Joke Thread 5

[Vulcan]

 

[Jaco]

My wife sent me a text that said, "Your Great"

So, naturally, I wrote back, "No, you're great."

She's been walking around all day happy and smiling.

Should I tell her I was just correcting her grammar or leave it????

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"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend Mike."

"Since when was Mike your best friend???"

"Since yesterday???"

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"I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes, so she hugged me???"

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Saw a flying saucer today.
It appeared right after the flying cup my wife threw at me.

 

[Jaco]

 

[Jaco]

 

[Doug B]

 

[selectortone]

"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend Mike."

"Since when was Mike your best friend???"

"Since yesterday???"

My wife ran off with the dog. God, I miss that dog.

 

[bushwhaker]

 

[Doug B]

 

[Jaco]

Two "old codgers" are sitting on a park bench when a jogette trots past, one old codgers says to the other,
"I still get excited when I see one of those,...... I just can't remember why".

 

[Doug B]

 

[dzj]

 

[Cozzer]

View attachment 194718

I saw GB's Air Force at a festival in Plumpton (Lewes?) very early 70's...he did a circa 20 minute drum solo that was probably the most boring thing I've ever seen...

Edit to correct memory : Jethro Tull's opening night, London somewhere, for "Passion Play". The auditorium went black to huge cheers....a single pre-recorded bass drum beat sounded through the PA....a tiny white dot was projected on to the screen behind the stage. Every beat of the drum resulted in the tiny white dot slowly increasing in size...
I can't remember how long it took for the dot to fill the screen...too bloody long, whatever. 30 minutes? Maybe longer...
We expected Ian Anderson et al to leap on the stage at that point....but no...
Every drum beat now resulted in the now-massive "dot" to start shrinking in size down to the original size....another 30 minutes?

If that wasn't bad enough, "Passion Play" was probably the worst music Tull ever wrote...

 

[Doug B]

 

[Blackswanwood]

 

[Doug B]

 

[Robbo3]

Judy got married and had 13 children. Her first husband Ted died of cancer.

She married again, and with Bob she had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident 12 years later.

Judy again remarried,.... and this time she and John had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend Margaret: "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied:...."I think he means her legs, Ethel..."

 

[Cozzer]

Just spotted our local cross-dresser out walking his poodle.
We exchanged seasonal greetings, and he followed up saying that it was a chance to "Eat, Drink and be Mary..."


Crappy Histmas, everyone.

 

[Stan]

They met in a bar. She was very much taken by how handsome and witty he was. When he invited her to his flat for coffee, she gladly accepted. One thing led to another, and as he led her into the bedroom she was struck by the rows of soft toys on shelves against one wall. There were smaller toys on the bottom shelf, leading to large ones at the very top.
"How wonderful", she thought, "that he is in touch with his sensitive side".

Afterwards he asked her "how was it for you?". Her heart soared. He cared. Could he be "the one"?
"Wonderful", she replied. "How about you?"

"Not bad, not bad", he said. "Take any toy you like from the middle shelf".

 

[Doug B]

 

[kinverkid]

Son:" Dad can you tell me what a solar eclipse is "
Dad: " No sun "