Joke Thread 5

[GuitardoctorW7]

P.S. I've opened 3 birthday cards and I'm already $150 up.

I love being a postman.

That would be funny except I've just had €200 stolen from a Xmas card meant for my in Laws, and yes I know I shouldn't post money but the card was in a Jiffy bag and I'd paid special delivery.

 

[Jaco]

The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $500.”
The female teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $5,000, please use the ATM.”
The old lady then asked, “Why?”
The teller irritably told her, “These are rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a queue behind you.”
She then returned the card to the old lady.
The old lady remained silent… but then she returned the card to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”
The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and said to the old lady, “My apologies Granny, you have $3.5 million in your account and our bank does not have so much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?”
The old lady then asked, “How much am I able to withdraw now?”
The teller told her, “Any amount up to $300,000”
The old lady then told the teller that she wanted to withdraw $300,000 from her account.
The teller did so quickly and handed it to the old lady respectfully.
The old lady kept $500 in her bag and asked the teller to deposit the balance of $299,500 back into her account.
Don't be difficult with old people... we can outwit the young and dumb.

 

[Jaco]

I was out on this date with a young lady,
when I asked "Do you spit or swallow?"
She slapped my face and stormed off.....
I'm never taking anyone wine tasting again!!!!

 

[Jaco]

An Irishman goes to the doctor, who after examining him says


“You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay.


“So the doctor gives the man the tablets and the patient asks,


“Do I have to take them every day?”


No,” replies the doctor, “take one on the Monday, skip the Tuesday, take one on the Wednesday, skip the Thursday and go on like that.


“Two weeks later the doctor is walking down the street, and he sees the patient’s wife.“Hello Mrs Murphy,” he says, “how’s your husband?”


“Oh he died of a heart attack,” says Mrs Murphy.


“I’m very sorry to hear that,” says the doctor, “I thought if he took those tablets he would be all right.”


“Oh the tablets were fine,” says Mrs Murphy,


“It was all the bloody skipping that killed him!”


…………..


Old man Murphy and old man Sean were contemplating life when Murphy asked, “If you had to get one or the other would you rather get Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s?


”Sure, I rather have Parkinson’s”, replied Sean


“’Tis better to spill a couple of ounces of Jameson whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!”

 

[Jaco]

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang
at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone,
listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles
from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'


The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'


SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror
and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'


The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'


So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'


THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and
buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the
door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really
angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is
overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.


The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'


FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'


A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?'
The blonde replies,'Oh, that's easy .. it's W.'


FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'


SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US
Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what
Roe vs. Wade was about.


Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision
George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware.'


SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,
and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.


As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde
ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then
sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come
home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do
they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'

 

[Stan]

Call handler: hello, ambulance emergency. Is the patient breathing?

Woman: (scared), err, I've just shot my husband.

Call handler: ok. Stay calm. We need to check if he is dead.

Woman: oh... just a moment...

(Pause)

<<< BANG >>>

(Pause)

Woman: he is now.....