Joke Thread 5

[Yorkieguy]

 

[nickds1]

A short story, from the pen of Mr Barry Cryer, about a woman who buys a parrot from a dockside pub and when she gets it home, it won't stop swearing at her. So her husband went to see the landlord to see if he had any ideas...

"Every time it swears at you put it in the fridge for ten minutes" he says, "it doesn't like the cold"

So the next time the parrot swore at them the husband picked it up and put it in the fridge and shut the door...

...quarter of an hour passed and the husband opens the fridge door and there's the parrot hugging itself and shivering uncontrollably, it's beak has gone blue...

"Now are you going to behave yourself now?" says the husband, the parrot just looks up at him meekly and nods it's head...

"No more swearing OK ?" the parrot nods it's agreement, the husband holds his hand out and the parrot hops on his finger.

...he sits staring at the husband then beckons him to come closer, the husband places his ear next to the parrots beak and the parrot whispers in his ear...

"What the **** did that chicken do ?"

 

[Vulcan]

 

[kinverkid]

 

[kinverkid]

View attachment 192157

Might be something in this. The word ejaculation is used eleven times in Wuthering Heights. Got to be a Yorkshire thing.

 

[Jaco]

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a uneventful flight.


So, sit back, relax, and... OH...MY GOD!"


Silence followed.......................


Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.


"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"


From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled “For the luvva Jaysus you should see the back of mine!"

 

[Fergie 307]

Might be something in this. The word ejaculation is used eleven times in Wuthering Heights. Got to be a Yorkshire thing.

My better half has always accused me of collecting useless information, not entirely without justification,but this takes the biscuit.
How on earth did you know that ??

 

[kinverkid]

My better half has always accused me of collecting useless information, not entirely without justification,but this takes the biscuit.
How on earth did you know that ??

My wife started reading Wuthering Heights a few days ago for the first time and mentioned that the word was used in the first chapter. I've read the book a couple of times and warned her it won't be the last time she comes across it (no double entendre intended). I then looked it up on the internet and someone sadder than me has counted how many times it was used.

 

[John Brown]

My wife started reading Wuthering Heights a few days ago for the first time and mentioned that the word was used in the first chapter. I've read the book a couple of times and warned her it won't be the last time she comes across it (no double entendre intended). I then looked it up on the internet and someone sadder than me has counted how many times it was used.

If you have it on Kindle, it's simple to count the number of times any particular word is used.

 

[The_Yellow_Ardvark]

 

[MorrisWoodman12]

@The_Yellow_Ardvark Love the joke about the cat but .......... surely the British people have extremely mixed ancestry if you go back far enough: Saxons, Angles just to mention a few.



Yes I know it's a JOKE THREAD so I'll get my hat.

 

[Doug B]

 

[Cobbs]

View attachment 192220

If only it were a joke...

 

[Doug B]

 

[Yorkieguy]

 

[Yorkieguy]

 

[Yorkieguy]

 

[Yorkieguy]

 

[Yorkieguy]

My wife wants me to wear a bracelet that belonged to her grandfather. It says "Do Not Resuscitate."

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It's been months since I bought the book, How To Scam People On Line. It still hasn't arrived yet.
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If you have a red wine stain on your carpet, get some white wine and drink it until you don't care anymore.
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One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others.
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Even rarer than a doctor who can't stand the sight of blood is a lawyer who can't stand the sight of money.
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If your palm itches, you are going to get something. If your crotch itches, you've already got it.
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My wife and I decided to never go to bed angry. We've been awake since Tuesday. .
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My wife said: "That's the 4th time you've gone back for dessert!
Doesn't it embarrass you?" I said: "No, I keep telling them it's for you."
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My wife and I started role-playing in the bedroom. Her favourite is The Sexy Librarian, where I have to sit quietly while she reads a book.
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Being old is when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go too.
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I now know how it will all end for me, one of my kids will unplug my life support to charge their phone.
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At a wedding reception, someone yelled: "All married people, please stand next to the one person that has made your life worth living." The bartender was almost crushed to death.
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I met my wife at a single's night. I was surprised because I thought she was home with the kids.
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I want someone I can share my entire life with who will leave me alone most of the time.
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Yesterday I bought a world map, gave my wife a dart, and said, "Throw this and wherever it lands, I will take you on vacation." We're spending 3 weeks behind the fridge.

 

[Yorkieguy]