Joke Thread 5

[Blackswanwood]

 

[Blackswanwood]

 

[Robbo3]

That's taking the p............ roverbial.

 

[Yorkieguy]

You forgot thrupennies and ha'pennies. Just sayin'.
Kent wafers and jam gollies, doing your own tappets, oil changes and wheel bearings. Teachers could, and did, torture you with the cane. Phone lines were shared ( interesting.. ). Wet Willy was a (poor) beer and the test card ruled supreme. Polio lads and lasses with their calipers were common and parcels from catalogues took at least 10 days to get to you.

As to the cane, I went to an inner city school in Nottingham, where the teachers use a strap (known as a ‘tawse’). The teachers bullied the kids, and the kids bullied each other. One way to not get bullied was to wind up the meanest teachers and get strapped. All you needed to do was to gaze out of the window. When the strap come down scared kids lowered their hand, showing their weakness as a target for bullying. Defiant kids move their hand up, which annoyed the teachers, but earned kudos among classmates.

We didn’t carried knives - just a dart with the tip dipped in dog poo. Anyone who fancied themselves as a bully got a *** in their thigh, which swelled up like a balloon.

I enjoyed all topics at school, but if you shown any keenness - for example, if you shot your hand up to answer a question, the chances are that the teacher would say ‘all right professor - we know you’ve got the answer - what about you boy’ and he pick on a dimwit trying not to be notice. Hence, demotivating one kid will upsetting another - two birds with one stone.

The last thing you wanted to be noted for was being a ‘swot’.

Wasted years.

I was always told it sounded better saying 19s and 6p than £20 psychological cheeper now a days 99p ie £19.99p

Petrol & diesel. Is sold in a currency that doesn’t exist - 0.9p.

EG: £1.49.9p

As to ‘thrupenny bits’ we used to call them ‘joeys’.

(I was 32 when decimal currency came in, in 1971)

 

[dzj]

 

[Jaco]

I went swimming today.
Took a pee in the deep end.
Lifeguard noticed and blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in.

 

[gwaithcoed]

Apparently if a man pees in the water it turns blue and a woman it turns red.
My wife and I came down the water chute and set off to the deep end together and I kid you not it looked like the red arrows.

 

[Doug B]

 

[Jaco]

Since everyone started washing their hands -

- the peanuts at the bar have lost their flavour.

 

[niemeyjt]

A new shop has just opened in the town centre - aimed at electricians and the highly intelligent.

Its called Sparks and Mensa.

 

[Phil Pascoe]

Since everyone started washing their hands -

- the peanuts at the bar have lost their flavour.

Years ago there was a check done on free peanuts on bars - they found an average of thirteen urine traces every bowl.

 

[Jaco]

 

[fezman]

No words necessary

 

[The_Yellow_Ardvark]

 

[artie]

Not really a joke, more an observation.

 

[Doug B]

 

[ey_tony]

 

[Doug B]

 

[Amateur]

Pre-decimal currency - prior to Feb 1971, back in the days of 'tanners and bobs' (sixpences and shillings):

‘TANNERS AND BOBS’ . . . for those too young to have lived through it:

Back in the days of tanners and bobs,
When Mothers had patience and Fathers had jobs.
When football team families wore hand me down shoes,
And T.V gave only two channels to choose.

Back in the days of threepenny bits,
when schools employed nurses to search for your nits.
When snowballs were harmless; ice slides were permitted
and all of your jumpers were warm and hand knitted.

Back in the days of hot ginger beers,
when children remained so for more than six years.
When children respected what older folks said,
and pot was a thing you kept under your bed.

Back in the days of Listen with Mother,
when neighbours were friendly and talked to each other.

When cars were so rare you could play in the street.
When Doctors made house calls; Police walked the beat.

Back in the days of Milligan's Goons,
when butter was butter and songs all had tunes.

It was dumplings for dinner and trifle for tea,
and your annual break was a day by the sea.

Back in the days of Dixon's Dock Green,
Crackerjack pens and Lyon’s ice cream.
When children could freely wear National Health glasses,
and teachers all stood at the FRONT of their classes.

Back in the days of rocking and reeling,
when mobiles were things that you hung from the ceiling.
When woodwork and pottery got taught in schools,
and everyone dreamed of a win on the pools.

Back in the days when I was a lad,
I can't help but smile for the fun that I had.
Hopscotch and roller skates; snowballs to lob.
Back in the days of tanners and

Ahhhh the days when the Pakistanis in our town took pride at people calling them Pakis as a term of endearment and community welcome.
All three of them.
And where any ladies down the pub or workplace that were spoken to, like Gregg Wallace does, casually smacked in the jaw with an uppercut and finished off with a hard right foot kick in the goolies, laying them out lifeless on the soggy beer drenched carpet.
So many memories.

 

[Steve Thomas]

View attachment 193353

View attachment 193353

I have a lovely glass one I keep flowers in.