Robbo3
Established Member
Fakes
Joke Thread 5
- Thread starter Noel
- Start date
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Doug B
Shy Tot
bushwhaker
Established Member
Prohibition in USA began in 1920.
Great Depression began in 1929.
I'm just saying.
Great Depression began in 1929.
I'm just saying.
I told my boss I needed a raise because 3 other companies were after me… He asked which ones.
I said "Gas, water & electric"
I said "Gas, water & electric"
Bob Chapman
Established Member
Notwithstanding the explanation about braces, John is right to question the necessity of the brackets. The same answer is obtained without them.
stuart little
Established Member
A genie granted me one wish so I said I just want to be happy. Now I live in a cottage with 6 dwarfs and I am working in a mine
Robbo3
Established Member
More fakes
Yorkieguy
Established Member
Jaco
Established Member
At Friday night services, Morris went to his friend Irving and said, "Irving, I need a favour - I'm sleeping with the rabbi's wife. Can you hold him in the temple for an hour after services for me?"
Irving was not very fond of the idea, but being Morris' lifelong friend, he reluctantly agreed.
After services, he struck up a conversation with the rabbi asking him all sorts of stupid questions in an effort to keep him occupied. After some time, the wise rabbi became suspicious and asked, "Irving, what are you really up to with all this?" Irving, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse, confessed to the rabbi
"I'm sorry Rabbi, my friend Morris is sleeping with your wife right now and asked me to keep you occupied." The rabbi smiled and, putting a brotherly hand on Irving 's shoulder, said "Irving I think you'd better hurry home, my wife died two years ago.
Irving was not very fond of the idea, but being Morris' lifelong friend, he reluctantly agreed.
After services, he struck up a conversation with the rabbi asking him all sorts of stupid questions in an effort to keep him occupied. After some time, the wise rabbi became suspicious and asked, "Irving, what are you really up to with all this?" Irving, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse, confessed to the rabbi
"I'm sorry Rabbi, my friend Morris is sleeping with your wife right now and asked me to keep you occupied." The rabbi smiled and, putting a brotherly hand on Irving 's shoulder, said "Irving I think you'd better hurry home, my wife died two years ago.
Jaco
Established Member
A politician was visiting a remote little rural town in Australia and asked the locals what the government could do for them.
"We have two big needs,” said the townspeople.
“First, we have a hospital but no doctor.”
The politician whipped out his iPhone, spoke for a while and then said, “I have sorted that out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?”
The townspeople replied, “We have no mobile phone reception in our town.”
"We have two big needs,” said the townspeople.
“First, we have a hospital but no doctor.”
The politician whipped out his iPhone, spoke for a while and then said, “I have sorted that out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?”
The townspeople replied, “We have no mobile phone reception in our town.”
Jaco
Established Member
One of the Russian Ambassadors went to President Putin and told him he'd like to resign.
"Why?" Putin asked him.
"Well, Mr. President, I can't take these time differences! I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep, I last woke you up at 4 in the morning, but I thought it was only evening. I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year and he says it will be tomorrow."
"Those are just minor inconveniences." Replies Putin. "Do you remember when that Polish plane crashed, killing their president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't taken off yet!"
"Why?" Putin asked him.
"Well, Mr. President, I can't take these time differences! I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep, I last woke you up at 4 in the morning, but I thought it was only evening. I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year and he says it will be tomorrow."
"Those are just minor inconveniences." Replies Putin. "Do you remember when that Polish plane crashed, killing their president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't taken off yet!"
Robbo3
Established Member
& yet more fakes.
Phil Pascoe
Established Member
I once had a pair of Thai made Lee Cooper jeans with "unigus feators".
Scottish Humour. Love it.
Doug B
Shy Tot
Best of Tommy Cooper
1. Two blondes walk into a building --- you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message: 'If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key.'
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day --- but I couldn't find any.
5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli --- a strong currant pulled him in.
6. A man recovered in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know, I've cut off your hands'.
7. I went to a Seafood Disco last week, and pulled a muscle.
8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly so they lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
10 Man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on that.'
11. 'Doc, I can't stop singing: 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
Doc says, 'That sounds like the Tom Jones Syndrome. '
'Is it common, doc?'
'Well, it's not unusual.'
12. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' and he picks up the dog and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? --- because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'
13. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Oh, don't you start.'
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? --- a fsh.
15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world is Chinese. There are 5 people in my family so one of them must be Chinese. It's either my mum or my Dad --- or my older brother Colin --- or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu --- but I think it's Colin.
17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The second one replies, 'So are you, you fat *******!'
18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
19. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'
20 . A man walked into the doctor's, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more.
1. Two blondes walk into a building --- you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message: 'If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key.'
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day --- but I couldn't find any.
5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli --- a strong currant pulled him in.
6. A man recovered in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know, I've cut off your hands'.
7. I went to a Seafood Disco last week, and pulled a muscle.
8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly so they lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
10 Man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on that.'
11. 'Doc, I can't stop singing: 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
Doc says, 'That sounds like the Tom Jones Syndrome. '
'Is it common, doc?'
'Well, it's not unusual.'
12. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' and he picks up the dog and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? --- because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'
13. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Oh, don't you start.'
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? --- a fsh.
15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world is Chinese. There are 5 people in my family so one of them must be Chinese. It's either my mum or my Dad --- or my older brother Colin --- or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu --- but I think it's Colin.
17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The second one replies, 'So are you, you fat *******!'
18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
19. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'
20 . A man walked into the doctor's, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more.
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