, female. There's nothing strange about young Farquaharson."
Happens quite a lot! I just pass them by. But I do wonder at the intelligence of the repeat offender!
Jaco
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DrPhill
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flying haggis
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Robbo3
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Proud 2 b british!
Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.
And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign.
Oh and......
Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.
Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in Britain... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.
NOT TO MENTION...
3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.
British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.
101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.
18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of Control Scalextric cars.
In 2000 eight Brits were taken to hospital after cracking their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.
Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.
And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign.
Oh and......
Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.
Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in Britain... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.
NOT TO MENTION...
3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.
British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.
101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.
18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of Control Scalextric cars.
In 2000 eight Brits were taken to hospital after cracking their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.
Jaco
Established Member
Angry wife: “I should have married the devil, he would make a better husband than you.”
Husband: “They would have arrested you. Marriage between relatives is illegal in this country.”
**************************************************
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.
He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the toy."
**************************************************
I couldn’t undo the buttons on my sweater so I tried pulling it over my head but it got stuck......
I’m at the hospital now, waiting to see a cardyologist.......
*************************************************
I once got into so much debt that
I couldn't even afford to pay my electricity bills.
They were the darkest days of my life.
*************************************************
Cost me a damn fortune this week, my Facebook went down so I had to phone everyone to see what they were having for tea...
***************************************************
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway.
After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.
Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand.
"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.
We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $250.
Husband: “They would have arrested you. Marriage between relatives is illegal in this country.”
**************************************************
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.
He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the toy."
**************************************************
I couldn’t undo the buttons on my sweater so I tried pulling it over my head but it got stuck......
I’m at the hospital now, waiting to see a cardyologist.......
*************************************************
I once got into so much debt that
I couldn't even afford to pay my electricity bills.
They were the darkest days of my life.
*************************************************
Cost me a damn fortune this week, my Facebook went down so I had to phone everyone to see what they were having for tea...
***************************************************
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway.
After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.
Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand.
"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.
We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $250.
Jaco
Established Member
bushwhaker
Established Member
Doug B
Shy Tot
Yorkieguy
Established Member
Jaco
Established Member
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy,
"Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City".
Saint Peter consults his list.
He smiles and says to the taxi driver
"Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom".
The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next, it's the minister's turn.
He stands erect and booms out "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years".
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister
"Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom".
"Just a minute," says the minister.
"That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter.
"While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed".
Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy,
"Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City".
Saint Peter consults his list.
He smiles and says to the taxi driver
"Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom".
The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next, it's the minister's turn.
He stands erect and booms out "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years".
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister
"Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom".
"Just a minute," says the minister.
"That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter.
"While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed".
Doug B
Shy Tot
Yorkieguy
Established Member
Yorkieguy
Established Member
Yorkieguy
Established Member
Yorkieguy
Established Member
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