Joke Thread 5
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Yorkieguy
Established Member
Doug B
Shy Tot
Robbo3
Established Member
A Dark and Stormy Night..
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.
An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He bursts in and shouts to his master:
"Master, Master! ....... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.
An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He bursts in and shouts to his master:
"Master, Master! ....... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
Jaco
Established Member
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, Looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is
broken, His face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little ****, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, Didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of Beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
broken, His face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little ****, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, Didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of Beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
Doug B
Shy Tot
Yorkieguy
Established Member
Yorkieguy
Established Member
Yorkieguy
Established Member
Yorkieguy
Established Member
Yorkieguy
Established Member
Marvelous! All the better for being well written in the vernacular!
Blackswanwood
Still Learning
Here's one for the Polish speakers. I made this up myself, and it never ceases to amaze me that when I tell it to a Pole, I always get a genuine laugh:
What do you say to Jim when he leaves the door open in the winter?
Zim, NO!
(I'll get me coat. "zimno" is Polish for "cold", the "zim" bit when said by a Pole always sounds like Jim)
What do you say to Jim when he leaves the door open in the winter?
Zim, NO!
(I'll get me coat. "zimno" is Polish for "cold", the "zim" bit when said by a Pole always sounds like Jim)
A nurse rushes into the doctor's treatment room, close to panic.
Nurse: "Doctor, doctor! That man you just treated has collapsed and died in the doorway on his way out".
Doctor: "Quick. Turn him round so it looks like he's just arriving".
Nurse: "Doctor, doctor! That man you just treated has collapsed and died in the doorway on his way out".
Doctor: "Quick. Turn him round so it looks like he's just arriving".
Robbo3
Established Member
Yes, I know I've posted this before!
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
‘Jesus knows you’re here.’
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,
‘Jesus is watching you.’
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
‘ Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot?
‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you “that he is watching you.’
The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’
‘Moses,’ replied the bird.
‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’
‘The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.’
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
‘Jesus knows you’re here.’
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,
‘Jesus is watching you.’
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
‘ Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot?
‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you “that he is watching you.’
The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’
‘Moses,’ replied the bird.
‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’
‘The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.’
Jaco
Established Member
A police officer is on patrol in the City centre in the early hours of the morning and hears a noise from an alley he's passing.
He flicks on his torch and walks down the alley, he finds two men, one bent over with his trousers and underwear around his ankles and the other has inserted two fingers where the sun doesn't shine.
"And just what the hell do you think you two are doing in a public place?" asks the copper.
"It's OK offisher" slurs the inebriated finger inserter, "my mates had far too much too drink, hic, so I'm jush making him throw up so he's shober enuff to walk home!"
"You must think I was born yesterday,sticking two fingers up his jacksie is hardly going to make him sick is it" Replies the officer.
"AHHH" says the fingering drunk " but when I takes em out and shoves em down is froat it will!"
He flicks on his torch and walks down the alley, he finds two men, one bent over with his trousers and underwear around his ankles and the other has inserted two fingers where the sun doesn't shine.
"And just what the hell do you think you two are doing in a public place?" asks the copper.
"It's OK offisher" slurs the inebriated finger inserter, "my mates had far too much too drink, hic, so I'm jush making him throw up so he's shober enuff to walk home!"
"You must think I was born yesterday,sticking two fingers up his jacksie is hardly going to make him sick is it" Replies the officer.
"AHHH" says the fingering drunk " but when I takes em out and shoves em down is froat it will!"
Jaco
Established Member
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