Joke Thread 5

[Cozzer]

View attachment 194458

I notice the bloke's already got his testicles in a spring clamp....

 

[Robbo3]

An Ode to 'Fifty Shades of Grey' - A husband's point of view.
John Summers (not Pam Ayres)

The missus bought a Paperback
down Shepton, Saturday,
I had a look in her bag;
...T’was “Fifty Shades of Grey”.

Well I just left her to it,
...At ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread…

In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down on the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn’t weathered well;
She’s eighty four next week.

Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
Things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled up upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said...
I must dominate her!!

Now if you knew our Mabel,
You’d see just why I spluttered,
I’d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I’d muttered.

She stood there nude, naked like;
Bent forward just a bit ….
I thought oh well, what the hell,
and stood on her left tit!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
“Step on the other one!”

Well readers, I can’t tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of Grey.

 

[Doug B]

 

[kinverkid]

 

[Doug B]

 

[Blackswanwood]

 

[RobinBHM]

last night I date a date with Destiny

it was a bit disappointing because a 40 year old bloke called Des Tiny turned up

 

[RobinBHM]

Ive been going out with a woman that is one of those "part time Vegans" you know the ones that eat meat sometimes.

Her name is Megan

 

[Sachakins]

We now have multitudes of gender.
But still have a single human race.
We have so many variants, it's a disgrace.
But at the end of the day, to procreate,
We still need a keyhole and a key.
The right key in the wrong keyhole just makes a chocolate éclair.
It makes neither a he or her.....

 

[SammyQ]

We now have multitudes of gender.
But still have a single human race.
We have so many variants, it's a disgrace.
But at the end of the day, to procreate,
We still need a keyhole and a key.
The right key in the wrong keyhole just makes a chocolate éclair.
It makes neither a he or her.....

In started well...

 

[Doug B]

 

[Phill05]

In started well...

You do mean the human race.

 

[SammyQ]

You do mean the human race.

Chuckle! I intended commenting on the "pome" but you are perfectly, ironically, correct. Nice one.

 

[Doug B]

 

[RobinBHM]

 

[Jaco]

A pair of Kiwi blokes visiting Aus' one got knocked down by a car, his mate rings 000.
Operator: what is the emergency?
Kiwi: me mate's been hit by a car and is badly injured.
Operator: what is your location please?
Kiwi: Eucalyptus Street.
Operator: How do you spell that please?
Kiwi: puffing, panting, groaning
Operator: Sir are you there?...Sir...Hello...........(this goes on for about two minutes)
Kiwi: Sorry about that, I can't spell Eucalyptus so I've dragged him round the corner to Oak Street.

 

[Doug B]

 

[John Brown]

I once worked with a chap who had been born in a barn. I'd swear he used to leave doors open on purpose, just so that people would ask him, and then he say, "well, as it happens I was" and tell some convoluted story about his birth.

 

[Jaco]

 

[Doug B]